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Does Everyone Have An Autopsy?

Sat, 02 Dec 2023 21:18:04 GMT

When a loved one dies unexpectedly, many things race through the minds of the people who loved them. In addition to thinking about funeral plans, there may be concerns about whether or not the death was accidental. Or questions may arise around whether other people are at risk of dying in the same way. When these kinds of concerns come up, your loved one may have to undergo an autopsy. Not everyone will have to have an autopsy when they die, but it may be legally required for your loved one. So, when do autopsies have to happen?

When is an autopsy required?

Although not everyone will have an autopsy, one may be required based on the state you’re located in. Because an autopsy is used to help determine how someone died, nearly every state requires an autopsy if the decedent died in a suspicious or unnatural way. An autopsy can also be used to help study a public health concern, so many states require one when someone is suspected of having died from something that may affect others, like an outbreak of a dangerous disease or tainted food.

An autopsy may also be required when no doctor can officially state what the cause of death was. If no doctor was present at the time of death or knew the decedent’s health well enough prior to their death, a doctor may request an autopsy. In some cases, a condition may only be able to be diagnosed after someone has passed, which is another reason why a doctor may say that an autopsy is necessary.

Can you say no to an autopsy?

Whether or not an autopsy is optional depends on your state’s laws. Your state may require that you have to have an autopsy if a crime is suspected or if other people are in danger of dying the same way, such as by a fast-spreading disease. However, if a doctor requests an autopsy without there being any circumstance required by law to have one, you can deny the doctor’s appeal.

Certain religions, including Islam and Judaism, consider autopsies to be against their faith as they believe that a body is sacred and cannot be desecrated. However, these beliefs can sometimes put religious practitioners at odds with laws regarding requiring autopsies. In some places, those who do not want autopsies due to religious beliefs can request that their loved one has a non-invasive autopsy, like CT scans or blood cultures, to determine the cause of death instead. However, it’s not always possible to use those methods to find the cause of death and a more thorough autopsy may still be required.

How can you request an autopsy?

If you are your loved one’s next-of-kin, you can ask a coroner for an autopsy if you believe that your loved one died unnaturally. However, a coroner may say that there is no evidence of a suspicious death and deny your request. Unless otherwise required by state law, a coroner does not have to perform an autopsy.

If you still believe that the cause of death is worth investigating, you have other options aside from the coroner. If your loved one died in a hospital, you could ask the hospital if they perform autopsies. Unfortunately, most hospitals today no longer perform those procedures. You could find someone to perform a private autopsy, but it’s important to note that insurance does not cover them, and they can cost thousands of dollars. Additionally, there’s little regulation when it comes to private autopsies . Unfortunately, there are some companies out there who take advantage of that little regulation and grieving families who are searching for answers. Be sure that you are only working with a licensed forensic pathologist.

Does an autopsy affect a funeral?

There’s a commonly held myth that autopsies delay funerals and prevent open-casket funerals. To determine the cause of death, autopsies should happen very soon after someone passes. Additionally, they typically only take one to two hours to perform. A standard autopsy will generally not delay a funeral. When your loved one is returned to you to prepare their funeral, you’ll also find that they can still have an open-casket funeral. A professional funeral director or mortician can easily hide the incisions made during the procedure.

When a loved one dies, an autopsy may have to happen, although certain laws may allow you to decline one depending on your religious beliefs. But if you’re worried that an autopsy will affect your funeral plans, talk to your funeral home about your concerns. With their trained staff, you'll find that your loved one’s funeral will still be timely and can be open casket if that’s what you and your loved one wanted.

www.smithfamilycares.com

A Friend Lost a Loved One – When Can I Call?

Sat, 25 Nov 2023 15:26:24 GMT

When a friend loses a loved one, you want to show them that you care. You want to offer support and make them feel less alone. But what’s the best way to do that? It starts with making a call.

When should I call a friend who lost a loved one?

Ideally, you should call your friend as soon as you hear the news. Although you may worry about being a bother, grief can be a very isolating time. And it may help them just to listen to the voice of a beloved friend on the other end of the phone. Calling your friend shows that you want to support them and that they don’t have to be alone in their grief.

Your friend might not answer, especially if the death was very recent or they’re very busy with funeral planning. If that happens, be sure to leave a message. If your friend just sees that you called, they might feel obligated to call back. Leaving a message gives you the opportunity to say, “Hey, I’m here for you however and whenever you need me. There’s no pressure to call back, but just know I’m here.” Your friend will appreciate the gesture and being given the freedom to grieve in the way that feels best for them.

What should I say?

What should you talk about if your friend does answer or calls you back later? What’s okay to say? In addition to worrying about being a bother, we sometimes don’t reach out because we’re scared of what to say. Discussing death can be tricky and unpleasant. But death is a natural part of life. As uncomfortable as it may be to talk about, sometimes those conversations have to happen, especially when our friends are grieving and need our support.

There’s no right thing to say to a grieving friend because there’s nothing that fixes what happened. You can’t talk away their grief, though your love for them may make you want to. But the best thing to do isn’t to speak. It’s to listen.

When you call your friend, keep the focus on them. How are they doing? What do they want to talk about? Sometimes people who are grieving want to talk about their loved one. Again, talking about someone who just passed may feel uncomfortable, but if that’s what your friend needs, you should talk about them. Others feel better taking their mind off the situation and might just want to spend a few moments talking about their favorite baseball team. Listen to their needs and respond in kind.

It’s not only okay to ask questions, but it’s also a good idea. Often in times of grief, we neglect our self-care or fall behind on other important tasks, making that time feel even more overwhelming. Asking questions helps you find out what your friend needs. Are they not eating? Are they sleeping? How are their kids doing? From there, you can ask for ways to help by taking care of the things that they’re struggling to do right now. Perhaps you could offer childcare after school or coordinate driving their kids to and from school and extracurriculars. Or you could cook some easy meals for your friend to warm up for dinner for their family.

What should I not say?

Although there is no particular right thing to say, there are some things that you should be mindful of. Sometimes, when a loved one dies, we want to tell our friends that things will get better. But although the sentiment is kind, it’s not a great way of helping them through grief. It can minimize their pain and make them think missing their loved one is something to “get over.” Yes, that pain may heal over time, but we’ll always miss the people we love. And that’s okay. So focus on just letting them miss their loved one.

If you lost someone very important to you, you might feel like you can commiserate with your friend. But try not to do that unless it’s openly asked for. If your friend asks how you felt when you lost someone close to you, like a parent or a spouse, then you should talk about your experience, but don’t bring this up without being prompted. Keep in mind that all relationships are different. If you lost a parent, you probably shouldn’t speak as if you understand your friend’s loved one’s death if that loved one wasn’t a parent at all. Although you may feel like you comprehend your friend’s loss, we all react differently to death, and every death has a unique impact on us.

Avoid empty platitudes. Resorting to platitudes prevents you from actually listening and responding to what your friend really needs. We often say platitudes when we’re just not sure what else to say, but if you’re listening to what your friend needs, you’ll know how to respond.

You know your friend, so you most likely have a better idea of what to say than you think. If your friend is religious, they may be comforted by hearing a comment with a religious undertone, such as, “They’re in a better place.” People who are religious can often find comfort in their faith during times of grief, and sharing that faith with others can provide further relief. But only steer the conversation in such a direction if you know that your friend is religious. Otherwise, these kinds of comments may not be appropriate.

It’s important not to rely on one phone call. Your friend needs your support, which takes more action and more time. Make sure you make check-in calls a regular part of your routine, particularly so that you can learn when new needs arise, such as if your friend suddenly needs some added help with running errands (or even just an errand-running buddy so they don’t have to be alone). The more you reach out to your friend, the more likely they’ll feel comfortable reaching back out to you.

When you call a friend after their loved one dies, the best thing that you can do is listen. Your goal isn’t to “fix” their grief. Their pain will not go away because you said the right combination of words. But what you can do is offer them support, both emotionally and physically, making them feel less alone during a very lonely time.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What Will Happen to My Funeral Plan if There is No Body to Bury or Cremate?

Sat, 18 Nov 2023 19:52:31 GMT

While possible, it is truly rare for a death to occur and for there to be no body to care for. Still, this is a frequently asked question. Final disposition of the body, usually burial or cremation, is a part of what we humans do when a life ends. But it is not all we do. It is also not all we can do.

When there is no body - be it consumed by fire, lost at sea, or in some remote inaccessible location - it is devastating for the surviving family. This makes the rest of the closing of life ceremony that much more important.

Even if there is no body, there was a life. There will be a service, a eulogy, people will share memories. They will cry and hug and offer condolences. For the faithful, there will be a church-based farewell. Even without a body, most families will want a memorial service. People will gather. The only aspects missing will be those directly related to care and disposition of the body.

Often this “what if” question is asked of the funeral director when people are making their funeral arrangements in advance. For some, planning their own funeral is an emotional undertaking. Some people are ill at ease and looking for a reason to avoid the task at hand. The idea of the question is to derail the mission. Most often this occurs when a husband and wife are making their plans together and one or the other would prefer to end the meeting. The idea they seek to promote is that advanced planning is a waste of time, and if they pay in advance and die in a manner that leaves no body to care for, the plan will be a waste of money.

So, the first thing to understand is how planning and paying in advance works. If you pay for something like a casket and then circumstances prohibit using a casket at the time of death, the money set aside for that item would be returned to the surviving family members. In short, anytime an advanced funeral plan is funded, the final reckoning occurs at the time of death. In the end, only those services provided are paid for, and any excess funds are returned to the family.

If you have this question or any other question, don’t hold back. Ask the advance funeral planning professional. Getting your questions answered and having your mind put at ease is exactly what the funeral director hopes to accomplish at your planning meeting.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Veterans: Is My Funeral Paid For?

Sat, 11 Nov 2023 14:29:11 GMT

When it comes to a veteran’s funeral, it’s important for their families to understand what the military will pay for. There’s no way to repay the debt that a veteran has paid to our country, but there are some elements that the military covers for a veteran’s funeral and final disposition. So, what help can you as a veteran expect to receive for your funeral? As long as you meet specific criteria, your family can expect some help when the day of your funeral arrives.

Do veterans have to pay for their funerals?

In general, the Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) may help you with your burial, and there are a few benefits for veterans to help with the funeral costs. The benefits that you can get are only eligible if you received at least an “ other-than-dishonorable ” discharge. Veterans will need to acquire their DD214 and other military service records to show their status and receive burial benefits . Veterans can be buried for free in national VA cemeteries. To be buried there, you must submit a pre-need determination of eligibility application . But there isn’t a guarantee that you’ll be accepted, as space is limited, and the VA receives a large number of applications. Many states have their own veteran cemeteries, but the requirements are often the same as a federal VA cemetery.

Your family may still be entitled to benefits if you decide to be buried in a civilian cemetery. They could apply to receive a burial allowance if you met certain criteria. You must meet one of the following conditions:

● Died because of a service-related disability

● Was receiving a VA pension or other compensation

● Was entitled to a VA pension or compensation but decided to receive full military retirement or disability pay

● Died in a VA facility or a non-VA facility under a VA contract

● Died while traveling at VA expense to or from a specified place for care

● Had an original or reopened claim for VA compensation or pension pending at the time of death and would have been entitled to benefits prior to the date of death

The amount you’ll receive changes yearly, but it typically doesn’t cover the total cost of a burial. The VA will pay more if the death is service-oriented. However, there are three cases in which a family will not be entitled to a burial allowance : if the decedent was on active duty, serving as a member of Congress, or serving a federal prison sentence. In addition to the burial allowance, the Social Security Administration will also pay a small death benefit to your family.

One thing that is always free for veterans is having military funeral honors. By law, every eligible veteran can receive a military funeral honors ceremony . This ceremony consists of uniformed military persons, with at least one being from the veteran’s parent service of the armed forces. It includes the folding and presenting of the United States burial flag and the playing of “Taps.” However, your family must request the flag and the ceremony in advance. To receive a burial flag, you must fill out an “ Application for United States Flag for Burial Purposes .”

The ceremony, which the Department of Defense organizes through a program called “Honoring Those Who Served,” can be arranged with the help of a funeral director if you’re being buried in a civilian cemetery. If you’re being buried in a VA cemetery, the Department of Veterans Affairs Cemetery Administration cemetery staff will be able to help, but a funeral home can also assist in this case.

Neither the VA nor individual branches of the military will pay for the cost of a casket unless the soldier dies while on active duty. However, the VA will provide an upright headstone or flat marker for any eligible veteran. These can be given regardless of whether the veteran is buried in a civilian or a VA cemetery.

Veterans who were honorably discharged can also opt for a burial at sea, which is free of charge. However, your family will not be allowed to attend this service. The Navy will choose the date and time of the ceremony. Both cremated and non-cremated remains are allowed to be buried at sea. If non-cremated remains are buried at sea, a casket must be prepared by the Navy’s guidelines, and a funeral director must transport you to the burial at your family’s expense.

As you plan your funeral and final disposition, talk to your funeral home about their offerings for veterans. Your funeral director can also help you or your loved ones fill out any necessary paperwork to request a burial allowance, burial flag, or military funeral honors ceremony.

Although veterans’ funerals are not fully paid for, there are some aspects of the burial and funeral that the VA will contribute to. If you’re unsure of what’s being covered, talk to your funeral director, and they’ll walk you through your options and how to request assistance.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How to Have the Talk (About Death) with a Loved One

Sat, 04 Nov 2023 12:42:08 GMT

Talking about death is considered uncomfortable and sometimes even taboo, but death is just a part of life. And when we talk about death, especially the death of a loved one, we’re also talking about celebrating a life. What was that person like? What stories about them will always play through your mind when you think of them? How will they be remembered?

When we sit down and talk with someone we love about our lives and what we want in our deaths, we’re helping them to tell our story later. Even the people who are around us often don’t know every facet of who we are. We need to talk about life and death to ensure that our memories live on long after we’re gone, so that generations of loved ones will always feel our presence. When you start a conversation with your loved one about their life, you’re taking steps to connect with them and truly understand who they are.

Who Should I Talk to About Life and Death?

Having a conversation about understanding someone’s life and wishes in death is essential for anyone whose funeral you may have to plan, like a spouse, parent, or sibling. But there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have this conversation with anyone you hold dear. From friends to extended family, this discussion opens up the doorway to a greater understanding of who they are. And it’s never a bad thing to create closer bonds with the people you love.

When and Where Should I Have the Talk?

It’s important that the person that you’re speaking with feels comfortable, so be sure that you’re at a place where they are relaxed and happy to talk. If they’re focused on something else at the time, you’re not likely to have the kind of conversation that you need to better understand who they are. Look for a time when you can speak uninterrupted, like when you share a meal just the two of you. It can also help to have another activity happening at the time, like a game. That way, there’s something else that can keep the discussion flowing. Since some questions may feel uncomfortable to answer, having something as a mild distraction can break the tension.

How Should I Start the Talk?

One way to facilitate the talk is by relying on something to help trigger memories, like a photo album. Ask your loved one to sit with you as you flip through, and you ask questions prompted by the pictures and the stories that they tell. You can also share some of your own memories together to encourage them to share as well. Or you can dive right into your questions.

What Should I Ask?

The questions that you ask shouldn’t be outright questions about a funeral. Your goal with this conversation is to fill in puzzle pieces so that you can have a full and complete picture of the one you love to remember them by and make sure that others remember them how they want to be remembered. This conversation should be filled with bigger picture questions that trigger memories that paint that picture.

A few questions that can get you started include:

● Who is your greatest inspiration?

● What were holidays like when you were a child?

● What advice did your favorite teacher give you?

● If you could spend your day doing anything, what would you do?

● Who took care of you most when you were a child?

● What is your proudest moment?

● What was your first job like?

● Where would you consider to be your happy place?

● What’s something that has always made you smile?

● What’s something that you’ve had since you were a child that you still have today?

Be patient with your questions, and don’t push them if they don’t want to answer certain queries. Especially if your loved one has lost many of their own loved ones, some questions may lead to upsetting thoughts. If one question is too difficult to answer, move on to another one that’s a bit lighter.

You may want to take notes while you talk, but in order to be fully engaged in the conversation, it might be easier to simply create an audio recording instead. Having that recording to refer to can help you during the funeral planning process as you try to plan an event that celebrates your loved one in the way that they want to be remembered. But you may also find that hearing their voice on the recording gives you comfort when the day comes that they do pass.

When planning a funeral, it’s about more than getting the details right about the big choices, like deciding between burial and cremation. It’s about celebrating someone’s life. And to celebrate that life, you need to understand how that life was lived. When you take the time to talk to your loved one about who they are, you’re coming to understand a story that you’re a part of, but so are so many others. There are so many stories for you to learn. It all starts with having one talk.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Making Decisions When Families Don’t Get Along

Sat, 28 Oct 2023 14:14:36 GMT

When you plan a funeral, it’s easy for the details to get overwhelming. But the planning process becomes much more difficult when families don’t get along. If your family is prone to fights or rifts are abound between relatives, here are a few tips to make the funeral planning process go more smoothly.

Funeral Planning Tips for When Families Don’t Get Along

1. Consider pre-planning to spare your family the squabble.

If you know that your family is prone to disagreements, one of the best gifts that you can give them is to pre-plan your funeral. When you work with a funeral home to plan your own funeral, you’re giving your family the blueprints for what you want. You’ll have all the big questions answered, such as whether you wish to be cremated or buried, if the ceremony should be religious or secular, and where the funeral will be held. All of these questions can be triggers for a family fight, but if they have your wishes written out for them, there will be less to fight over. By pre-planning, you’re helping your funeral go more smoothly, without bad feelings between loved ones making a difficult day much harder.

To make planning even easier for your family, you can also choose to pay in advance. Otherwise, your family may end up squabbling over how to pay for services. Talk to your funeral director about payment options. They will help you to identify a payment plan that works best for your family.

2. Be prepared to compromise.

If your loved one did not pre-plan their funeral and you’re planning it with family members who don’t get along, now is the time to extend an olive branch. When families are prone to fighting, the death of a loved one can make communicating even more difficult. Everyone is grieving, and everyone grieves differently. Recognize that you can only control your own reactions. So if a fight feels like it’s coming on, give yourself space from what’s instigating it and allow yourself time to calm down before reacting. Although you may have a picture of what you want your loved one’s funeral to be like, your family members do too. Compromises will likely have to be made. And the more you’re prepared to make those compromises, the more likely funeral planning will go smoothly.

3. Keep everyone on topic.

When a family that doesn’t get along gets together, things can devolve quickly. Old fights get rehashed, and old wounds get broken open again. To avoid the potential for things to get off-topic, structure your family meetings. When you schedule the family conference, communicate to them what will be discussed. Make sure that agenda is adhered to in the meeting. If things start moving in a different direction, steer the conversation back to the itinerary.

4. Keep everyone involved who wants to be involved.

You may feel like one particular person stirs up trouble, and you may be inclined to simply try to keep them out of the planning process to make things easier. But that person lost a loved one too, and it’s not fair that they are cut out from making plans to celebrate the one they loved. When you make plans to meet as a family to make decisions about the funeral, pick a time and place where everyone can attend.

5. Delegate and let others make decisions about their delegated topic.

If you’re taking the reins with funeral planning, be sure to recognize when others want to be a part of the process. If someone feels passionately about putting together a funeral slideshow, let them do it. You can offer to help, but let your family members take some ownership of the things that matter to them. Doing so will encourage compromise in others. If the person who wants a funeral slideshow busies themselves with making one, they may be less inclined to fight about other aspects of the funeral that matter less to them.

6. Ask a funeral director or family mediator to help.

Having a funeral director on hand to explain your options to your whole family can help get everyone on the same page. A funeral director can answer questions as they arise, preventing a family squabble if some people are confused about what certain options mean. When you’re holding a family meeting, ask your funeral director to attend to help keep the conversation on topic and address questions that can snowball into fights. However, if your family divide is so deep that you fear things getting out of hand quickly, consider consulting a family mediator as well.

When someone does not prepay or preplan, the responsibility falls to the next of kin. If you’re the next of kin, it’s important to let the other people involved in the funeral planning process know who will be making the final decisions. When families don’t get along, it’s unfortunately sometimes the case that some family members will be upset that their wishes aren’t followed. But a funeral home is legally obligated to follow the directions of the next of kin. Only one person can hold the decision-making power of the next of kin, and when other family members’ opinions conflict with theirs, the next of kin’s decisions must always take precedence. The funeral home is unable to transfer this power to anyone else and cannot diverge from the wishes of the next of kin. Although preplanning and prepaying is one way to prevent these disagreements from happening, if your loved one did not preplan, you should be sure that you are clear about who the next of kin is and what that means before you begin the planning process.

When your loved one doesn’t pre-plan, a family fight can be on the horizon, especially if family members have already experienced a falling-out. Keeping everyone in the loop, involved, and up-to-date on their options can help make the experience a little less painful. Just remember that everyone is grieving in their own way, so be patient with each other. And be sure to take breaks to keep yourself calm if things start getting more difficult.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Communication Tips When a Loved One Passes

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 02:35:48 GMT

Telling someone that a loved one died is never easy. It’s a moment that they will remember for a long time, so it’s essential to be gentle, plain, and careful. If you’re left with the task of breaking this difficult news to family and friends, here are a few things to keep in mind.

5 Communication Tips to Use After a Loved One Has Died

1. Don’t text or email immediate family or close friends.

Although it can be incredibly hard to tell family over and over again that someone you all loved has passed on, resist the urge to tell them through text or email. When someone dies, the first people who should be alerted should be immediate family and close friends. And each of these people deserves to hear the news through a more personal medium like a phone call.

Getting a text with news that a loved one has died can mean that they’re not prepared for the news. They may look at their phone during a time when they’re occupied with other things, suddenly throwing them into turmoil while they can’t do anything about it. Sending a text or email can be acceptable for follow-up information, such as where the funeral will be held, but the first time they hear the news should be from your voice. Make a list of the people who should get a phone call and check them off as you go so no one is accidentally missed. You may think you know who to call, but someone may slip your mind while you’re in mourning yourself.

2. Before giving the news, alert who you’re calling that they’re going to hear something upsetting.

When you call someone out of the blue with the information that a loved one has passed on, the person you’re calling may be simply going about their day. They’re likely not prepared to hear something so upsetting. Before you tell them the news, ask them where they are and tell them to try to find a private space. That way, they can react openly without feeling uncomfortable about grieving publicly or feeling like they have to hide how they feel to keep up appearances. If they ask why they have to find a private place, warn them that you have some difficult news. But they may be able to tell just by your voice that they will hear something upsetting.

3. Tell them in plain, simple language what happened.

Talking about death can feel uncomfortable. And, by our nature, we don’t want to upset people. So you may feel inclined to talk around the subject rather than facing what happened head-on. Resist the urge to start talking about something else entirely. If you start talking about more pleasant topics, the person you’re calling may begin to think that there’s no sad news after all, making them feel all the more blindsided when you do deliver the information.

After they’re in a safe, private space, tell them plainly that their loved one died. To soften the announcement, you may feel inclined to use more gentle language, such as “They didn’t make it” or “They passed on.” But that can cause some confusion. The person on the other end will likely ask for clarification as they try to process the news, so it’s best to be upfront and direct.

Don’t overwhelm them with further explanations. While we try to come to terms with the information, we’re not able to take in much else. When some people hear the news that a loved one died, they may not be able to hear anything else at all. So wait for their response after you tell them the bad news. If they ask what happened, explain in as simple of terms as you can.

4. For extended family and acquaintances, social media is okay to use.

Your loved one likely had a lot of people in their life beyond their immediate family and friends, like colleagues and distant relatives. But for people they weren’t very close with who may still want to attend the funeral, social media can be the best way to let them know what happened. Consider sharing the obituary you’ll post on the funeral home website. You may want to write more, but an obituary is enough if you’re struggling to find the right words to say. What matters most is that people have the time and location of the funeral service. You can also ask other close family and friends to share the obituary, especially if you’re concerned that you may not be in contact with everyone you need to reach on social media.

5. Remember to take time for yourself too.

If you’re the one who is taking on contacting family and friends about your loved one’s death, remember that you lost someone too. You may worry about how you’re alerting people, but you need to give yourself room to grieve too. If it gets too overwhelming to have to keep making calls, consider asking someone to help you or take a break to be with your own immediate loved ones.

When you’re tasked with telling people about a loved one’s passing, remember that you’re in grief yourself, and the person you’re speaking to is about to experience that grief as well. There’s no way to make hearing this news not painful, but you can help them navigate the new information by giving them the space to react and not overwhelming them with too much at once. But don’t forget to give yourself room to mourn on your own how and when you need. Your own care should remain a priority, even while you’re worried about caring for others.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Where Should I Buy Flowers for a Funeral

Sat, 14 Oct 2023 20:12:22 GMT

When you send flowers to a funeral, you’re helping grieving loved ones celebrate the life of the person they lost. Flowers are a beautiful way to show that you care. But making sure that they arrive at just the right time for a funeral can be tricky. So, where should you order flowers from?

Should I send flowers to a funeral?

Flowers have a long tradition with funerals . In fact, it was once common in some religions for funerals to have flower bearers, whose job was as essential as the pallbearer. These women would carry flowers into the church ahead of the casket and later bring those flowers back out into the cemetery. The tradition exists in some communities today even still.

When we send flowers to a funeral, we’re expressing our condolences in a way that can be hard to put into words. We’re offering sympathy, love, and support in a symbolic way. We also send flowers because we recognize that the day of a funeral can be a difficult, gloomy one. Flowers brighten up a funeral and add color to a day that’s considered dark.

Throughout different cultures and religions around the world, flowers have always been treated as symbolic of life and our journey through it. Lilies, one of the most common funeral flowers, represent rebirth, signaling the spirit of our loved one starting a new transition to a world beyond our own. Roses, another often used funeral flower, stand for an everlasting and eternal love that cannot end with death. When we send such flowers to funerals, we’re using these flowers’ hidden meanings to say kind, loving sentiments to those who remain and are in mourning without having to say anything at all.

Where should I buy funeral flowers?

When it comes to buying flowers for a funeral, timing is one of the biggest things to keep in mind. Although there are several services online where you can ship flowers across the country, it’s hard to make sure that those flowers arrive in time. And if they don’t, there’s not much that you can do.

The easiest way to buy flowers for a funeral is by going directly through a funeral home’s website. When ordering through a funeral home’s website, you have the service information and delivery address right there for you. And unlike ordering through an online flower shipping company, the funeral home can work with the florist if there are any problems with the order and delivery. If you were to order through another provider, the funeral home would not be able to see your order history or have any additional insight into what happened.

If you intend to order flowers online, it’s best to order through the funeral home’s website rather than another provider. Many funeral homes’ online ordering is set up so that the decedent’s information, including service times, is communicated directly to the florist. Having the online ordering set up this way prevents unfortunate errors that may result in the floral arrangements not showing up on time, being the wrong flowers, or going to the wrong location.

Funeral home staff are also familiar with the family’s wishes and know where the flowers belong. If the service is held at a gravesite or church, the team will be able to take care of transporting the flowers there from the funeral home. Additionally, not every family wants flowers for a visitation, so a funeral home can ensure that you have the correct information about when and where the flowers should arrive.

Working through the funeral home’s website ensures that you have the instructions that you need to send the flowers you want to send to the right place at the right time. When you work directly through the funeral home, you know you’ll have engaged staff ensuring that what you order is there for the family and friends who are grieving their loss. Working with someone who is familiar with what’s happening at the funeral means that you’ll have staff who want to make sure that the funeral is perfect for the family of the loved one who passed, right down to making certain that the flowers are where they need to be.

Transporting a Deceased Loved One

Sat, 07 Oct 2023 16:37:31 GMT

There are many reasons why your loved one would have to travel after their death. Perhaps they were away from home at the time of their death, and they need to be brought back to their hometown for their funeral. Or maybe they retired to another state, but they wanted their final resting place to be where they spent most of their life.

Perhaps one of the most famous instances of post-mortem travel was when President Abraham Lincoln was brought across the country to his final resting place in Springfield, Illinois, when citizens throughout the country came out on his journey to pay their respects. But much has changed in regards to transporting decedents since his day. So, what goes into transporting a deceased loved one?

Who makes arrangements for transporting decedents?

In general, a funeral director will need to make the arrangements. Your first step is to contact the funeral home your loved one chose or one you trust. From there, they will work with the funeral home who picked up your loved one to prepare them for transport. If you are sending them across state lines, be aware that there may be some regulations in terms of how they travel. Most often, your loved one will need to be embalmed or refrigerated before they are able to travel. Depending on your state’s laws, you may also need a burial transit permit , which allows the custody of your loved one to move from one funeral home to another.

How can your loved one be transported?

You have several options when it comes to transporting your loved one. If they only need to go a short distance, you may have the choice to have them travel by car. Check with your funeral home to ask if that’s a service that they offer. Most funeral homes charge by the loaded mile, and the price range can vary. Another option for land transportation would be to have your loved one travel by train. Instead of charging by the loaded mile, you’d instead be paying a rail shipment fee. In both cases, there is also a fee for preparing your loved one for transport.

However, if your loved one died far from their final resting place, you’re most likely going to have to use air transportation. In this case, you’ll need the help of someone recognized by the TSA as a “known shipper.” Luckily, most funeral homes have this status. The known shipper will prepare your loved one for their journey by placing them in a specialized container, which will then be stored in the cargo hold.

Whether you choose train travel or air travel, because of the distance between locations, you’ll actually be working with two funeral homes: one where your loved one is and one where you want them to be. The funeral director at the destination will handle transporting your loved one to their funeral home.

Can you drive your loved one on your own?

It is possible to drive your loved one yourself, but it’s essential that you follow the rules for transporting a decedent in your state and across state lines. Your loved one must be sealed in the right kind of shipping container, and you may have to embalm or refrigerate them before traveling, depending on what’s required by law. Because funeral directors do have more experience transporting decedents, you will likely want to consult with your loved one’s funeral home before attempting to make the trip yourself.

Can you transport ashes instead?

Carrying ashes to another destination is significantly easier than transporting a loved one. There are no regulations on traveling with ashes across state lines, but the TSA has some rules if you’re flying with your loved one’s cremated remains . Your bag will have to go through screening, whether it’s carry-on or checked luggage. To make screening easier, it’s better for those ashes to not be in a standard urn and instead be in a container made of lighter-weight material, like plastic. If you’re hoping to check your bag, be aware that, despite the fact that the TSA allows ashes in checked luggage, every airline has different regulations and some won’t allow ashes to travel this way. Always call the airline to check for its restrictions.

If you intend to ship the ashes by mail, the USPS is the only shipping company that allows this. However, there are rules in regards to how you package and ship them, so make sure that you’re following the USPS’s guidelines .

When you lose a loved one and they’re away from home, their journey to their final resting place can be a difficult one. But with the help of funeral professionals and an understanding of your state’s laws, their trip can cause you less stress and give you peace of mind while you plan their funeral.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Preparing for a Funeral: Gathering Pictures

Sat, 30 Sep 2023 18:29:18 GMT

A funeral should be a celebration of your loved one’s life, and to create this feeling, ensure that they surround their guests at their funeral. Gathering photos for their funeral is one way to make their presence felt. Those photos hold stories that show who your loved one was. And when you gather photos beyond your own supply, you end up with many different stories, including some you yourself didn’t even know. When you collect pictures for a funeral, you’re getting a chance to walk down memory lane and invite your family and friends on that journey with you. Here are a few tips for collecting photos and videos for your loved one’s funeral.

How to Gather and Display Pictures for a Funeral

1. Consider creating a Dropbox or Google Drive to keep everything in one place.

It’s easy to feel overwhelmed while planning the funeral. And although it might not sound like a lot of stress to collect photos, when you’re dealing with grief, even the small things can become anxiety-inducing. Rather than getting bombarded by emails with photos, send your family and friends one email containing a Dropbox or Google Drive link where they can upload their images and videos all to one place.

2. Dedicate a time and location for photo gathering.

Especially if your loved one was older and didn’t have many digital photos, you will want to go through their old photo albums for images to share at the funeral. Before you convene for the funeral, ask your family and friends to come over to your loved one’s house to go through those albums and maybe collect a few other mementos to bring to the funeral. Gathering photos with family members is a very emotional experience, and seeing your loved one’s happy memories can be painful so soon after their passing. But sharing this time with family and friends can also help you on your journey through the grieving process. All of that emotion you’re experiencing can aid your healing.

3. Decide how you want to use the photos.

Often, pictures decorate a funeral. Alongside flowers, they make a funeral space brighter and livelier. But there are other ways to use photos and even videos at funerals. You could decide to make a memorial slideshow, which can be shown during the ceremony, complete with music and voiceover, or play silently in the background of a memorial celebration. Using a digital slideshow gives you more options as to what type of media you want to use, including videos and voice recordings.

For memorial slideshows, it’s helpful to aim to tell a story and follow some sort of progression. You could opt to have the slideshow start from their earliest baby pictures all the way until their last image, with their life story filling out between. Or you could focus on something important to who they were in life, like displaying a slideshow that shows how much they loved to travel.

Before making a slideshow, check with your funeral home to be sure they have a projector or monitors to display the photos and videos on. Funeral homes often do, but you’ll need to provide one if not. You could also decide to have the slideshow play in a digital frame, but keep in mind that most of these types of frames don’t play audio.

And remember that the most important thing are the photos, videos, and other pieces of content in your slideshow. Even if you’re not the most tech-savvy, you can still put together a meaningful slideshow using relatively simple and free programs like Google Slides.

Talk to your funeral home about what options they have for displaying photos. In addition to asking if they have projectors or monitors for memorial slideshows, ask about their printing services. Many funeral homes will print photos for poster boards or foam core boards, which can be displayed on easels throughout the funeral.

4. Collaborate with your friends and family on photo displays.

A memorial slideshow is just one way to show significant pictures of your loved one. You could also opt to make a collage or even a memorial tree . Get creative with how you display the photos. Maybe a family member passed away who loved to bake and had hundreds of recipes their loved ones enjoyed over the years. Consider printing up a book of their recipes with their pictures throughout the pages. The book adds to the storytelling aspect of sharing photos at a funeral. Guests can peruse the recipes that they’ve come to know and love alongside their loved one’s smiling face. You can even consider making multiple copies to give away after the funeral to close family and friends.

Just like with photo collecting, creating displays for the funeral can get emotional. Call up some of your loved one’s family and friends and ask them for their help. Working together on a meaningful project can help everyone through their grieving process.

No matter how you gather pictures and display them, it’s essential that you don’t feel isolated. In fact, any form of funeral planning is better when you’re working together, as you explore old memories and be together while you grieve. Make collecting and displaying photos into a creative project that celebrates your loved one and all those who remain with you.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How Quickly Do We Need to Have the Service After the Death of a Loved One?

Sat, 23 Sep 2023 15:53:53 GMT

Losing a loved one can trigger a very stressful time in someone’s life, especially if they are tasked with planning and holding that loved one’s funeral. In addition to grieving, they have to decide on the big details about the decedent’s funeral and their final resting place. And having to make those decisions can raise a lot of questions. Should they be cremated or buried? Will they be embalmed or refrigerated? And when exactly do you have to hold the service after your loved one’s death?

When should you have the service after the death of a loved one?

In the U.S., funerals typically happen within three to seven days after a loved one’s death. One week generally gives family and friends time to gather to say goodbye to the decedent. However, these numbers are based on an embalmed or refrigerated decedent. Embalming or refrigeration slows the decomposition process, so an embalmed or refrigerated person can have a funeral up to a week after their death.

If you don’t want to embalm your loved one, when do you have to have the service?

It’s estimated that 50 percent of people in the United States are embalmed, but what about everyone else? There is no federal law that requires people to be embalmed, and any funeral home stating that there is one is breaking the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule . However, each state does have specific rules about when a person must be cremated or buried if they’re not embalmed. Depending on what state you’re in, you may have less time to bury or cremate than you think. It’s crucial to be familiar with your state’s laws before making any plans, as you may only have one day to hold the funeral before having to bury your loved one. It’s worth noting that if your loved one has to travel across state lines after death to reach their funeral and final resting place, they will likely have to be embalmed.

However, some people may choose to avoid embalming or their religion may require that they not embalm. Refrigeration is another option to delay a funeral and slow the decomposition process, though embalming is generally considered more effective. Most funeral homes have refrigerated storage for families who choose not to embalm. It’s best to talk to a funeral director about your options for taking care of your loved one while you plan their funeral as they may be able to provide more specifics on their refrigeration or embalming processes.

But generally, when you work with a funeral home, your loved one will be refrigerated for between eight and 24 hours before embalming. If you don’t want to embalm at all, most mortuaries offer short-term refrigeration, which can allow you to delay the funeral for up to two weeks. Always check with your state law to be sure that refrigeration is considered a suitable alternative to embalming and will allow you to delay the burial or cremation process.

If you choose to cremate your loved one before their funeral, you don’t need to worry much about timing. In that case, you have far more time to plan the service since it’s not dependent upon the condition of the loved one. Some people may even choose to have the funeral a month after the loved one’s death if they were cremated.

How long does it take to plan a funeral?

How quickly a funeral must happen after a loved one’s death is one of many reasons why pre-planning your funeral is a significant gift that you can give your family. When you pre-plan your funeral, you’re essentially giving your family a blueprint for the big questions that take so much time debating and answering otherwise. Should the service be religious or secular? What kind of music should be played when? Is there something your loved one would have preferred instead of flowers, like donations to a beloved charity? When your family already has those questions answered for them, there’s less stress and time involved in the planning process, making seven days seem like plenty of time to make a funeral happen.

If your loved one did not pre-plan their funeral, that doesn’t mean that you can’t plan one in seven days. In fact, with the help of an experienced funeral director, you can plan a funeral in just hours. Working with a funeral home’s staff can take some of the stress out of planning, and they’ll be able to guide you toward creating an event that celebrates who your loved one was.

Planning and hosting a funeral can be a very trying experience. While working through your grief, you wonder whether you’re making the right decisions for your loved one. If your loved one did not pre-plan their funeral, it could feel like there’s an enormous weight on your shoulders. Working with a funeral director can help alleviate some of that stress and ensure that, whether it happens in one day, seven, or 14, you’re holding a funeral that’s a true celebration of who your loved one was.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Grief … Feeling Lost

Sat, 16 Sep 2023 13:58:26 GMT

It is frequently not expected, but not at all unusual, for mourners to feel rudderless, adrift, unsure of their own purpose when someone close to them dies. Who am I now that I am not a wife? Sibling? Husband? Child? When an important relationship is disrupted by loss, roles get lost. Now that I am not the best friend who am I?

Perhaps you and your spouse were in the habit of watching Jeopardy every evening. And then there you are, sitting alone at the appointed hour, television on… and suddenly you realize you don’t enjoy Jeopardy. Now what? Do I still eat fish on Friday because Mary said it was good for me? Do I still make meatloaf every Tuesday because it was John’s favorite and his mother always made meatloaf on Tuesday? When someone you were in a close relationship with dies your world changes in hundreds of little ways. You feel lost, because you have lost. You have lost that person you loved who reflected you back to you. It’s like looking into the mirror and finding no image. Without the one you loved, who are you?

As with all of the feelings of grief there is no right or wrong. No should or should not. Feeling lost is what it is. It comes with the territory. It’s part of grief. It’s normal and you will be ok. How a person deals with this feeling is personal. Some will never make meatloaf again and certainly not on Tuesday. Others will derive great comfort from continuing the traditions that were a part of life with the one they loved. Just do what appeals to you. Embrace the opportunity to do something new or feel the warm hug of continuing the familiar.

If you are playing a supporting role to someone who is mourning, hold their hand and walk with them as they navigate their grief journey. Don’t judge. Remember, it’s their journey and their approach may be very different from what you think you would do or what you have done. Join them for the meatloaf and a talk about John and how he loved it or accompany your friend as he or she creates a new normal.

If you are mourning and are feeling stuck and lost, ask for help. Sometimes people who are struggling feel they must “give it some time,” try on their own. Think about that. Does it really make sense to go it alone? If you were stuck in the bottom of a well and a passerby offered help, would you say, “No thanks I really need to try to get out of this deep well on my own at least for a while”? Of course, you would not. Why not get help? What is the benefit? A grief counselor is a like a coach. They can’t do it for you, but they can help you find your way. Don’t be afraid to get a coach. Reach out to a professional grief counselor or perhaps your pastor. Find someone who knows grief and who can help you find your way.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Should We Take the Kids to Grand Pop’s Funeral

Sat, 09 Sep 2023 00:34:02 GMT

Yes, IF the child wants to attend the funeral. Depending on the interest and age of the child, he or she may even want to participate in honoring a beloved grandparent by participating in some part of the service.

No, IF the child does not want to attend or if there are no adults available or in a position to attend to the child during the service hours.

Children who will attend a service should be told what to expect. If the casket will be open, they should be told in simple factual terms what their grandparent will look and feel like. They should know what adults will do and should be given the choice to approach the casket or know what they may do if they choose not to approach the casket. Before going to the funeral home children should be given an opportunity to ask any questions they have about the service or what will take place.

Very young children may be in attendance, not because they wish to attend, but because the adults in the family are all in attendance and there is no one to mind the children. In this case parents should talk with their funeral director in advance about what facilities are available for children. Many funeral homes provide play space, a video area or a break room where the younger children may be taken and entertained during the service. Parents should work out child minder duties among themselves well ahead of the service. Children should not be left unattended in the funeral home.

It is also important to consider how long the children will be in attendance and to bring quiet entertainment or snacks if they will be needed. Children should be assigned a go-to person so they know who can help them find a restroom or answer a question should they need help.

The adult who will be responsible for answering a child’s questions should be prepared to answer in the simplest of terms and then ask if the information provided has answered the question. You want to give just the right amount of information, not too much or too little. It’s a bit like the old story of the older brother who when his new sibling is brought home from the hospital asks, “Where did the baby come from?” The child in the story was looking for a location answer (the hospital) not a reproductive lesson.

Death is a part of life, all living beings eventually die. Regardless of if a child attends a grandparent’s funeral or not, the child should be told of the death and have an opportunity to ask questions. When asked and provided with the information they need to decide, children will let you know if they wish to attend a funeral.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Grief - No Right or Wrong in Grief

Sat, 02 Sep 2023 14:43:40 GMT

This is the first in a series of blogs where we will examine some of the many “feelings” of grief and look at how one can actively navigate their way through their own personal grief journey.

Grief is defined as the response to loss. It is most often thought of in relation to death. When someone we know and cared about dies, we grieve. People also grieve other losses as well. Divorce and loss of a relationship can trigger a grief response. Other losses that link to grief include loss of function related to an illness or injury. Not being able to do something that you once did with ease is a trigger for grief. A person may grieve when a friend moves away, or a pet dies. There are many causes for grieving but always, there is a link to loss.

Grief is a natural response to the loss of someone or something dear. Grief is painful yet healthy. You cannot love and lose that love without experiencing grief. Grief is not a weakness. Only people who have had the joyful experience of loving strongly can also grieve deeply. Grief is to love as light is to dark and sunrise to sunset. One is a part of the other. To avoid experiencing grief in life, one must never care deeply for or love another.

The way we grieve is individual. Everyone experiences grief in their own unique way. There is no right way to feel. There is no wrong way to feel. Judging another’s grief, or even your own, is a fool’s errand. A person whose life was intricately entwined with the deceased is often considered justified in grieving. While another family member, who has been more distant, may be dismayed by their own intense grief reaction. The way one feels is just that, it is their feeling. It just is. Some who grieve are surprised at the range of emotions they feel. These feelings come and go and may change from day to day.

In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote the book “On Death and Dying”. She described five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages have been criticized because they were incorrectly interpreted as being universally experienced in order. Today, Kubler Ross acknowledges the stages are not necessarily experienced in order and they are not experienced by everyone. It is now known that, although not universal, these five stages of grief are the most commonly observed in the grieving population. Kubler Ross’s stages are:

Denial – A numb feeling of disbelief

Anger – Why me? Life isn’t fair

Bargaining – Could I have prevented this? If only I would have …

Depression – Feeling bogged down in a fog, it’s just too much

Acceptance - The feeling that even though the loss is painful, you will be ok. “I am sad my husband died but I will be alright.”

Doctor Allen Wolfelt is a current writer on the subject of grief and mourning. He is the Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and the author of The Journey Through Grief.

Dr. Wolfelt tells us: “To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.”

There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief—what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.” For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.

1. Acknowledge the reality of the death. ...

2. Embrace the pain of the loss. ...

3. Remember the person who died. ...

4. Develop a new self-identity. ...

5. Search for meaning. ...

6. Receive ongoing support from others…

When you look at the work and words of these two celebrated authors on the subject of death and grief, it is plain to see how a funeral service is connected to loss, grief, and healing. Before there were books and writers, human beings instinctively knew that when one of their own died, they needed to pause and do something. The funeral is only the beginning, it is not closure. However, the funeral does help with getting past denial and accepting the reality of death. It does support “embracing the pain of the loss and remembering the person who died.” The funeral is a healthy beginning to the work of grieving.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How Much Will it Cost to Pre-Arrange My Funeral?

Sat, 26 Aug 2023 16:55:30 GMT

The actual meeting with the pre-need specialist at your local funeral home will be free. No cost. If after meeting with the specialist, you decide to plan your funeral in detail, there will be no cost associated with putting your wishes on file at the funeral home. Once you have determined what you want (your wishes), the funeral professional will be able to tell you exactly how much your funeral would cost today.

After you have determined today’s cost of the funeral that meets your desires and will satisfy your family’s needs, you will have choices. There are many options for how to pay in advance for your funeral. What works best for you and your family is personal. You’ll want to consider several factors.

· Your income

· Your expenses

· Your assets and where are they invested

It might be helpful to think in terms of buying a new car. If you needed a car, how would you be most comfortable covering the cost? Would you withdraw from your retirement account or investments and pay in one payment, or would you prefer to cover the cost on a monthly basis? Of course, the cost of a funeral is typically far less than a new car, but you do have similar options. Most funeral homes offer programs that allow an individual to pay for a funeral over three years, five years, 10 years or even 20 years when they are paying in advance. Of course, you can always pay the total amount in a single payment.

The actual dollar amount you would pay monthly is calculated based on the total cost of your funeral in today’s dollars. A more expensive funeral will come with a higher payment per month than a lower-cost choice. As you would expect, the 10 year payment plan will come with a lower per-month payment than a three-year payment plan.

In addition to the current cost, your age may be a factor that impacts the monthly payment amount. Many plans will pay off the balance owed should you die before completing the payment plan. This means older folks who choose to pay over time are a greater risk. So, as would be expected, they will have higher monthly payments than younger people.

The prearrangement specialist at your local funeral home can explain all of the benefits of prepaying for your funeral in advance of need as well as all the options available to you. At the conclusion of your funeral planning session, you can: 1) pay today’s cost in one payment, 2) choose a payment plan that suits your budget or 3) leave your plan (wishes) on file at the funeral home for your family to follow at the time of your death.

Prearrangement will allow you to make an informed choice and when the time comes, your family will not be caught unprepared.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Grief … Feeling Angry

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 18:08:21 GMT

Your jaw is tight. It seems like those around you are caught up in trivial chores and chatter, everything they say and do is annoying. You want to be left alone, but when you are left alone you feel deserted, unimportant, and forgotten. There is no joy. You are angry. These angry feelings may be hard to accept for both the person with the angry feelings and those close to them who bear witness to the anger. Anger is a part of grief. Not everyone feels anger when they grieve but more people experience anger than we might expect. It’s not at all uncommon.

Being angry does not equate to bad behavior. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a feeling. Feeling angry at your situation, the person who died, or God is not unusual when someone has died, or experienced any profound loss. Still, knowing the feeling is not unusual does not change the fact that it is very uncomfortable to feel angry. No one wants to stay angry and most folks in a supporting role find it difficult and uncomfortable to be a witness to and deal with anger. So, what to do?

If you are a supporter, know it’s not about you. There is something behind anger and it’s most likely not something you did or did not do. Let the eruption pass and at a calmer moment you might let the person you support know you understand they are hurting, you care, and if there is a way you can help you will do your best.

When you are the one who is feeling angry, understand it’s not about you. You are not a bad person. You are experiencing a normal reaction to loss. The uncomfortable angry feeling is letting you know there is something you need to process. Maybe you can work it out on your own, or perhaps talking with a non-judgmental trusted friend will help. Some find a solution on their own when writing in their grief journal. Others find working with a professional counselor helps them identify the root of the anger and come up with an action plan to bring about relief. Your anger may be generated by fear or reluctance to move into an unwanted situation that death has forced upon you. Anger is usually a secondary feeling. It has its origin in another feeling.

Grieving takes time and everyone’s timeline is individual. When you are a part of a grieving group - a family of mourners - the anger can be triggered by the pace of activity. Ask yourself if things are moving too fast? Does your angry friend or family member need the pace to slow a bit? Are you giving the support that is needed when it’s needed or are you perhaps doing something that will need to be done eventually, but that other mourners are not yet ready for?

Death and loss are often the undoing of families. If you care to protect the integrity of the family group, you may need to move carefully. Watch for anger, be impeccable with your words and be slow to speak. Ask questions to make yourself understood. Work hard at communication. Diffuse anger. Let the anger of others roll off your back.

Remember, grief is difficult work. Also remember, nothing lasts forever. This too will pass.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Feeling Scared – The Emotions of Grieving

Sat, 12 Aug 2023 14:10:08 GMT

When a person loses a spouse or life partner it’s not unusual to be afraid. Afraid of the future, the dark, and sleeping alone. After all, a lot has changed. When one half of a couple dies the person who is left behind has many adjustments to make. Some adjustments are small, and some are life changing. Long engrained roles are left unfilled. She paid all the bills, he cleaned the gutters, we shared the cooking. Now the one left behind must do it all. How often do you change a furnace filter? Why aren’t my scrambled eggs fluffy? Do I have enough money? Should I move close to my children? Can I live in my house alone? It’s easy to understand how a person can feel overwhelmed and fearful.

You might just feel like staying in your PJ’s and sleeping all day. After all, you’re not sleeping at night! That’s a short-term strategy, but it’s not a long-term answer. You know what they say about eating an elephant? You have to go about it one bite at a time. That is the strategy for overcoming your fear. It’s not a pep talk you need. What you need is a plan.

First, begin by figuring out what has you feeling off center. Name the fear. What is keeping you awake at night? That may not be as easy as it sounds. In the haze of grief, it may be difficult to identify what is bothering you. Doing something about it can feel impossible.

Take a deep breath, give yourself a hug, you can do this. If you are journaling (highly recommended for those who are grieving) just let it pour out of your head onto the paper. If you are not journaling, make a list. Use the old strategy you learned in school, who, what, where, when and why. Who or what makes you feel scared? Where or when do you feel scared? Why are you scared?

If you need help identifying the root of your fear, get help. A grief therapist may be able to help you identify your fear. Some people find talking with their minister, priest or rabbi helpful. Your funeral director may be able to help you find a grief therapist in your area.

Second, identify your priorities. The list might be long, that’s okay. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Give yourself the gift of time. You can’t fix it all in a day, but you can get started. Choose one thing to work on. You might start with the easiest or the most pressing. It’s not so much where you begin, as it is that you begin. You will find that you feel much better when you get something on your list started.

Think about what might help. Suppose you are not sleeping well. Perhaps you haven’t been alone at night for a long time. Would a motion sensor light or a security system help you feel more comfortable? What might help you as you adjust to this new reality?

Third, think about who can help you and what you would like for them to do. Do you need to talk to your financial advisor? Do you need legal advice? Can a friend or one of your children help? Don’t be shy about asking for help. It’s a pretty safe bet that you have family or friends who have no idea what to do to support you, but who would love to help you if you ask. Do be specific about what you need. Ask your son-in-law to help you find a security system. The added security may help you sleep better at night.

Finally, review your plan. Is your solution a good one or just a Band-Aid? Eating poorly prepared or take-out food may seem like an easy answer, but it’s not the long-term answer to not being able to cook or get healthy food. Leaving the TV on all night might alleviate sleeplessness, but it’s not a good long-term plan for getting the rest your body needs. Ignoring the change in your financial situation won’t make it go away. It may even lead to a painful reality check down the road. If your plan has holes, dig a little deeper. Think. Ask for help. Make a small start.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What To Do With Funeral Flowers

Sat, 05 Aug 2023 17:08:01 GMT

Flowers and funerals have been linked since the earliest times. One hundred thousand years ago at Qafzeh in Israel, possibly the world’s oldest intentional burial site, there is evidence flowers were placed on the graves. Why flowers? Maybe they were placed on top of buried remains to disguise the scent of decay and discourage animals from disturbing the grave. Or perhaps the beauty of flowers has always made them a likely token of esteem for someone who has died. Regardless of the reason, the connection of flowers and funerals remains strong today.

So, what can be done with all those lovely blooms after the funeral is over?

1. Remember to offer the flowers to all family members and close friends. Before everyone disperses ask them to take an arrangement and enjoy it in your loved one’s memory.

2. Use the flowers to brighten someone’s day. Arrangements can be deconstructed and made into bouquets that can be distributed to nursing homes, friends and neighbors.

3. Many churches purchase flowers for their services. Check to see if a donation of your flowers might be welcome.

4. Arrange flowers in a bouquet, hang them upside down in a dark dry place and allow them to dry for a long-lasting keepsake arrangement.

5. Remove the petals, arrange them on baking trays and dry in a low heat oven to make potpourri.

6. Press some of the prettiest blooms.

7. Explore the internet you will find people who will use your flowers to make a variety of keepsakes as well as some helpful ideas and how-to instructions.

8. Compost your flowers. You just might be gifted with volunteer blooms in the Spring.

Finally, remember the intended sentiment of the flower. They are meant to give comfort. They were sent because someone needed to express their love and affection for you or the person who died. Flowers are not intended to become a burden; you are not expected to keep them forever. Just enjoy the flowers in the quantity and for the length of time that suits you and then let them go.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What to Do When Someone Dies

Sat, 29 Jul 2023 14:24:29 GMT

When someone dies unexpectedly at home you will call 911. If there is an advance directive you will want to have it in hand otherwise, it is standard procedure for paramedics to attempt to resuscitate the individual. Transportation to a medical facility will likely take place. By way of preparation, if you have signed an advance directive; those most likely to be present should you die, should be aware of the location of the document.

When a person dies at home who has an advance directive that stipulates do not resuscitate and the death is not unexpected you may not be required to call 911. In this case you will contact the person/doctor in charge of care.

When someone dies at home under hospice care the hospice care provider will be able to pronounce the death. Once death is pronounced the funeral home or mortuary of the family’s choice will be called and will come to the home to take the deceased into their care. By way of preparation, the family should choose a funeral home when a family member is admitted into hospice care.

When a person dies while traveling away from home 911 will need to be called. If there is an advance directive requesting do not resuscitate this document will need to be produced for the paramedics. Once death is pronounced by either a physician or the coroner YOUR HOMETOWN FUNERAL HOME SHOULD BE CALLED. Depending on the distance from home, your hometown funeral provider will either travel to collect the deceased or make arrangements to have the body transported to their location. Calling your local hometown funeral home is all that is necessary.

By way of preparation, especially if you are a frequent traveler, you should contact your funeral home to discuss how to prepare for the unexpected. Most travel programs offer insurance protection for health emergencies and return of body expenses for each individual trip you take. Many funeral homes offer similar or better protection for all the trips you may take. The funeral home program is a pay once and be covered program that eliminates the added expense with each individual trip. It will also work even if you are just a hundred miles away visiting the grandchildren.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How Much Does a Funeral Cost?

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 04:17:22 GMT

According to the National Funeral Directors Association the median cost of funeral with a viewing and burial was $7,843.00 in 2021. That said, several factors will impact what an individual family will pay for a funeral service. Chief among them is personal choice.

Each component of a funeral comes with a cost. A visitation of just an hour or two held immediately before a service will usually be less expensive than a visitation held on a separate day or evening of longer duration. A pine casket will cost less than a mahogany casket. There is a wide variety of service and product options from which a family may choose. What a family wants or needs will determine the cost of the funeral.

The cost of a funeral is not unlike the cost of all other products and services. A complicated last will that takes hours to prepare will come at a higher cost than a simple will. Some shirts, pants, and shoes cost more than others. As with everything, the material and design as well as the work hours required to deliver a service affects the price.

In addition to personal choice, where you live may have an impact on the cost of your funeral. Cost of living impacts the cost of funerals. Average wage per hour in San Francisco is greater than say in Akron, Ohio therefore you will expect the cost of a funeral service to be higher in San Fran than in Akron. The median cost of a house in Boston is $682,000 in Nashville it is $298,000 it follows that pretty much everything in Boston will be more expensive than in Nashville.

Every funeral home is required by federal law to provide a general price list (itemized price list) to every customer who comes to the funeral home to discuss service options or who simply requests a price list. There are no surprises. During the arrangement conference at least one family member should be paying attention to the costs associated with the choices being made.

Finally, a word about budget. Before the family members responsible for making the decisions get together with the funeral director, they should establish an agreed upon budget. Planning a funeral is an emotional experience. A group of family members may not all have the same idea about what to do and on some occasions disagreements can erupt. No one wants a family to spend more than they can afford. Not the person who died and not the funeral director.

www.smithfamilycares.com

When Will You Need to Pay for a Funeral?

Sat, 15 Jul 2023 16:18:30 GMT

A funeral is a professional service that is supported with specialized products. It is paid for much like other professional services. Just like at the doctor’s office, you will need to make arrangements for payment before the service is provided. It only takes a little thought to understand why payment before service is the norm for funeral service.

If the deceased has not provided for funeral cost the family will be responsible. Since it may take months for an estate to settle those funds may not be available until long after payment for the funeral is required. This can create a burden for family members who will need to cover that cost from their personal funds while they wait for the estate to reimburse them.

This is something every adult should consider. “Death is often unexpected, and the family is unprepared” is an often-repeated cliché. But it is true. It is also preventable. Every adult, and especially those who do not share access to adequate bank accounts with a responsible family member, should take action.

First, call the funeral home of your choice and make an appointment with their advance planning specialist. Take the hour or two you will need to put together a funeral plan and get an accurate funeral cost estimate for the funeral you would prefer at today’s cost. This will give you a base from which to work.

Second, ask the specialist to explain any programs the funeral home may have in place that will help you assure funds are available to cover the cost should the unexpected happen to you. Ask about inflation protection. Ask about payment options. Ask the specialist to explain how their program compares with other solutions available outside the funeral home. These include POD accounts and final expense insurance products.

Finally, decide what is the best solution for you and your family, keeping in mind someone will likely need to pay for your funeral service before that service can take place.

Your pre-planning can be a lifesaver for family and friends.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How Do You Help Someone Who is Grieving When You are Grieving Yourself?

Sat, 08 Jul 2023 19:42:25 GMT

How Do You Help Someone Who is Grieving When You Are Grieving Yourself

Perhaps you begin by just believing in yourself. Even though you may feel empty you have something to give. Even if your emotions are right there on the surface, it’s ok. Even if you are trying to immerse yourself in your life to avoid your own pain, surrender. Join hands with your fellow mourner and let yourself feel.

When you mourn with someone who shares your loss you are not there to fix anything. You can’t cheer up a mourner, you can’t absorb or eliminate their pain. You needn’t hide your own pain, there is no need to put on clown face. When you are invited to share time with your grieving friend or relative just slow down, lean in, measure your words, use the name of the person who died, and listen. Hear what they are missing and feeling about the person you both loved. Share what you loved and miss about your person. Cry together. Acknowledging the pain is comforting. It’s enough.

People travel through life finding their way. It’s a bit like we are writing a script for our life or a book about the life we anticipate. In most cases the narrative is not reality. Often, we go to college to be one thing and end up being another. We marry the boy or girl of our dreams and then we find out what we dreamed wasn’t reality. We have children and we find out real flesh and blood children are not necessarily what we put in our script. Our script doesn’t include the challenges we face in real life. But the challenges come, and we are resilient. We do our best. Sometimes our best is excellent and sometimes it’s just passable. We get hurt and we survive and are happy and then the cycle happens again.

Rarely do we include the death of a dear friend, wife, husband or child in our script. When it happens, we suffer. We mourn. We may never understand but we have survived in the past and we will again.

Perhaps in time we will add something from the person who died into our life. We will embrace something they loved and incorporate it into our story. Because they loved the sunrise, we’ll become an early riser and marvel at the dawn. Because they never knew a stranger, we’ll talk to the person who checks out our groceries. Because they taught little children to read, we’ll volunteer to read stories to little ones at the library.

Mourning takes time. It cannot be rushed. For some it takes months and for others longer. Mourning has up and downs, good days and not so good days. Mourning is a journey. It can’t be skipped. It’s personal and yet it does not need to be solitary.

Laura Jean Truman tell us …

You can’t heal people you love. You can’t make choices for them. You can promise they won’t journey alone. You can loan them your map. But the trip is theirs.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy

Sat, 17 Jun 2023 17:20:13 GMT

How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy

What is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is a speech or a writing that praises someone who has recently died. A eulogy or multiple eulogies may be the centerpiece of a life celebration or a part of a religious based service. Eulogies are not reserved for those who have circled the moon, lead companies or countries, or written books and music. Eulogies are for everyday people who were loved. They are for mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. They are for people who touched lives in ordinary ways.

Who should deliver the Eulogy?

A eulogy may be delivered by a family member, a friend, a coworker, or even a funeral celebrant. The eulogist need not be a polished public speaker, but a family member who is uncomfortable with public speaking may not be the best choice.

Before a person accepts the honor of delivering a eulogy, they should consider the following: Will they have the time and energy to invest in preparing the speech? Do they have the emotional stamina needed to stand before a group and talk about the loved one for five minutes or more? Will delivering the eulogy help them in their own personal grief process or will it be an added burden?

The hours, days, and weeks following the death of a loved one are difficult. A grieving spouse, child, parent, or sibling may not be up to the job. There is no shame in saying no. A more distantly related family member may be a better choice.

What should be included in a Eulogy?

A eulogy, by definition, is praise, praise for the deceased. A parent who got up every day for thirty, forty, or fifty years and went to work just to keep food on the table and a roof over his family’s heads deserves praise. A eulogy often begins at the beginning and follows a chronological order of the life that was lived. What brings a eulogy to life are the stories. When a eulogist can tap the emotional connections, the feelings, the humor, things the person loved to do or often said, or cared deeply about, it can create a magic moment.

A eulogist who takes the time to “interview” family members and close friends will be able to add to the scope of the speech. Just ask, “what will you remember about mom?” Or “what shouldn’t be left out of the eulogy?” These interviews are especially important when one sibling is taking the stage to represent the family. It is a good idea to review what you plan to cover and check in with other family members to see if anything should be added or deleted to what you have written.

What should not be included in a Eulogy?

When putting together a eulogy think of the listeners. The eulogy leaves a lasting impression. No person is perfect, but a eulogy is not the place to review shortcomings, air grudges, or point out flaws.

How to Write and Deliver a Eulogy:

Even if you are accustomed to public speaking, when it comes to a eulogy you should write it out and read it out loud. Practice and edit until it sounds right to you. Put it down for at least a few hours, then go back and read it out loud and again edit as needed. You may think you do not need to read the eulogy out loud, but you do. The brain lays down the information in different ways … believe it or not actually writing with a pencil and paper before you type the eulogy on your computer will help you with recall. Planning and preparation are critical. You will have emotional moments. As you practice check in with your speed of delivery. A slower cadence/speed of speaking will come across as comforting and help anyone who may have difficulty hearing understand what you are saying. Finally, a eulogy is not the time for off-the-cuff speaking. Even if you are a good, experienced speaker, preparation is needed.

Ask the funeral director to provide a podium or lectern and a microphone. Schedule a practice time with the funeral home. Check to be sure the set-up can be adjusted for your height and ask the director to have a glass or bottle of water available.

Type your speech in a font that is large enough for you to read easily. Print it out on single pages, number the pages and use a highlighter to mark key words. When you arrive at the podium, place your speech in the order you will deliver it. If you will be including readings make sure they are printed and inserted in your pile in the appropriate order. You want to avoid paper shuffling. As you go through your eulogy turn your completed pages over on the left making a new pile of delivered material blank side up.

When you are one of several eulogists who will speak, you absolutely will need to connect with each other before you begin to write your eulogy and after you have all completed your first draft. During the first meeting you will be deciding who will cover what. During the second meeting you will be looking for redundancy and coverage. You want to be sure the highlights of the life are covered but not repeated.

Check to be sure everyone is keeping to an agreed upon time frame for length of their part of the program. Remember, grieving family members are under stress and stress shortens one’s attention span. If it fits with your program intersperse a short reading, a musical performance, or a short slideshow of pictures in between the speakers.

When the Eulogy is the Service:

According to a Gallup poll, “Americans' membership in houses of worship continued to decline last year, dropping below 50% for the first time in Gallup's eight-decade trend. In 2020, 47% of Americans said they belonged to a church, synagogue or mosque, down from 50% in 2018 and 70% in 1999”.

When there is no organized faith base to provide an established structure for the funeral service, the eulogy or eulogies may be required to take center stage. That means a little additional thought needs to go into the coordination of the service.

The place to begin is with your funeral director. Talk to him or her about what you do want included in the service. Music, pictures in the form of a slideshow, photo boards and sometimes even food can become a part of the service or celebration of life. One eulogy or several eulogists speaking about different aspects or phases of the deceased’s life may be woven into the visual and musical presentations. Grandchildren may play grandma’s favorite song. Dad’s car club may bring an entire car show to the parking lot.

Ask the funeral director for guidance and ideas and ask for resources that will support your vision. If you would like to have multiple eulogists, talk with the funeral director about guidelines you will want to provide. How many will speak, how long should they talk, who will give them an outline of what they should cover? Who will coordinate the program? Your funeral director is an invaluable source of information.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Is It Bad Luck to Plan Your Funeral in Advance?

Sat, 10 Jun 2023 15:56:10 GMT

Is it Bad Luck to Plan Your Funeral in Advance?

Definitely not. In fact, if one were to ask the children and family members of those who planned their funeral in advance how they felt about their family member’s foresight they would no doubt tell you they felt very lucky indeed.

Imagine this: your phone rings or buzzes or sings and you answer or check your messages only to find out someone you care about has died. Maybe they succumbed to a long and difficult illness or perhaps the death was caused by an accident or a sudden unexpected medical event. What happens next? If you are one of the family decision makers, you begin to come together. That coming together can mean a drive across town or it may involve booking a flight. It can mean a series of telephone calls or a Zoom style family meeting. There will be questions that need to be answered and decisions that must be made.

Where did the death occur? Who do you call to transport the body? Where will the body be taken? Which funeral home will be used? When will a service take place? Will there be burial, cremation or something else? Will there be a spiritual component? Who will prepare the death notice? Who will take care of writing the obituary? How much will everything cost and who will pay? How soon will funds be available? There will be many decisions that must be made in a short period of time.

Now, imagine there is a plan in place. Funeral arrangements have been made and paid for in advance, maybe even years before an illness was even known about. Imagine family members knowing exactly who to call, what will happen, how much it will cost and how all the services will be paid for. Luck is with those who prepare. It’s called making your own luck.

www.smithfamilycares.com

It’s a Funeral … Go Ahead and CRY

Sat, 03 Jun 2023 15:26:51 GMT

It’s a Funeral … Go Ahead and CRY

Should Americans get more comfortable with tears?

When it comes to funerals Americans can sometimes feel uncomfortable both shedding tears or observing their flow from a fellow mourner. Perhaps you have attended a funeral and noticed those who need to weep often leave the room? They retire to the restroom or go outside for a breather. Why? What triggers tears? What are tears made of? Is there any benefit to shedding tears?

Human beings actually shed, on average, between 15 and 30 gallons of tears each year. Both sexes cry. According to research, women cry an average of 3.5 times per month and men cry an average of 1.9 times a month. Tears are produced by the lacrimal gland located just above the eye. The lacrimal gland receives signals from both the autonomic nervous system and the frontal lobe of the brain. Humans produce three distinct types of tears. Each type has its own trigger, chemical make-up, benefit, and each looks different under a microscope.

Basal tears are in the eye all the time. They lubricate, nourish, and protect the cornea. Basal tears shield the eye from dirt and debris. They are made up of a protein-rich antibacterial liquid that helps keep the eyes moist every time a person blinks. Basal tears are not unique to humans, as animals also produce this type of tear. Under a microscope these tears look like delicate branches of a tree or undersea coral.

Reflexive tears/onion tears are the tears that are triggered in response to an irritant. Smoke, wind, and chemical irritants trigger these tears. They come in greater quantity than basal tears and contain more antibodies to help fight bacteria. Their job is to flush the eye of the irritating substance. Under a microscope these tears look like a close pattern of dense snowflakes.

Emotional tears are our funeral tears. They are also the ones we shed when we hear the national anthem and see our flag waving, watch our grandchild play the flute in her first music recital or score his first soccer goal. Emotional tears are amazing. These tears are unique to humans. They are triggered by the frontal lobe of our brain in response to our human experience. Their chemistry is different. They are thicker than our other tears making them more visible as they make their way down the cheek. These emotional tears contain additional proteins and hormones, they contain a natural pain killer as well as endorphins. Science is catching up to the ancient folk wisdom that says, “you’ll feel better after a good cry”. Under the microscope these tears actually look different based on the emotion that triggered them. Emotional tears look like fractured glass. ( Rose-Lynn Fishe r "The Topography of Tears")

People may try to suppress tears if they see them as a sign of weakness, but science suggests that doing so could mean missing out on a range of benefits. There is still much to learn about the science of tears, but newer research indicates:

1. Tears have a self-soothing effect. Shedding tears helps people regulate their own emotions, calm themselves, and reduce their own distress. Crying activates the parasympathetic nervous system which helps people relax.

2. Crying helps people get support from others around them. Human beings are social. Crying is an attachment behavior: it rallies support from people around us and has an interpersonal social benefit. The human body is simply marvelous. Emotional tears literally stick to our face so others can see we need help!

3. Weeping helps to relieve pain. Tears release oxytocin and endorphins. These chemicals make people feel good and may ease both physical and emotional pain and promote a sense of well-being.

4. Crying may help lift people’s spirits and make them feel better. Oxytocin and endorphins can help improve mood.

Maybe it is time to embrace our tears—or at the very least, respond with a hug and kind words when we see someone at a funeral crying.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Memorial Day

Sat, 27 May 2023 17:46:04 GMT

Memorial Day

Memorial Day is that one day, in three hundred and sixty- five days, we pause and honor those who died in the military service of our country.

The practice of decorating the graves of fallen soldiers originated 1868 to honor those who died in the Civil War. In 1971 Memorial Day became a national holiday. Whereas Veteran’s Day, celebrated on the 11 ^th of November, honors all those who served or are serving in any branch of the military. Memorial Day honors veterans who gave the ultimate sacrifice for our country. Those who gave their life.

Their numbers are great, and we should always remember our deadliest war was the Civil War, when we fought each other, with greater causalities even than WW II.

Revolutionary War – 4,435

War of 1812 – 2,260

Indian Wars – 1,000

Mexican War – 13,283

Civil War – 498,332

Spanish American War – 2,446

WW I – 116,516

WW II – 405,399

Korean – 54,246

Vietnam – 90,220

Persian Gulf War – 1,565

Global War on Terror – 6,852

Total number of Americans killed in all U. S. wars is more than 1.1 million

Source Department of Defense and of Veterans Affairs

On May 30, 2022 many Americans will gather, fire up the grill, and have the first picnic of the summer season. Hopefully they will also recall why we have this day free from work. They will take a moment to acknowledge the sacrifice of human life that has provided and secured our freedoms. In addition to the hot dogs, burgers, and beer, perhaps take in a Memorial Day parade? Go to the cemetery and teach your kids and grandkids what those flags on graves mean.

Another beautiful way to honor our war dead occurs everywhere in the United States of America. It’s easy to participate. At 3 p.m. your local time take part in the national moment of remembrance … Taps Across America. If you play a musical instrument step outside and play taps, if you don’t play turn up your smart speaker as loud as it will go and ask it to play taps. Be still and listen. See if another within your earshot is showing their appreciation for those who gave their life to get us where we are today and to keep us a great and free democracy.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What if I Change My Mind About Cremation After I Pre-plan My Funeral?

Sat, 20 May 2023 16:12:53 GMT

What if I Change My Mind About Cremation After I Pre-plan My Funeral?

As we put our work life in the rearview mirror and fast forward into the much-anticipated retirement years, it is really very common to want to get our ducks in a row. This usually includes financial planning, health care planning, legacy planning, and advance planning for how our closing ceremony will be carried out.

Taking care of all of these tasks usually leaves people with a sense of relief. Once all the responsible things have been taken care of, we get to shake off the cloak of responsibility we have been wearing for a long time. Yippee! We are retired. For a few years at least, we can go where we want to go and do what we want to do. Something most retirees haven’t had the luxury of doing in a very long time.

Occasionally, there is some hesitation about planning for the closing ceremony. Everyone knows they can adjust their finances as the economic situation changes. They know they can change their advance directives and their power of attorney for health care or change their will. But they seem to feel if they make decisions regarding their final disposition, burial or cremation, that decision will be carved in stone. Not so.

Any of the funeral plans made with your funeral home can be changed or amended. Just as with the will, advance directives, and financial plans, as long as you live, you have the power to make changes.

If your plan included cremation and you find being cremated no longer feels right for you or your family, the plan can be changed. You would simply call the funeral home and set up an appointment with the staff member in charge of advanced funeral planning. Tell them you want to review the funeral plan you have on file. The funeral director will help you bring your plan in line with your current wishes. Of course, the same is true if you wish to change your plan from burial to cremation. Or, if your faith has changed and you want to include a new church in your plan.

In short, no one need avoid planning for their closing ceremony because they are not 100% sure about the burial or cremation choice.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How Long Does Cremation Take?

Sat, 13 May 2023 17:20:25 GMT

How Long Does Cremation Take

If you’re considering cremation for your loved one, you’re not alone. In 2020, the rate of cremation in the United States was 56.1 percent, and that number is only expected to climb. By 2030, it’s estimated that the cremation rate will be all the way up to 72.8 percent. So, what should you expect when you decide to cremate a loved one? Let’s take a look at how long the process takes and how cremation affects funeral planning.

How long does cremation take?

The actual cremation process typically takes between one and three hours, though processing the remains adds an additional two hours. However, that doesn’t mean that cremation happens the same day as someone’s passing. The process of getting approval for cremation all the way until the remains can be returned to a family usually occurs between four and 15 business days.

Many states have laws that require cremation if someone is not embalmed or refrigerated within a certain amount of time. However, most often, the entire cremation process takes longer than that time frame. If a family does not want embalming to occur before cremation, the body will need to be refrigerated while they wait for proper approval.

How is someone approved for cremation?

First, your loved one will need to be identified. This step is crucial to ensure that, after someone is cremated, they have the right identification. Getting approval for cremation varies by state, but they do all follow a similar path. For one thing, the funeral home staff will always have to receive a death certificate before they can proceed. They will also need authorization from the decedent’s next-of-kin in the form of a Cremation Authorization Form. The next-of-kin is typically a spouse, but the decision falls to the children if no spouse is around. If there are multiple children, all of them must sign and agree to the form. Some states may also require a waiting period before someone can be cremated, though this can be overridden if there’s a public health concern.

Can you have a funeral after someone is cremated?

Funerals are very individualized events, and as such, you have options when it comes to planning one for a loved one. Although many people prefer to have their loved ones present in a casket for a funeral, you can decide to cremate your loved one before the ceremony. If you opt to do this, your loved one may not have to be embalmed. You’ll be waiting to hold the funeral until after the entire cremation process is concluded.

There are no rules regarding when you have to hold a funeral if your loved one is already cremated. You may choose to have it soon after cremation ends or decide to hold off for some weeks or months. This form of cremation is referred to as cremation with a memorial service, and the ashes of your loved one may or may not be present. That decision is up to you.

You can also choose to forgo a funeral altogether. In a cremation only situation, also known as “direct cremation,” the funeral home or crematory will work to process the cremation as quickly as possible. The ashes will be returned to you without the funeral home working with you to plan any funeral or memorial service.

But because most states have laws that require embalming or refrigeration to occur within a specific time frame after death, your loved one may have to be embalmed or refrigerated if you choose to have a funeral before cremation. This form of cremation is typically referred to as cremation with a traditional service.

If you have any questions about the cremation of your loved one, it’s best to talk to your funeral director. Especially considering that each state and even county can have different laws about when and how cremation has to happen, your funeral director will have a wealth of knowledge from years of experience operating within those laws. When it comes to funeral planning, opting for cremation doesn’t have to change what you want your loved one’s funeral to look like. In fact, it can open the door for more choices as to when to hold the funeral or memorial service.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Preparing for a Funeral: Videos

Sat, 06 May 2023 16:45:45 GMT

Preparing for a Funeral: Videos

Every funeral is a celebration of life. And one of the best ways to celebrate that life is by surrounding the funeral with memories of how that life was lived. One way to do this is by incorporating a memorial video into your ceremony or the events before or after it. A memorial video is filled with home movies and pictures of your loved one throughout their life, showing just how loved that loved one was. So, how can you put one together, and how can you show it at a funeral? While some funeral homes may be able to help with video services, here are a few steps to take if you want to create one yourself.

1. Check with your funeral home to ensure they have the right equipment to show videos.

Many funeral homes have projectors or televisions that can show slideshows and videos. But it’s best not to assume that your funeral home will have what you need. You don’t want the day of the funeral to arrive, and you have your video ready to go but nothing to show it on. Always check with your funeral director to be sure that there will be something available on the day for your video. If not, you’ll have to supply your own projector or TV, depending on how you want to present the video. Remember that your video may have to be in a certain format, like on a DVD or thumb drive, depending on what the funeral home has available.

2. Collect videos from relatives and friends of your loved one.

After going through your own supply of home videos, ask your family and your loved one’s friends if they have any that they can contribute. Keep in mind that when you cut together the memorial video, you can also incorporate still images. Ask if they have any photos they’d be able to share as well, especially if they are pictures of your loved one during very significant moments, like a wedding or the birth of their children.

3. Convert VHS tapes to digital.

If your family and friends are sending you over old VHS tapes filled with home movies, you’re going to have some trouble creating a memorial video. But don’t worry, you can still convert those VHS tapes into useable clips. To do the conversion yourself , you’ll need a VCR, a USB-to-composite video converter, a computer with a USB port, and several hours. To get started, download the converter’s software on your computer. Then, connect the VCR to the computer using the USB video converter. Make sure the tape is rewound to where you want to start the conversion. Press play on your VCR and hit record on your computer. The recordings will have to play in real-time, so be prepared to sit back and watch those memories play out.

If you’re not particularly tech-savvy or don’t have the proper equipment to convert the videos yourself, several companies offer this service . You’ll have to ship your VHS tapes out to them, and the conversions can take a few weeks or more to process. Be sure that you have enough time before the funeral for the companies to fulfill your request and ship a DVD or USB back to you or send you a digital download.

4. Cut together the memorial video.

To create a memorial video, you’ll want to use an application that allows you to put together videos, pictures, and audio. You could invest in software known for putting clips together with other features, like graphics and text, such as Final Cut Pro. But there are also free applications available for more straightforward use, like iMovie and Windows Movie Maker. These free apps tend to be easier to learn, so you’ll be able to create something that’s not too complicated but still beautiful.

If you think you’re not the best fit to make this video, consider asking a friend or family member if they can help you. But if you’re short on time and don’t have much available help, you can also hire a contractor to make the memorial video for you. Plenty of video editors would be happy to create a professional-looking tribute for you.

Certain services are built for the exact purpose of creating a memorial video for you, like Tribute . With Tribute, you can invite your family and friends to contribute photos and videos directly on the platform. Then, you’ll have that inventory available for you to build out the memorial. Although it’s a more expensive option, you can also use Tribute’s concierge service to make the video. Another bonus to the service is that the video will be available for digital download, allowing friends and family to keep it as a memento of their loved one forever.

5. Decide when you’d like to show the video.

Memorial videos can be played at several times. If you have a memorial video with sound, you’ll likely want to play it during the funeral itself, where everyone’s full attention is on it. Be sure to include time in the ceremony for the memorial to play. However, if you don’t have any sound, you can also set up a projector to have the video shown during a memorial ceremony or visitation after the funeral. That way, those precious home movies and memories can surround family and friends as they reminisce about their loved one.

6. Send out the video after the funeral.

If you collected emails of your funeral guests in your guest book, and if you saved your video as a digital download, you could also consider sending it out after the ceremony. Memorial videos often get shelved after a funeral, but by distributing them to family and friends, they will always have those beloved memories to watch when they’re missing their loved one.

A memorial video is a tribute to your loved one, filled with memories and moments that you’ll never forget. When you put together this memorial, you’re allowing all of your funeral guests to take part in reminiscing with you. Seeing a loved one smiling and laughing at their funeral is a gift that can bring joy to a difficult day. No matter how you create one and whether you use the help of a professional or not, the most important thing is that your video shows the spirit of your loved one.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Who Pays for Funerals that Aren’t Pre-Planned?

Sat, 29 Apr 2023 15:38:16 GMT

Who Pays for Funerals That Aren't Pre-Planned?

When it comes to paying for funerals, there’s often a lot of confusion around who is responsible for covering the costs. The answer can be a bit complicated. When your loved one did not do any pre-planning for their funeral, who pays for the service and disposition?

Who pays for funerals that aren’t pre-planned?

First, it’s essential to understand that pre-planning doesn’t necessarily mean that a funeral is already paid for. Funeral homes offer people the ability to plan for their funerals without them paying for those plans in advance. It’s possible that your loved one pre-planned without pre-paying, which is a gift in itself. Whether your loved one planned but didn’t pay or if they didn’t plan at all, the financial burden typically falls to the same place.

The only person legally responsible for paying for a funeral is the person who signed the contract with the funeral home. In most cases, the funeral cost will come from the decedent’s estate. Their savings, property, and other assets will be used to cover the cost. But if the assets are not enough to pay the full price, the expenses fall to the executor of the decedent’s estate, as designated in their will. Most often, the executor is a spouse or another close relative. If there’s no executor in the will, a probate court will appoint someone, usually the closest living relative.

While, legally, the only person responsible at this point is the executor, they may need financial assistance. If there were no pre-paid accounts or insurances, the executor would have to find a way to pay themselves. If there is insufficient money in the decedent’s assets, the executor will turn to other sources to help them. Immediate and extended family often will pay what they can, but the executor still may need additional help.

It’s not uncommon for a funeral to cost upwards of $7,000 , which may be a high price for the average family. Some executors may take out a funeral loan to help cover the cost, but that might not be an option for a variety of reasons. Another way to pay for funerals is by resorting to crowdfunding. Using sites like GoFundMe allows more people to offer their assistance, even people you might not have known that your loved one knew. GoFundMe pages can be shared online, and those campaigns can spread farther than you may think. Talk to your funeral director to learn if the funeral home offers a crowdfunding platform.

But what should you do if there’s still just simply not enough money to cover the cost of a funeral? You can contact funeral assistance programs to help. Local and national charities exist to help with unexpected funeral costs. You also may be able to receive some assistance from the government. The Social Security Administration provides a small one-time death benefit to a surviving spouse or child. If your loved one passed as a result of a natural disaster, the Federal Emergency Management Agency may be able to help.

How can you plan ahead?

If you don’t pre-plan your funeral, your family will be the ones to make the decisions regarding your funeral and disposition. And if you don’t plan ahead for payment options, it’ll be up to the executor in your will to figure out how to cover expenses, which means that your family will likely end up paying however they can. But you have many options to pay into your funeral expenses ahead of time, saving your family from the financial burden.

One option is using insurance. Although many people think that their life insurance policy is enough to cover all of their final expenses, this is often not the case, and families end up paying for funerals out of pocket instead. With pre-need insurance , you’ll work with your chosen funeral home to decide on all the details of your funeral and disposition. From there, you’ll essentially pre-pay for the funeral of your choice. When you pass, the insurance will pay out to the funeral home, and they’ll enact your plans. When you purchase pre-need insurance, the funeral home will usually offer you a variety of payment plans to choose from, including the option to pay for the funeral in full.

Pre-need insurance is usually transferable or adjustable, if the need for changes arises. The beneficiary of pre-need insurance is always the funeral home because they are obligated to provide the goods and services agreed to by the decedent. Those funds ensure that the funeral that was planned is the funeral that is held. Final expense insurance is an option that pays out the death benefit to whomever you designate. That person will then have the ability to use the money to pay for the funeral, but it often ends up being used for other end-of-life costs, like medical debt.

If you so choose, you can name the funeral home as the beneficiary of final expense insurance as well. Doing so is called making an assignment. When you make an assignment, the death benefit will go to the funeral home to pay for the cost of the funeral and disposition. But after those have been paid off, the remaining funds will go to your family. Although uncommon, some people may not qualify for final expense insurance due to a terminal illness, in which case, pre-need insurance may be the best option, as everyone is eligible for it regardless of health condition.

However, you may decide to forgo the insurance route. You could instead set up a trust or a payable on death account. In fact, in some states, because the law prevents pre-need insurance, a trust or payable on death account may be your primary option. For a funeral trust, you’ll work with a funeral home to set one up. You’ll then begin paying into the account for the funeral home to access when it’s time to have your funeral. Like pre-need insurance, a funeral trust’s beneficiary is the funeral home. If you decide to go with a payable on death account, you’ll set one up with your bank instead of the funeral home. As the name implies, the account becomes payable to the person of your choosing in the event of your death.

Planning ahead and paying ahead can save your family from future stress and financial burden. When you pay in advance, your family will know exactly what you wanted in your funeral, saving them from the worry of wondering if they’re paying for the right things later on. You have many options when it comes to pre-paying for your funeral. Talk to your funeral director about how you can pay for your funeral in advance. However you choose to pay for your funeral now, you’ll be helping your family later.

If you’ll end up being an executor yourself, be sure that you know your loved one’s payment plans. Talk to them about the accounts, trusts, and insurances they’ve taken out, and be sure that you know how to access them when the time comes.

www.smithfamilycares.com

History of Hearses: What Makes a Hearse Different From a Normal Car?

Sat, 22 Apr 2023 15:47:00 GMT

History of Hearses: What Makes a Hearse Different from a Normal Car?

A hearse is a chariot that carries a loved one between their funeral and their final resting place. It’s a crucial component of a funeral home’s service. After all, anyone would want their loved one to have a dignified ride during an event meant to celebrate their life. But how did today’s hearses come to be? What we think of as hearses nowadays isn’t the first kind of hearse. Hearses come with centuries worth of history.

How were the hearses of today invented?

In the 17th century, people began referring to horse-drawn carriages used to transport the deceased as hearses. Still, it wasn’t until the early 20th century that hearses, or funeral coaches, were created as we know them today. The first vehicles were actually electric , but in 1909, undertaker H.D. Ludlow commissioned a gas-powered hearse that had the body of a horse-drawn carriage and the chassis, or base frame, of a bus, which became the preferred form of a hearse, thereby replacing the electric models.

However, because horse-drawn hearses were still available and significantly less costly, most people of average means chose to continue using those instead. But funeral directors quickly realized that they could use those gas-powered hearses several times per day because of how much faster they were than the horse-drawn ones. By the 1920s, gas-powered hearses had become more cost-effective, and horse-drawn hearses were made obsolete.

Although more companies began to manufacture gas-powered hearses in this style, starting with Crane and Breed Company of Cincinnati, Sayers & Scovill, also based in Ohio, introduced a landau-style hearse in 1925. This type of funeral coach, which looked more like a limousine, became more popular than the boxier older models and is more closely related to the hearses we know today.

When it comes to how hearses are made, you might expect that the big car-manufacturing companies just have divisions for funeral coaches. However, there’s no such thing as a factory that builds hearses from scratch. Instead, a third-party manufacturer purchases an existing vehicle and customizes it. Most of the hearses we see today are made from Cadillacs and Lincolns.

What makes a hearse different from a car?

If hearses are made from Cadillacs and Lincolns, they certainly have to undergo a transformation to be able to be used by funeral homes. To start, the car is cut in half and fitted into a larger, lower sitting chassis. This is crucial to building a hearse because it needs to be low enough for a casket to be lifted in and long enough for it to sit comfortably with enough space. From there, a fiberglass shell is built to connect the cut-apart vehicle ends. Then the electrical and fluid lines are attached. The vehicle now resembles the hearse as we know it, but some pieces still need to be added to make it a functional hearse.

An extended platform with rollers is placed in the back of the vehicles, which allows the casket to roll in and out of the car. But to keep the casket from sliding around, bier pin plates are added to secure it. To keep some privacy in the hearse, drapes that run the length of the back windows are put up.

When you see a hearse on the street, know that there was great care in turning that vehicle from a simple car into something befitting of carrying many people’s loved ones on their final journeys. Today’s hearses might not look like they did in the 17th century, but they do provide the same service of ushering loved ones to their final resting places. It’s a service funeral homes are proud to provide, which is why it’s so crucial that the vehicle is befitting the importance of the event.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What is a Visitation? Is it Different From a Wake or Viewing?

Sat, 15 Apr 2023 17:11:47 GMT

What is a Visitation? Is it Different from a Wake or Viewing?

When people say that they’re planning a funeral, they often mean something that goes beyond what occurs at the actual funeral itself. We consider funeral arrangements to be multi-day events, but that’s not because the service goes on for more than one day. It’s because most people hold additional days to allow people to gather to say goodbye or give their condolences to the loved ones of the person who passed. We call these occasions wakes, viewings, or visitations. Although they’re often used interchangeably, there are some distinct differences between the three. So, what do these events mean?

What is a visitation?

The idea behind a visitation is that you’re visiting the family of the person who passed. Essentially, a visitation is when people are invited to pay their respects to the family. This can happen for one hour or up to several days, depending on the family’s ability to receive guests. A visitation can occur in the home, but more modern visitations tend to take place in a funeral home. They typically occur in the days leading up to the funeral, but they can also be planned for after the funeral as part of the repast.

One of the most essential aspects that makes a visitation different from a wake or viewing is that this event is mainly about providing comfort for the bereaved. That’s why the person who passed is often not present for visitations. If they are present, the casket is usually closed. A visitation can also occur after cremation, with the loved one’s ashes being present.

What is a viewing?

A viewing differs from a visitation as it is less meant to provide support for the family and more meant as a time for loved ones to gather and say personal goodbyes to the one who passed. While it’s generally acceptable for anyone who wishes to come to a visitation and express their condolences, a viewing is more meant for people who knew the decedent on a personal level.

Viewings used to be commonly done in the home, but today they happen in funeral homes. Like a visitation, these events are often planned for the days leading up to a funeral. However, because a viewing involves seeing the decedent, it cannot happen after the funeral like a visitation can. Viewings are generally open-casket, giving close friends and family the chance to see their loved one before they are buried or cremated.

What is a wake?

A wake and a viewing are often used synonymously, particularly in the U.S. and Canada. A wake is still essentially a time in which mourners are invited to see the person who passed and say goodbye. Like viewings, they used to take place in the home, but they occur in funeral homes today.

Wakes do have roots that go further back than viewings, however. Although there’s a common misconception that the origin of wakes comes from the idea that people used to come view the decedent to see if they’d “wake up,” these events actually were more about holding a vigil. In Celtic countries in Europe, volunteers would stay awake beside the decedent until they were buried in the hopes that their presence would deter spirits from possessing the form of their loved one.

Ultimately, though, today's wakes are more commonly simple events in which the decedent is present so that mourners can see their loved one a final time before they’re cremated or buried. Most often, modern wakes could also be called viewings.

When you’re arranging a funeral, you should consider the events that occur around the service itself. A visitation is a lovely way for a community to come together to support the family of someone who passed. And a wake or viewing gives people who loved the decedent the chance to say farewell to someone who meant so much to them. If you’d like to arrange for days for viewings or visitations, talk to your funeral director about what options they have for hosting these additional events.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Choosing the Pallbearers

Sat, 08 Apr 2023 17:19:47 GMT

Choosing the Pallbearers

Planning a funeral isn’t a one-person job. As you go about planning the funeral for a loved one, you’ll find that many people will become involved. Some may help you gather photos to display around the funeral home. You may invite others to do a reading or sing a song during the ceremony. And some people will become pallbearers.

But how do you know who to ask to be a pallbearer for your loved one’s funeral? Here are a few things that you should consider.

How to Choose the Pallbearers for a Loved One’s Funeral

1. Confirm with the funeral home how many pallbearers will be needed.

A pallbearer is tasked with carrying the casket to the service location from the hearse and vice versa. In general, depending on the casket’s design, you’ll likely need six to eight pallbearers. Before asking anyone to be a pallbearer, be sure that you know how many you’ll need. Your funeral home will be able to answer questions about the weight of the casket and how many pallbearers will be able to carry it.

2. Consider the physical requirements of carrying the casket.

A wooden casket alone may weigh between 150 and 250 pounds. When you add the decedent, that weight could double. Although pallbearers don’t typically have to carry the casket for longer than 15 minutes, moving that much weight even for a short amount of time can be incredibly difficult. Be sure that whoever you ask is prepared to carry that much. Likely, someone who is too young or too elderly will not be able to handle the casket’s weight, but there may be other reasons why someone might not be up to the task.

3. Don’t forget about the emotional requirements.

There are many differing opinions about how close the pallbearers should be to the decedent. Often, very close family members are not selected to be pallbearers because of the emotional distress they’re experiencing from the loss of their loved one. Someone who is very strongly mourning may have trouble carrying the casket as grief overtakes them. Additionally, the position of pallbearer is a very public one. There will be many eyes on them as they move the coffin. Some people may become embarrassed if grief overtakes them while they’re trying to fulfill their duty. Be sure that the people you ask are aware that this position can be taxing both physically and emotionally.

4. Have both backup and honorary pallbearers.

Although you hope that the day of the funeral will go by smoothly, there’s always the potential for something to go awry. If one of your pallbearers suddenly falls ill or cannot carry the casket for another reason, it’s a good idea to ask backup pallbearers to be available. Just be sure that they know that they have to be prepared if they’re needed at the last minute. You may also want to offer that if they are not required to carry the casket after all, they can also be honorary pallbearers. Honorary pallbearers walk either ahead of or just behind the coffin. This is also a good position for someone who was particularly close to the decedent but who cannot handle the strain of carrying the casket. If you’re concerned that someone who wants to be a pallbearer isn’t a good fit, talk to your funeral director. They may have suggestions on other ways for the person to be included.

5. Only choose people who you trust to be reliable.

For the original, backup, and honorary pallbearers, ensure that they are aware that they may have to arrive at the funeral home early. If you know that someone has a habit of being late or backing out at the last minute for events, they probably shouldn’t be chosen as pallbearers. The day of the funeral can be very stressful, and having pallbearers arriving late or not at all can make that strain much worse. Do confirmation check-ins with your pallbearers in the week leading up to the funeral to ensure they’re ready for what’s being asked of them and aware of what time they will be needed at the funeral home.

Pallbearers carry a lot of weight, both physically and emotionally, so it’s essential that you know you’re picking people who are up to the challenge. Make sure that everyone who is chosen is aware of what’s being required of them, but just in case someone isn’t able to perform on the day, always have backups waiting to help. For those who want to be a pallbearer but aren’t able to handle the emotional or physical stress, honorary pallbearer is a valued and cherished position. A pallbearer of any kind is an integral part of the funeral procession, so be sure that you’re choosing people who understand why what they’re doing matters.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Plan It...All the Way Out

Sat, 01 Apr 2023 13:08:48 GMT

Plan It...All the Way Out

The ritual harkening the long-awaited approach of spring is upon us – March Madness.

People of all ages, incomes, and professions will be completing their brackets and winding down to the biggest decisions of all … the final four! Players and coaches have been working hard for months leading up to this finale.

The work and preparation leading up to the end of the college basketball season is not unlike what we all do in our professional lives. Most people work for years in anticipation of the day when they will retire and have the luxury of calling their time their own. The final five working years before retirement are typically the time to get your ducks in a row.

Most people approaching retirement begin to think about maxing their savings in those final years of earning. Many take care of deferred maintenance to the home and some even work on their estate plan. Fewer think about the final duck … their funeral. Planning and funding your funeral during those years is a great time to get it done. Especially if being frugal about this expense is of importance.

Some of the benefits to planning and funding a funeral in advance include:

· A payment plan set up while you are still working and earning means the funeral will be completely paid for (at today’s cost) before you retire. That means you won’t need to withdraw from investments to cover this cost in your retirement years.

· Most people are in good health as they wind down their working years. That means the total cost of the funeral can be covered should something unexpected happen before the payments are complete.

· Funerals, like most things, tend to inflate in cost over time … it’s not going to get cheaper. You can lock down your cost and be done before you retire.

It’s easy to find out everything you need to know about planning and funding a funeral. Just call the funeral home and ask to speak to the individual who takes care of advance funeral planning.

Plan early, live long… and have fun during your March Madness and beyond!

www.smithfamilycares.com

The Many Details a Funeral Director is Responsible For

Sat, 25 Mar 2023 14:36:27 GMT

The Many Details a Funeral Director is Responsible For

When a loved one passes away, families work with funeral homes to provide care for the deceased and prepare for their services and final disposition. During this difficult time, it takes a caring, guiding hand to ensure everything is in order and celebrates the life of this unique individual. That’s where funeral directors come in. But there’s a lot that a funeral director does that you might not be aware of. Let’s take a look at the many duties a funeral director is responsible for.

What does a funeral director do at a funeral home?

1. Assist families in planning their loved one’s services and disposition.

When you plan a loved one’s services and final disposition, a funeral director will be there to guide you through the process. There are hundreds of crucial decisions to make during this difficult time. Having a knowledgeable professional by your side ensures that you’re well-informed on all of your options and can make the right choices for you and your family.

2. Organize and mentor their staff.

Reaching the position of a funeral director takes years of training and experience in funeral homes. But a funeral director isn’t the only person making sure that funerals run smoothly. Many funeral directors rely on the help of funeral assistants. With the guidance of a funeral director, these assistants set up rooms for services, prepare caskets for transport, and do what they can to ensure that every ceremony is well-organized and adequately honors your loved one.

3. Ensure that paperwork is properly filed.

One of the things we don’t often think about when a loved one passes away is what we need to file with the local and federal governments to fulfill their plans. For instance, you’ll need a death certificate and a permit for cremation if cremation was what your loved one wanted. But we don’t often have to think about these crucial forms because a funeral director ensures that every document is filled out correctly and goes to the right places.

4. Embalm or organize the process for embalming.

A funeral director is oftentimes a licensed embalmer in many funeral homes. That means that they will be the ones to prepare your loved one for their funeral or viewing. However, if the funeral home employs additional embalmers, the funeral director is the one organizing the process, ensuring that everything is done promptly and respectfully. If the funeral director won’t be doing the embalming themselves, they are often the liaison between the embalmer and the decedent's family. They will collect the clothing and other accessories that the family wants their loved one to wear on the day of the funeral or be buried with, making sure that the decedent is correctly attired according to the family’s wishes. Should the funeral home also utilize the help of a mortuary cosmetologist, the funeral director will also organize when they come to prepare the loved one.

5. Arrange the transportation of the decedent.

When someone passes away, a funeral director is the one to take the decedent into the funeral home’s care. They must organize transportation to bring them to the funeral home, and once that happens, they have many more arrangements to make. The funeral director will manage the funeral procession and coordinate transport for the decedent to reach their burial or cremation site, as well as ensure that, if they were cremated, their remains are delivered back to the care of their family.

6. Ensure that the burial or cremation site is prepared for the decedent.

It’s crucial that a funeral director coordinates with the burial or cremation site. Following the funeral, the cemetery must be open to receive the decedent for burial. In the case of cremation, the funeral director will schedule it with a local crematory if the funeral home does not have its own crematory.

7. Provide aftercare or grief support to a loved one’s family.

Funeral directors understand that grief does not end with a funeral. Especially for funeral homes where they may be the only ones in town, funeral directors have deep ties to their community and are often looked at as community figures. They do not take the title lightly. They desire to serve their community, which can be shown in how they provide aftercare to families in mourning. Even when the funeral ends, a funeral director’s work with a decedent’s family doesn’t.

Funeral directors do what they do because they are community-driven individuals who want to provide a place for families in mourning to celebrate their loved one. They spend years training to be a resource and a guide for these families. When you work with a funeral director, you know that you’ll have someone handling the details of the day, allowing you to simply grieve in peace.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What to Do First When Someone Dies

Sat, 18 Mar 2023 14:19:00 GMT

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Whether your loved one’s death was expected or sudden, no loss is easy. From the moment your loved one passes, you may feel overwhelmed not only by emotion but also by everything that must be done to take care of them. What should you do right after a loved one passes? Here are your five first steps.

What to Do First When Someone Dies

1. Contact a funeral home.

If you know the funeral home that your loved one wanted to use, contact them for assistance as soon as you can. If not, check if they’ve declared any final wishes in their medical or legal documents. Your loved one may have preplanned their funeral and disposition with a funeral home, or they may have at least declared which funeral home they want to use and if they’d like to be buried or cremated.

If your loved one did not preplan, contact a local funeral home that you believe would be a good fit for your loved one’s care. You want to recruit the help of a funeral director soon after your loved one passes because they will be able to assist you through many of the first steps regarding your loved one’s after-life care.

2. Get a legal pronouncement of death.

When a loved one passes, one of the first things that you should do is get a legal pronouncement of death made by someone of authority. This person may be your loved one’s doctor or their hospice nurse. The individual will then fill out forms certifying the cause, time, and place of death. The reason why this action must be taken immediately after death is that you’ll need this legal pronouncement in order to receive a death certificate later on.

When someone is pronounced dead, they’re registered with the local or state vital records office. When you need a death certificate, you’ll have to contact those offices to get certified copies of a death certificate. Having several certified copies is essential, as you’ll need proof of your loved one’s death to handle many processes, including organizing their cremation or burial, filing a life insurance claim, and transferring their assets to a living individual. You may need 10 or more death certificates for all of the after-life processes, which means that if you do not get a legal pronouncement of death in a timely manner, you may find yourself being delayed from the next steps you need to take in caring for your loved one and their estate. A funeral director will be able to help you file the proper paperwork and ensure that you have all the documents you need.

3. Check if your loved one was an organ donor.

Organ donation is time-sensitive. Each organ that can potentially be donated only has a short window of time to be viable after death . The heart is only able to be donated for four to six hours after death, while the kidneys may be viable for up to 36 hours. It’s crucial to act quickly to make sure that your loved one’s organs can be used for life-saving procedures.

If you did not talk to your loved one about whether or not they were an organ donor, check their driver’s license. Their choice will be marked there. If they did not have a driver’s license, this decision may be indicated in their advance directive. Once you know that your loved one wanted to be an organ donor, alert the hospital staff. If your loved one passed at home, call a local hospital so that they can begin arranging transportation.

In most cases, if your loved one was not in a hospital when they died, organ donation will not be possible. Vital organs cannot survive very long once oxygen stops flowing through the body. However, tissue and eye donation may still be an option because they remain viable for several hours without oxygen. So, even if your loved one passed at home, it’s still worth calling the hospital and seeing if they can donate.

4. Begin contacting family and friends.

You should tell close family and friends that their loved one has died soon after the death occurs. Although it’s often recommended that you tell them in person, it’s likely that doing so will be exceedingly difficult, especially if those family and friends live in different places. So, most likely, you’ll be making several phone calls to break the news. There’s no easy way to say something so challenging, but it’s best to say it outright. Don’t talk about other matters before you tell them their loved one died, and don’t use euphemisms when you tell them the news. It’s best if there’s no question of what you’re trying to say to them.

Your loved one likely had many people who loved them too, which means that you may be making several phone calls. Losing a loved one may trigger feelings of shock in the days following the death, or you may immediately enter a state of grief. Either way, it’s essential that you don’t neglect taking care of yourself. Having to make so many difficult calls can be taxing, so recruit family and friends to help you make additional calls once they’ve been alerted to what’s happened. Your loved ones will understand that you need the assistance and want to support you, so don’t hesitate to ask. You should also ask someone nearby if they can help to quickly take care of your loved one’s dependents and property. If your loved one was caring for a person or a pet, arrange for their temporary care while you make a long-term plan for them. It’s also a good idea to ask someone to check on the loved one’s home to be sure it’s secured as it may sit vacant for some time.

5. Arrange your loved one’s transportation.

One of the final steps that must be done quickly after a loved one’s death is arranging their transportation. Transportation can be arranged with your loved one’s funeral home. They will take your loved one into their care and begin preparing them for their services and disposition.

Once you know your loved one is safe in the funeral home’s care, you can begin the process of planning for their funeral and final disposition. Beginning to arrange a funeral starts with contacting your funeral director and discussing your options. If your loved one preplanned their funeral, the funeral director will help you make those plans come to fruition. If not, they can guide you through arranging a funeral and disposition that’s right for your loved one.

www.smithfamilycares.com

I Have Several Loved Ones’ Urns – What Should I Do?

Sat, 11 Mar 2023 12:30:56 GMT

I have Several Loved Ones' Urns...What Should I Do?

When a loved one is cremated, there’s always a question of what to do next. Generally, their ashes will sit in an urn, but what should you do with them? Do they have to stay in the urn?

There are plenty of thoughtful things to do to memorialize your loved one. In many cases, you can visit the funeral home you’re working with to see urns and cremation jewelry in person, giving you a chance to pick from unique choices to honor your loved one. Talk to your funeral director to learn what kinds of urns and cremation jewelry options are available at the funeral home. But what should you do if you have many different urns for your loved ones? If you have many of your loved ones’ urns and aren’t sure what you can do, here are a few options.

What to Do With Loved Ones’ Urns

1. Create mini memorials.

Choose an urn that reminds you of your loved one. Maybe they were an artist, and you’d want a bright and colorful urn that always makes you think of how brightly they shined. Or perhaps they were more quiet and reserved, and you’d like an urn that makes you feel as peaceful as they did. Find a place in your house that’s not too busy and place the urns on a surface with some distance between each one. Then, surround each urn with trinkets and pictures of the loved one whose urn it is. These mini memorials are a beautiful way to cover your home with the memories of your loved ones.

2. Incorporate the urns into your decor.

Urns don’t have to stand out from the rest of your home. If you’re looking for a more subtle way to display your loved ones, many urns simply look and can even function like vases, with the ashes concealed in a bottom compartment that leaves room for flowers or candles in the top. By choosing an urn that looks more like another piece of decor, you can incorporate it into the room’s style. If the urn also functions as a vase, you could also place flowers in it, giving the room an extra pop of color.

3. Grow a memorial tree with a biodegradable urn.

Although ashes on their own aren’t particularly great for growing plants, recent years have seen a movement for more companies creating and offering biodegradable urns with tree-growing kits. Through these kits, you’ll be able to turn your loved one’s ashes into a memorial tree. These products use different methods to make ashes more friendly to plants, allowing for thriving trees to be born from the urn.

4. Turn your loved one’s ashes into a reef.

Another environmentally-conscious way of memorializing your loved one is by reef ball burial. Sadly, the world has lost 50 percent of its coral reefs since the 1950s , diminishing crucial habitats for sea creatures. Through reef ball burials, your loved one will become a part of an underwater structure that mimics the characteristics of a reef. These artificial reefs have already seen wildlife beginning to flock to them, meaning that your loved one is creating a home for many creatures that have been displaced.

5. Turn their ashes into art.

There are so many different ways that ashes can be incorporated into stunning pieces of artwork. Some artists can create portraits by mixing the ashes with paint. Others include the ashes in handblown glass works of art. And for those who enjoy using the body as a canvas, some tattoo artists can mix the ashes with ink to create a tattoo to honor your loved one.

6. Turn their ashes into jewelry or buy jewelry built to contain ashes.

Just like other works of art, there are many types of jewelry that can be used to memorialize your loved one. With some cremation jewelry, ashes are mixed with the other materials used to build it. These are highly personalized necklaces, bracelets, rings, pendants, brooches, and more, and as such, they can take some time to craft. But you can also buy pre-made jewelry that’s built with a little compartment to contain ashes.

7. Scatter the ashes.

Some people might not like the idea of keeping a loved one’s remains in an urn. Perhaps you feel that your free-spirited family member should be where they loved being most, like at sea or in the national park they used to hike through all the time. Scattering ashes can be a lovely ceremony, all about returning your loved one to the places they enjoyed most in life. There are funeral homes and boating companies that will take you and your family out on the water to spread the ashes when you’re far enough from shore. For even bigger risk-takers, there are even companies that will help you scatter the ashes while skydiving. Another popular option is spreading them in national parks, but be sure not to do it too close to a trail.

Be sure you’re adhering to state and local ordinances wherever you decide to spread the ashes. And remember, just because you’re allowed to go somewhere doesn’t mean you can scatter ashes there. Spreading ashes in a privately-owned business is not permitted without proper consent.

Whether you decide to display your urns or turn your loved ones’ ashes into stunning works of art, you’re memorializing those you loved in sentimental, beautiful ways. The only things that matter are that you’re choosing methods that honor the memory of those you lost and that the plans you opt for provide comfort to you as you think about those you loved.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Attending a Lot of Funerals

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 16:53:53 GMT

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Funerals are beautiful celebrations of life that allow us to say goodbye to people we loved. But there may come a time when attending a funeral is sadly no longer a rare occurrence. Having to attend many funerals can be overwhelming, instigating feelings of grief for many different loved ones. What can you do to help yourself when attending too many funerals becomes overpowering?

What to Do When You’re Attending Many Funerals

Recognize that you can only do so much.

A funeral can be a celebration for someone who has passed, but it’s also a chance to be there for those who remain. Especially if you were very close to the person who passed, you’d naturally want to do all you can for the people they loved. That desire comes from a good place, but when you’re attending a lot of funerals, you may quickly find yourself overextended. Wanting to help is admirable, but remember that you’re experiencing much grief right now. It’s not easy to lose so many people you love in a short amount of time. Taking care of yourself is essential too.

Consider speaking to someone.

Especially if you’ve reached an age where many of your friends are no longer with you, talking to a mental health professional is vital. You’re experiencing grief, but so many funerals can also trigger some thoughts about your own passing. While talking to your family may be helpful, a mental health professional with experience helping others overcome grief can guide you through the tough questions. Depending on how your loved ones passed, you might also want to work with a professional with particular experience, such as one who works with people whose loved ones passed from advanced age or terminal illness.

Know that it’s okay to decline.

Attending a funeral allows you to pay tribute to someone you loved. But that’s not to say that it’s the only way. When you’re going to many funerals, you may become overwhelmed. You’re grieving too, and losing so many people one after another is heartbreaking. Sometimes, a funeral is too much when you’re already emotionally exhausted. If you find it too difficult to go to another funeral, write a letter of condolence to the remaining family. You may want to explain the situation, but you don’t need to present your emotional state. It’s more important to spend the letter talking about the person you and they are missing. Talk about how much you loved them and what they meant to you. If you’re feeling up to it, you can offer support to the remaining family, but if not, it’s enough to say that you’re sorry for their loss and that their loved one will be greatly missed.

Spend more time with the ones you love.

You may find yourself thinking about your own mortality when you’re attending a lot of funerals. It’s natural to have questions and worries, especially if you’re of an age where it’s hard to know how much time is left. A big part of enjoying the time we have is spending it with those who matter to us. Especially after losing many people very quickly, you should try to remind yourself that you’re still not alone. There are people out there who love you and who you love back. You may feel lonely after losing so many loved ones, but combatting loneliness starts with recognizing that it’s never too late to forge deeper bonds in our lives.

Don’t mask your thoughts.

Losing loved ones, especially many in a short time, can trigger symptoms of anxiety, such as racing thoughts. Many people try to cover their thoughts, searching for distractions. But those distractions only mask the symptom rather than treating the root of the problem. Refusing to recognize your thoughts only makes them fester, which can worsen anxiety. Instead, spend time with your thoughts and learn how to cope with them. Find ways to address your anxious thoughts. Working through a plan with your mental health professional is a good way to combat how you’re feeling properly. Some methods of managing anxious thoughts that may help include taking time every day to write out how you’re feeling, doing deep breathing exercises, or having a daily session of either walking or sitting meditation.

For many of us, once we reach a certain age, we’ll sadly begin attending many funerals. But whether that stage in your life comes tragically early or much later on, you must take care of yourself. Grief is a sneaky emotion. Taking care of your mental health can help prevent it from becoming too overwhelming. Even still, it’s okay to miss people. You’re going to miss talking to them, seeing their smiles, hearing their voice, and all the little things that they brought to the world that made it a brighter place. Nothing takes away the pain of losing them, but working with a mental health professional and continuing to live each day in the best way possible can make the world feel a little less dark without them.

Funerals of Our Presidents

Sat, 25 Feb 2023 16:40:22 GMT

Funerals of our Presidents

A funeral offers a chance to say goodbye, but how do we say our farewells to those who forged the path of our nation? Presidential funerals have proven to be groundbreaking occasions that set the tone for how the nation grieves. Let’s take a look at how we as a country said goodbye to some of our most beloved leaders.

George Washington

Our first president passed on Dec. 14, 1799 , with the request that he not be buried for three days’ time. George Washington had a great fear of being buried alive , which was why he asked for the three days. During that time, he was held in a mahogany casket in Mount Vernon’s New Room.

On Dec. 18, his military funeral was held in Mount Vernon and became a template for future funerals honoring military officers. As Washington was a devout member of the Anglican Church and a Freemason, both Anglican and Masonic burial services were conducted in his honor. After his pastor gave the eulogy, 11 artillery pieces on shore were fired off, answering the echo of the minute guns’ crack from a schooner on the Potomac River. He was buried in a tomb in his beloved Mount Vernon.

John Adams

Our second president passed on the 50th anniversary of the passage of the Declaration of Independence. He was entombed in Quincy, Massachusetts , on July 7, 1826. Minute guns were fired from Mount Wollaston throughout the entirety of the ceremony, with several adjoining towns joining in with ways of paying homage of their own, with bells tolling throughout Massachusetts and beyond.

Thomas Jefferson

Though Thomas Jefferson and Adams fought very publicly for a time, they rekindled their friendship in their later years. Perhaps their brotherhood is why they passed on the same day . On July 4, 1826, Jefferson passed around noon after falling into a coma the previous day. It’s said that Adams fell into unconsciousness around that time before awaking again at around 5:30 P.M. to say his final words, reportedly either “Thomas Jefferson survives” or “Thomas Jefferson still lives.”

Jefferson himself had requested a simple ceremony . No invitations were sent out, though friends and visitors were welcome to go to the gravesite once he was buried. He is believed to have been buried in a simple, wooden coffin. He was laid to rest in the Monticello graveyard just one day after his death on July 5.

Abraham Lincoln

It was believed that when the 16th president was assassinated, dying on April 15, 1865, the American citizens were not yet ready to say goodbye. So, they were given a chance to . Although Mary Lincoln wanted her husband to take a direct route to where he’d be laid to rest in Springfield, Missouri, Lincoln’s secretary of war, Edwin Stanton, convinced her to approve a path that saw him retrace the steps he took from Springfield to the nation’s capital four years earlier. The president was embalmed, a relatively new process at the time, to allow citizens to say goodbye to him in the form they remembered him in.

At each stop on the railroad journey, thousands came out to see Lincoln. In fact, the trip was largely considered a unifying force for the Democrats and Republicans in the North during such a divisive time. Alongside Lincoln on his journey was the body of his 11-year-old son, Willie, who died of typhoid three years earlier. When the funeral procession ended at Oak Ridge Cemetery in Springfield and following an hour-long eulogy, both father and son were laid to rest in a limestone vault, with the doors and iron grating then shuttered.

Theodore Roosevelt

At the time of Theodore Roosevelt’s death , the then-vice president, Thomas Marshall, said, “Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight.” The 26th president, known for his strength, died on Jan. 6, 1919, in his sleep after suffering a coronary embolism, though his health had been declining for some time.

Not one for grandiose affairs, a private farewell service was held at his home, Sagamore Hill, in Oyster Bay, New York. A modest funeral was then held at Christ Episcopal Church in Oyster Bay before Roosevelt was buried on a hillside on Jan. 8 in Youngs Memorial Cemetery, overlooking the town. A bugler blew Taps as family members and dignitaries walked up the snow-covered hill to the burial site. When the ceremony ended, only one person stayed behind — former President William Howard Taft, who stood by his sometimes political ally, sometimes foe’s grave weeping long after everyone else had left.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

FDR’s health had long been declining, a secret hidden from the public, but by the time he entered his fourth term, that secret became harder to keep. FDR was getting frailer with every photograph, and he eventually passed on April 12, 1945, in Warm Springs, Georgia . The Ferdinand Magellan train brought him back to Washington on April 14, where he was then carried on a caisson from Union Station to the White House. Over 500,000 people gathered silently to watch the procession before hundreds of mourners were invited to pay their respects and see the president a final time in the White House’s East Room.

Recognizing that the nation was at war and that many citizens were overseas, FDR requested a simple funeral with few formalities. Following the service, he was returned back to Union Station, where he’d begin an overnight journey to Hyde Park, New York. He was then brought to the edge of a meadow below his home, where a battalion of cadets awaited him. U.S. Army Air Force P-47s flew overhead, and once he was lowered into the ground, an honor guard of cadets fired over the grave.

The funerals of presidents signal a time of a nation in mourning. Much has changed over the years from the days of Washington’s burial, and one could argue that Lincoln’s funeral truly set that tone. It became normalized for the public to be allowed a chance to say goodbye as well, whether that be through a funeral procession or a viewing. Presidential funerals are as much a chance for us all to say farewell to a fallen leader as it is for us to come together as a nation.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Is Go Fund Me the Best Way to Pay for a Funeral?

Sat, 18 Feb 2023 16:41:03 GMT

Is Go Fund Me the Best Way to Pay for a Funeral

Funerals are a way for people to celebrate the lives of their loved ones, but these celebrations often have a price tag that can be very high for the average family. A funeral with a viewing and a burial can cost upwards of $7,000 . And when you consider that many families are also attempting to pay off additional expenses, like medical costs, after their loved one passes, they can quickly struggle under the weight of their financial burden. It’s no wonder why so many families turn to GoFundMe to ask for help covering all the costs, but is there a better way to pay for a funeral?

Should you use GoFundMe to pay for a funeral?

When GoFundMe launched in 2010, it changed how everything from novel inventions to wedding ceremonies were funded. It’s likely that at some point in your life, someone you know has used GoFundMe, and maybe you’ve donated through it yourself. GoFundMe has also changed the way that we pay for funeral expenses.

In most cases, a decedent's family will pay for the funeral and disposition of their loved one. With GoFundMe, more of the burden is relieved from the immediate family. Suddenly, people you didn’t even know your loved one knew are donating through GoFundMe. Students of a teacher they haven’t seen in years want to donate. Coworkers from companies your loved one hasn’t worked at in decades decide to contribute. Neighbors, friends, and even friends of friends want to help in any way that they can. GoFundMe can be a wonderful resource that just goes to show how many lives your loved one has touched throughout their life. But although GoFundMe has proven to be a valuable resource for many families attempting to pay for funerals on their own, the best way to pay for a funeral is to pay into the costs before they happen.

Is there a better way to pay for a funeral?

Although it can be unpleasant to think about a time when you’ll no longer be around, planning for your funeral is a gift to your loved ones. And that includes planning for the expenses that come with a funeral and disposition. Although many people believe that having life insurance is enough, life insurance often doesn’t end up covering the total cost of a funeral, which can lead to your family paying out of pocket for funeral expenses later on. But there are other ways to pay toward your funeral.

One option is to talk to your chosen funeral home about planning and paying for your funeral in advance. When you preplan your funeral, you can decide to pay for your plans in advance. You’ll work with the funeral home to make your arrangements, including what services you want to hold, whether you’d like to be buried or cremated, and what type of casket or urn you’d like. After you decide on all these details, you’ll be able to pay for them through the funeral home.

Funeral homes typically offer a variety of payment plans, including the option to pay for your funeral and disposition in full. By making these payments in advance, you’re saving your family from financial strain later on. When you pay in full, you’re guaranteeing that the funeral you plan is the one that your family will be able to hold for you. There will be no need for a GoFundMe after you pass because you already funded your funeral yourself.

GoFundMe has undoubtedly changed how we fund funerals, but the best way to pay for a funeral is always by planning ahead. As you plan your funeral, talk to your funeral director about your options for prepaying for your funeral and disposition. By paying for your funeral ahead of time, you’ll save your family from surprise expenses down the road. If you’re covering the cost of your funeral now, your family won’t need GoFundMe later.

If you’re looking to cover the costs of a funeral for a loved one who did not preplan or prepay, your funeral home may be able to help. Some funeral homes offer a crowdfunding service that functions similarly to GoFundMe. Before making a GoFundMe account, talk to your funeral home about what kinds of crowdfunding services they offer.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Moving on (Too) Quickly for Others

Sat, 11 Feb 2023 17:52:14 GMT

Moving on (Too) Quickly for Others

What does grief look like? You might be thinking now about the five stages : anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But what happens when someone goes out of order, skips a step, or doesn’t go through them at all? Although you may think it’s a sign that something is wrong, the truth is that we all experience grief in different ways. And someone may move through grief faster than someone else.

First things first, forget what you know about grief.

In 1969, in her book On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the Kübler-Ross mode l, which became known as the five stages of grief. And although we typically associate this model with describing how we grieve someone’s death, that’s not actually what it was made for. It’s meant to give structure to how someone comes to terms with being diagnosed with a terminal illness. The five stages of grief were never about grieving a loved one’s death.

However, other studies have tried to apply the model to grieving a loved one, only to find that it doesn’t really work the way that people believe it does. A 1981 study that looked at individuals who had been widowed for various lengths of time found that the pain and stress of widowhood persisted for years, with no subjects falling into particular stages at certain times, as the five stages of grief suggested they would. A 2002 study took a look at people before and after their spouses’ deaths and found that only 11 percent followed the Kübler-Ross model’s trajectory.

So, if the five stages of grief aren’t scientifically accurate, why do we hold onto this idea that there’s a “right” way to grieve? When a daughter loses a father, is she wrong to go back to work the same week? When a husband loses a wife, is he wrong to be on a dating app by the end of the year? Perhaps yes and perhaps no. But these feelings are personal. And although you may imagine that you’d grieve in a certain way if you lost someone close to you, you cannot know what their grief is like.

What should you do if someone you love is moving on “too” quickly?

One thing that should be considered before you try to intervene when you think someone is moving on very quickly is whether or not they are really moving on at all. In the case of a daughter going back to work, she might not be trying to move on. She might simply be looking for a distraction because being at home is too painful. In which case, be kind and don’t remind her of her loss. Be a friend, let her talk to you about her loss if she wants to, and otherwise be someone she can turn to when she needs to take her mind off grief or funeral planning. Although she may look like she’s moving on quickly on the outside, she might still be grieving, just in a different way from your personal grieving process.

But what about a husband who is looking to remarry soon after losing his spouse? Men are significantly more likely to begin dating after being widowed, and they’re more likely to do it sooner as well. After 25 months following the loss of a spouse, 61 percent of men are in a new relationship, compared to just 19 percent of women. So, do most men then move on too quickly? Regardless of gender, people who remarry after their spouse’s death report lower levels of depression and greater life satisfaction and well-being than those who don’t. But because men are more likely to have fewer friends than women, husbands often rely on their wives as their primary source of emotional and social support. When a wife dies, a husband may suddenly feel cut off from those crucial outlets, which propels him into the dating world sooner than a woman who lost her husband.

Should you intervene if someone you love is looking for love after losing their spouse? If you’re very close, you may consider voicing your concerns, but keep in mind what they gain in their life by remarrying. The thing about moving on is that it’s taking steps to keep living. It doesn’t mean that there’s no grief remaining. A person who loses a spouse needs to learn to live without them, but they still will miss their presence. And if that person remarries, it doesn’t mean that they’re replacing their spouses, nor are they trying to forget their spouse and all the memories they made together. They’re just searching for more fulfillment in their lives, and for many people, that includes learning to love again.

Ultimately, only one person can decide if they’re ready to move on, and that’s the person who lost their loved one. If you think you’re ready to move on in terms of dating again, it’s important to ask yourself if you feel prepared for this new change. Can you let someone else into your life? Can you love your new partner the way they deserve to be loved? If you know wholeheartedly that you can, you’re ready. But no one else can answer those questions but you. And if you’re seeing someone you love move on in a way that you don’t think you could or would, remember that you’re not the one who experienced their grief. Only they know what their grief is like and whether they’re ready to move on. All you can do is be there for them as they try to make this new transition in their life.

www.smithfamilycares.com

How To Drive in a Funeral Procession

Sat, 04 Feb 2023 13:37:33 GMT

How to Drive in a Funeral Procession

When traveling from the funeral home to the burial site, close family and friends often journey in a funeral procession. While that can mean that they’re in limousines for the duration of their trip, sometimes they drive themselves, as well as others who were close to the decedent. But driving in a funeral procession isn’t like going to work. Some guidelines should be followed to ensure that everyone arrives at the burial site safely and on time. Here are a few things you should know before attempting to drive in a funeral procession.

Tips on How to Drive in a Funeral Procession

1. Always check with the funeral director regarding your route.

If you’re not in the lead car, there’s less pressure on you to know the route before starting the procession. But it’s still a good idea to have an idea of where you’re going and how to get there before the day of the funeral. Always check with the funeral director ahead of the funeral to ask about the route. If you have time, try driving the route yourself so you’re used to it by the time the funeral arrives. Funerals can be a stressful time, and not knowing where you’re going can only add to that stress. Although other drivers on the road are supposed to give you the right of way and never cut a funeral procession off, sometimes mistakes happen. In case you get separated from the lead car, you should feel confident that you can still follow the route yourself.

2. Arrive at the funeral early.

When you arrive early to the funeral, you’ll have time to get essential instructions from the funeral director, such as the order of the vehicles, who may be riding with you, and any changes that may have been made. It also gives you time to ensure that your car is ready for the drive. Funeral attendants will usually be available in the parking lot to tell you where to park your vehicle so it’s in the right place in the procession.

3. Be sure your car is properly marked as a part of a funeral procession.

If you’re driving in a funeral procession, the other drivers on the road must be made aware. All cars in a procession should have their headlights on, and there may also be a flag you’ll need to put on your hood. If you’re in the last car, you may have to put on two or more flags, and you should have your hazards on. Always check with the funeral director to ensure your car is prepared for the procession.

4. Be familiar with funeral procession laws in your state and county.

When in doubt, check with the funeral director about any special actions you can take in a funeral procession . In most states, once the lead car goes through an intersection, all vehicles in the procession can follow, even if the light has already changed to red. However, in other states, the whole procession can go through an intersection as long as their police escort directs them through it. If you’re not sure what the rules are for driving in a funeral procession, especially in regards to what to do at an intersection, your funeral director, who has years of practice navigating these laws, should be able to tell you. And remember, you still must yield for emergency vehicles.

5. Follow the lead car from a close but safe distance.

To avoid potentially being split up, you should follow closely behind the car in front of you. Do not allow room for another vehicle to merge between you and the car ahead of you. However, be sure that there’s enough distance between each vehicle for braking in case there’s a sudden stop. Generally, you’ll be driving fairly slowly. Funeral processions usually travel below the speed limit. You’ll likely be going between 25 and 35 mph on side roads, and on highways, you can expect to stay under 50 mph. When traveling through an intersection, the lead car will have to slow down, so be prepared to brake when approaching that intersection.

6. Do not break from the procession.

Unless there is an emergency in your vehicle, do not leave the funeral procession. It’s crucial that a funeral procession stays together, so no detours or allowing another car to merge in front of you. Once you arrive at the cemetery, an attendant will direct you to where to park your vehicle and lead the procession to the gravesite.

Driving in a funeral procession can be difficult. You’re already feeling grief from losing a loved one, and that grief can make this trip feel much more stressful. So it’s best to be prepared for your route and follow all instructions from your funeral director. They’ve directed many processions before, and they’re prepared to ensure that yours goes smoothly and safely.

www.smithfamilycares.com

3 Things You Need to Know About Veterans Cemeteries

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 30 Dec 2022 05:00:06 GMT

3 Things You Need to Know About Veterans Cemeteries

There’s lot of information out there about veterans cemeteries: what they’re for, who is allowed to be buried in them, what is allowed to take place in them, etc. Often, this information conflicts or is purely anecdotal, so how can you know what’s true? Much of it depends on the circumstances, but we’ll share a few things you can know for sure. Our three tips don’t encompass every question you may have about veterans burial benefits, but they do provide the solid facts around state and national veterans cemeteries.

1. State vs. National Veterans Cemeteries

National cemeteries are operated by the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, while state cemeteries, though sometimes established or improved through national government funds, are operated by the local state government. There are 155 national cemeteries in 42 states, so your state may not have a dedicated national cemetery. Some national cemeteries are limited to cremation only. Most states do have a state veterans cemetery, though they may not always be open.

Another primary difference between the two types of veterans cemeteries are the requirements for eligibility. All national veterans cemeteries have the same criteria, while state cemeteries may each have their own unique requirements. At least one of the following requirements must be true for a veteran to be buried in a VA national cemetery:

• Service member must not have received a dishonorable discharge

• Service member died while on active duty, active duty for training, or inactive duty for training

• Individual is a spouse or minor child of a service member

• Individual is an unmarried adult dependent child of a service member (in some cases)

Any individuals who fall outside of these requirements may not be eligible but can still apply for their case to be reviewed.

2. You Can Plan in Advance to be Buried in a Veterans Cemetery

If you are a veteran and you know you would like to be buried in a veterans cemetery, you can make arrangements for this in advance. Most funeral homes allow you to plan the details of your funeral and even pay for it in advance, keeping the details of your wishes on file so that you can rest assured your family won’t need to make those difficult choices for you when the time comes. Many of the funeral homes who offer this service will also be willing to contact the state or national cemetery you wish to be buried in on your behalf to reserve a spot for you.

3. Headstones are Provided in State and National Cemeteries

If you or a loved one are approved to be buried in a national or state cemetery, a free headstone or marker can be ordered in a number of styles, though the chosen style must be permitted by the officials in charge of the cemetery. Spouses and dependent children may also receive government-furnished markers and headstones at no cost to the family.

In a national cemetery, the setting of a marker or headstone by cemetery staff will also be provided free of charge. Some state cemeteries may charge a small fee for the headstone or marker to be set. All headstones and markers are inscribed with “IN MEMORY OF” as their first line, and the family may provide the details of the rest of the inscription.

How to tell your spouse you pre-planned your funeral

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 23 Dec 2022 05:00:01 GMT

How to tell your spouse you pre-planned your funeral

In a perfect world we think a husband and wife will arrive at the decision to get their affairs in order and complete funeral plans in unison. But, with a little additional thought we can see that is a tall order. It isn’t unusual for one or the other of spouses to be ready to make plans for end of life before the other one is ready.

The reality is that even long-married couples have lived different lives. They have had different careers, some friends in common and some not, they have enjoyed different leisure activities and sometimes even have a different faith than their spouse. Sometimes one partner in a marriage feels compelled to prepare for end of life before the other is comfortable with the idea. It’s ok to plan for one. But how do you tell your husband or wife that you have put a plan in place for your final wishes?

First, choose the right time to break the news. Make sure you will not be rushed, that you will have enough time to explain what you did, and why you did it. Pick a time when you are both feeling calm. Be sure you are well-prepared. Most importantly take the time to choose your words carefully.

Second, put a frame around your news. Begin by sharing your “why.” Why was it important to you to have a funeral plan in place?

“Because I don’t want to leave a burden for either you or our children.”

“Because it is important to me that certain things happen.”

“Because I love you and the kids, and I want you to be able to work together toward a common goal.”

Whatever your reason, take the time before you begin the discussion to work through the reason you needed to take this step. Prepare your words. Be clear and concise. Let the love show.

Next, explain what you planned. Share what you included in your plan. Burial or cremation, service with or without the body present, faith-based components, the service selections you made. Explain the details. Did you pre-pay for your funeral? Where will the paperwork about your plan be kept? Who will be called when death occurs?

Don’t forget to explain how completing your plan made you feel. “I feel relieved. I feel so happy to have this done. Completing my plan was much easier than I expected.” Share how you feel.

Finally, invite questions. Be calm and patient. Give your spouse time to catch up. Explain what choices you made and why you made them. If your spouse is open to it, schedule a time with the funeral director or pre-arrangement specialist who helped you put your plan together. Give your spouse the opportunity to ask him or her questions about the plan you completed.

Why Do People Pull Over for Funeral Processions?

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 16:03:39 GMT

Why Do People Pull Over for Funeral Processions?

When you see a funeral procession, what should you do as another driver on the road? Since funeral processions have gone from an on-foot endeavor to a parade of motorized vehicles, other drivers have adopted the tradition of pulling over and letting the procession pass unimpeded. But more recently, we’ve been seeing this practice become a thing of the past. So, why do people pull over for funeral processions? And do you actually have to pull over?

Do you have to pull over for funeral processions?

Legally, no law requires other drivers to pull all the way over for a funeral procession in the United States. But there’s some trickiness around what you should do when approaching a funeral procession. There are laws around funeral processions in most states , but these laws vary, which can cause drivers some trouble. Many states have laws that give the funeral procession the right of way. So, while a driver may not have to fully pull over, they do have to yield to the procession, and they mustn’t attempt to drive through it and break it up.

Most other laws around funeral processions don’t have to do with other drivers on the road. They have to do with the people driving in the procession. To avoid breaking up these vehicles, some states allow drivers to go through a red light or a stop sign if the lead car in the group has already gone through it. Other states allow a funeral procession to go through a traffic signal altogether, as long as a police escort vehicle is there to direct them.

Why should you pull over for a funeral procession?

Although you may not have to pull over for a funeral procession due to any laws, that doesn’t mean that it’s not your best option when you approach one. Unfortunately, crashes do happen when other drivers on the road are unaware of what a funeral procession is allowed to do or what they are not allowed to do around funeral processions. Some funeral directors say that drivers used to be more aware of funeral processions, but the tradition of pulling over for one has gone by the wayside.

As such, we’ve seen a rise in funeral procession-related accidents, with these crashes often occurring because another car attempted to enter the line of mourners’ vehicles or tried to pass them. And because every state has different laws about how funeral processions can enter intersections, these areas are also a common sight of accidents.

When you don’t pull over for a funeral procession, you’re running the risk of causing a crash, which can turn an already difficult day into a nightmare for the mourners in those vehicles. By pulling over, you’re removing the potential for harm, allowing them to continue their day of celebrating their loved one without a crash making it worse. It’s safer for you and any other driver on the road, including those in the procession, if you pull over. But it’s also simply an act of respect to pull over when you see a funeral procession.

When you see a funeral procession, you don’t know who passed, but you do know that someone did. And you know that the people in those vehicles are grieving the life of someone who mattered to them. By allowing them to pass without you interfering at all, you’re essentially acknowledging their grief. Like how you’d take off a hat and hold it to your chest as a sign of respect during any burial, you’re showing respect by pulling over to the side and letting a funeral procession pass unhindered.

Pulling over for a funeral procession was once viewed as an essential tradition, but that practice has become less common, to the detriment of mourners and other drivers on the road. When we pull over, we’re removing ourselves from a potentially hazardous situation, but we’re also showing respect to a group of people who may be having one of the most challenging days of their lives. Driving in a funeral procession can be stressful, but we can make it easier for them by pulling over and letting them pass us all together.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Preparing for a Funeral: Clothing and Accessories

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 16:01:05 GMT

Preparing for a Funeral: Clothing and Accessories

When you plan a funeral, what kinds of clothes and accessories should you give to your funeral director to dress your loved one? Although you might have a picture of what someone is supposed to look like at their funeral, any person’s funeral is specific to them. As such, there’s no specific rule that states what kind of clothes someone has to be in at their own funeral. But there are a few guidelines to consider.

What kinds of clothes should you dress your loved one in?

Historically, a traditional funeral was considered a semi-formal affair, and as such, many people opted to dress their loved ones in semi-formal attire. This often means dresses and suits. However, this practice has greatly changed over the years. More people have moved away from semi-formal attire to more casual clothing. Many families take clothing out of their loved one’s closets for the funeral and burial. By picking clothing this way, you’re able to dress your loved one in a way that makes them look more like themselves. Picking out a beloved dress that your mother used to wear or a suit that your father wore to every event allows funeral-goers to see the decedent look just like how they remember them.

That said, because it’s a comfort to see a loved one dressed like how they would dress at their funeral, if you just can’t imagine them wearing a suit or dress, there’s no rule that says they can’t wear something different. If your loved one simply never took off their favorite pairs of jeans, it’s okay to dress them more informally so they look like themselves.

Certain circumstances may require particular outfits. Although not all veterans are buried in uniform, if your loved one still has their uniform, you may want to consider dressing them in it. Especially if they were still active in their community, such as by being members of the American Legion or the Veterans of Foreign Wars, a uniform can be a fitting way to honor their years of service and dedication.

Are there any rules about how to dress a loved one?

If your loved one practiced a specific religion, you should be sure that they’re buried in clothing that’s traditional for their faith. For instance, Muslims are typically wrapped in a simple, plain cloth known as a kafan. Similarly, those who practice Judaism are covered by a burial shroud called a tachrichim. Especially if you do not follow the same religion as the loved one you’re planning a funeral for, you should talk to a religious leader who can help explain the traditional funeral customs. It can also be helpful to talk to your loved one before they pass to ask them what religious traditions they would like to uphold in their funeral.

Although you may imagine that a funeral must look a certain way, there really aren’t set rules for funeral attire. It’s all about planning a funeral that honors your loved one’s memory. If your loved one had a vibrant personality and you want the ceremony to be as bright as they were, dress your loved one in the kind of colorful attire that they would have loved. You can even encourage your guests to dress in their brightest outfits. Black clothing is a popular choice for mourning, but there’s no rule that says funeral-goers must wear black.

However, there are rules for green burials. In green burials, the idea is to create the lowest carbon footprint possible. To accomplish that, the casket should be biodegradable, and so should the clothing your loved one is buried in. That means any garments should be made from untreated, natural fibers, like cotton or wool. However, that doesn’t mean that any wool suit would work. Synthetic features, like metal zippers or plastic buttons, also make clothing unfit for a green burial. If you can’t find any clothes that will work, you can opt for an organic burial shroud instead.

What kinds of accessories should you bury a loved one with?

What kinds of accessories you bury with your loved one is up to you, as long as they are small enough to fit in the casket without adding too much weight. Jewelry is a common topic of debate when it comes to burials. You can bury your loved one with their most precious jewelry, like a wedding ring, but you may decide to hold on to it for sentimental reasons.

That piece of jewelry can still be present for the funeral, however. When you provide your funeral director with the clothing you wish for your loved one to be dressed in for their funeral, be sure to give them the jewelry you would like for them to wear as well. But if you want that jewelry back, make it clear to the funeral director that you do not want them to be buried with those accessories. It’s crucial that you communicate this clearly with the funeral director, or else they will assume that you were providing the jewelry to be part of the burial outfit.

Ultimately, although dresses and suits have been the expected attire for a decedent at a funeral, these ceremonies are meant to celebrate a life lived. And if that life was simply never lived in a suit, there’s nothing wrong with choosing clothing that suits who your loved one really was. When it comes to accessories, you may also want to bury your loved one with jewelry that was important to them in life, but you may decide to keep these items, perhaps because they’re family heirlooms. Just be sure to make it clear to your funeral director that, although these items are to be present at the funeral, they should not be buried with your loved one.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Can My Spouse Change My Funeral Plan When I Die?

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 15:56:13 GMT

Can My Spouse Change My Funeral Plan When I Die?

Planning your own funeral in advance can be accomplished using any one of several different methods. You can simply express your expectations to your family members. You can work with a funeral professional, explore the many options available, and create a written plan that will be retained by your funeral provider. This plan will be reviewed with the responsible parties in your family at the time of your death. This is usually referred to as “having your wishes on file.” The third option goes a step further; the funeral is funded. This entails a contractual agreement with the funeral home to provide the services and products you selected at the time of death. Each of these different scenarios generates a slightly different answer to the question at hand, “Can my spouse change my funeral plan when I die?”

In the first instance, where a person tells a family member what they hope will happen when they die, the responsible person may or may not carry out one’s wishes. So in this case, yes, a person’s spouse will make the arrangements and they will be responsible for the cost and most certainly can do as they choose. Although most families are loving and want to fulfill their family member’s wishes, this is not always the case. The most frequently occurring challenge in these cases is not disregard of the deceased’s wishes but confusion regarding what the wishes actually were.

Having “wishes on file” at the funeral home helps in that there will be a written plan; therefore, the opportunity for confusion is diminished. In this case, since there has been no exchange of consideration or money, the document is not a contract. So, here again a spouse can make changes as they see fit. Remember, in most families this is not a problem and arrangements move forward in harmony.

When a funeral is arranged and funded in advance, agreements are written and consideration has been exchanged so there is a binding contract. Still, a person’s spouse is the “owner” of the body in nearly every state by law and so, could make changes to the plan as they desire. This is rarely of concern. A loving spouse is most often grateful for the plan, aware of the decisions that were made, and pleased to carry out the plan. That said there are exceptions.

If a person making a funeral plan is concerned their plan will be altered by a spouse or family member in a way they do not want, there are remedies. Nearly every state has documents that can be completed and included in the funded plan that stipulate no one can alter the plan.

More than half of all funerals are arranged in advance. The practice of advance planning alleviates the burden of family members having to guess or remember what their loved one wanted in a funeral service. It is a much-appreciated gift.

www.smithfamilycares.com

The Cremation Authorization Form: What Is It?

Tue, 20 Dec 2022 15:53:38 GMT

The Cremation Authorization Form: What Is It?

Each year in the U.S., the cremation rate continues to climb. So when your loved one passes away, you may be responsible for ensuring that they are cremated if those were their final wishes. But you have to take certain steps before the cremation can happen. One of the first things you must do is obtain, fill out, and file a Cremation Authorization Form. Alongside a death certificate, this is one of the most crucial documents you’ll need to ensure that your loved one will be cremated. But what exactly is this vital form?

What is a Cremation Authorization Form?

A Cremation Authorization Form is an essential form that allows your loved one to be cremated. You can obtain the form through your funeral home, and it then must be signed by the legal next of kin. In many cases, that means that a surviving spouse has to sign it. But if a spouse cannot sign, all of the decedent’s children must sign. If the decedent does not have a spouse or any children, then the remaining parents can fill out the form, followed by siblings. But ultimately, the form will need to be signed by an adult next of kin who is a blood relative, whoever that may be for the decedent. However, the decedent may have appointed a legal representative to handle the disposition, and their right supersedes any blood relatives. In some states, the person who signs the Cremation Authorization Form is the authorizing agent.

Cremation cannot occur without this form being filed, but a funeral home will work with you to ensure that the document gets into the right hands to begin the cremation process. To fill out the Cremation Authorization Form, you’ll need to know:

● Your loved one’s legal name

● Their date, time, and location of death

● What type of container, such as an urn, you’d like your loved one to be placed in

You’ll also need to fill out your loved one’s final disposition method, but keep in mind that means the final disposition for the crematory. You’ll most likely want to fill out that the cremated remains should be returned to you, the legal next of kin, for you to decide what to do with later, whether that means scattering the ashes, having an urn burial, placing the urn in a columbarium, or something different.

In some states, an individual can fill out a Cremation Authorization Form for their own cremation. While they are pre-planning their funeral, they can sign the document themselves. Because it can be tricky to ensure that the proper next of kin signs the Cremation Authorization Form, particularly if several people need to sign it and if they live in different places, you may find that the easiest option is to sign your own form before you pass away.

What happens after you submit a Cremation Authorization Form?

Once the Cremation Authorization Form is signed, the funeral home will also have to obtain a death certificate. The permit allows the funeral home or the crematory the funeral home is working with to go ahead and cremate your loved one. However, most states have a mandatory waiting period between death and cremation. Your loved one will remain in the funeral home’s care until that waiting period is up. If there’s a public health concern, though, that waiting period may be able to be bypassed.

Once you have all the proper paperwork, the next step depends on you. Some people prefer to have a funeral with their loved one present, so you may want to hold a funeral service before your loved one is cremated. However, others would rather have the ceremony once cremation is completed, with their urn there instead. That decision is up to you. Make the plans you would prefer with your funeral home, and the staff will ensure that the cremation occurs when it needs to. Once the cremation is scheduled and the day arrives, your loved one will be transported to the crematory. Some funeral homes have a crematory onsite, while others work with ones at another location. Your funeral home will ensure that your loved one is where they need to be when the cremation occurs.

Due to the process of filing these documents and waiting for the permit, arranging and carrying out cremation can take between four and 15 days. However, the actual cremation itself takes between one and three hours, with processing the remains taking up an additional two hours. Once the remains have been processed, they will be returned to you if that was your wish, and you will be able to act upon your loved one’s final disposition when you’re ready. Otherwise, the crematory or funeral home will fulfill the final disposition you indicated on the Cremation Authorization Form.

If you find filling out the Cremation Authorization Form and starting the cremation process daunting, remember that your funeral director has helped many cremations occur. They’re honored to assist you in any way they can, so be sure to ask questions if the form causes some confusion. They’ll have the answers you need to make the cremation process less stressful.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Should I attend the Visitation or the Funeral?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 16 Dec 2022 05:12:06 GMT

Should I attend the Visitation or the Funeral?

Close family and friends of the person who died will likely attend the visitation and funeral service. Others may attend both or may need to or prefer to attend one or the other but not both.

Visitation may take place the day before the funeral, the evening before or even just hours before the funeral service. Most often the visitation has less structure than a funeral service. What happens at a visitation is based on local tradition, religion and the preference of the family.

Often the body will be present for viewing. Visitors who find it helpful to see the body will approach the casket respectfully and take a moment to pray or say good-bye in their own way. Those who are not comfortable with this opportunity need not participate. If you are not comfortable with seeing a body don’t allow that to keep you from attending the visitation and offering comfort to the mourners.

When attending a visitation, friends and family will come and go during the prescribed calling hours as they choose. Attendees include people who knew or admired the deceased and people who did not know the person who died but who know one or more of the mourners. They come to offer condolences or to share fond memories and stories of the person who died.

When you are one of those who knew the deceased but did not know the family do not underestimate the power of your story. Introduce yourself, share how you knew their family member, use his name and share what you enjoyed, admired, or did with the person they loved and lost.

The funeral, on the other hand, is a more structured event. It will have a beginning middle and end. Attendees are expected to remain for the entire program. Funerals may be faith based or a celebration of life. They will usually include a eulogy and often pictures, music, or readings are included.

Attending either a funeral or visitation shows respect for human life and affection for those who have lost someone they love.

Why Preplanning is a Good Thing for Parents

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 09 Dec 2022 05:15:00 GMT

Why Preplanning is a Good Thing for Parents

No one likes to imagine a time when they’re not around to help their children anymore. A parent’s job is never done, regardless of how old their children are. But there may be a time when a parent is no longer there physically for their children. However, there’s one final gift that any parent can give to their child. Preplanning your funeral as a parent can save your child from added pain and stress during an already challenging time.

Why Should Parents Preplan?

If you have several children, you’ll spare them from future spats.

When a parent passes away, it usually falls to the children to plan their funeral and disposition. But what happens when there are several children making decisions? Unfortunately, if they don’t know their parent’s wishes, those children will often butt heads because they all have different ideas that they want to follow. Everyone only gets one funeral and one disposition, so it’s crucial that they properly honor the loved one who passed. But each child may have a different image of what honoring their parent looks like.

By preplanning your funeral, your children will know what your wishes are. There won’t be any competing ideas that can result in arguments. There will be one set of instructions to follow — yours. During a time of great grief, emotions can run high, which can make even the smallest of arguments quickly compound. With your preplanning instructions, they can grieve together in peace instead of fighting while they should be spending time comforting and supporting one another.

If you have one child, you’ll spare them from becoming overwhelmed.

If you do have multiple children, you can take comfort in knowing that they’ll be going through the funeral planning process together. And while that can lead to fights, it can also lead to them feeling less alone during a lonely time, especially if you preplan to make arguments less likely. However, if you only have one child, they’ll be the only one making the decisions around your funeral. They may feel like they have no one to talk to, causing them to wonder if they’re making the right choices with no one else supplying their thoughts. The funeral planning process can feel overwhelming. There are many decisions to be made, from what types of services to have to where your final resting place should be. Losing a parent can trigger feelings of loneliness and isolation, in addition to powerful grief. But if your child has to plan every detail of your funeral and disposition while they’re already emotionally taxed, they may neglect taking care of themselves in favor of taking care of the funeral.

It’s hard to be an only child who lost their parent. There are no siblings there to comfort one another. Your child may find themselves feeling more alone than they’ve ever felt. By preplanning your funeral, you take the stress of worrying about the funeral off of them. You’re giving them a gift, saying that they can take care of themselves during this difficult time, rather than thinking about every detail of the funeral.

You’ll know that you’ve done your best to guide your children through the funeral process.

Parents never stop teaching. Whether your child is three or 43, you want to be a source of knowledge and guidance for them. Parents wish that they had all the answers in the world for their children, but one answer that they can give is what they want at their funeral and as a final resting place. Still, because talking about funerals and disposition can be uncomfortable, many parents neglect to have this essential conversation with their children.

When you preplan a funeral, you’re going one step further than simply talking about what you want. You’re giving your children a blueprint. Your children will know that they are hosting the funeral that you wanted, giving them peace of mind. They can mourn without any concerns about whether or not they’ve done right by your wishes. They’ll have your wishes written out for their guidance.

You can opt to prefund, saving your children from future financial woes.

Although you can preplan without prefunding your funeral, choosing prefund can spare your children from worrying about whether or not they can afford the funeral you deserve. Many believe that life insurance will cover the cost of a funeral and disposition, but the funds that your family receives through life insurance are often used to cover other end-of-life care, like medical expenses. At the time of a funeral, services must be paid in full. Without prefunding, your children may end up struggling to cover the costs.

When you preplan your funeral, talk to your funeral director about your option for prefunding. They can walk you through the different plans that can help you cover your funeral and disposition in full, preventing your children from having to worry about if their finances line up with the funeral you’ve planned. There are many different options for paying toward your funeral, so working with a funeral director can ensure that you’re using a plan that works best for you and your family.

The best way to preplan, whether you intend to prefund or not, is by working with a funeral home. Planning with a funeral home takes more of the guesswork out of arranging your funeral. Your children will know exactly where your plans can be found, and they’ll be able to work with a funeral director who understands your wishes. Preplanning your funeral with a funeral home is a free process that anyone can do. It’s the best way to ensure that your final wishes are honored.

Preplanning your funeral as a parent is giving a final gift to your children. Losing a parent is something that many people will experience in life, but the loss is always difficult. You can make this challenging time easier for your children by allowing them to grieve in peace without the worry of funeral planning.

Organ Donation: What is the Process?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 02 Dec 2022 05:15:00 GMT

Organ Donation: What is the Process?

We know that organ donation has the power to give new life to people in need, but just how does it work? The process starts when you sign up, but the actual donation portion happens after you die — and it has to happen fast. So, what does organ donation look like?

How do you register to become an organ donor?

The process to sign up to become an organ donor is pretty simple and can be done in one of two ways. You could go to your DMV and sign up there. Many people opt to register whenever they get their license renewed. But although you get your license renewed every two to 12 years, depending on your state’s law, you only need to register to be an organ donor once.

Another way to sign up is by going through your your state’s registry , which you can find at OrganDonor.gov. The website will take you through the process required by your state. Fill out the form there, and you’ll be registered as a donor.

What happens after you register?

While you’re living, nothing happens after you sign up to become an organ donor. Your next license will indicate if you’re a donor, and you’ll be a part of the potential donor bank in the U.S. But the keyword is potential.

After you die, doctors will determine if your organs are viable for donation. Every nine minutes, someone is added to the transplant waiting list , which currently already holds over 106,000 people. So your organs may save the life of someone on that list. However, certain medical conditions, including HIV, actively-spreading cancer, or a severe infection, could prevent your organs from being viable for donation.

Even if you do have a serious condition, you may still end up being an organ donor. After examining your body, doctors may determine that certain parts can be transplanted, even if other organs cannot be used. Registering to be an organ donor is always a good idea as you’re increasing the pool of potential donors for those in need. Let medical professionals determine later if you’re a good fit, rather than writing off organ donation because of an illness.

What happens if you become an organ donor?

How and where you die also affects if you can become an organ donor. You have to be in the hospital, on a ventilator, and have an injury where your brain cannot recover. The process for donating your organs actually starts when you’re considered legally dead, but your body is kept alive on life support. You must be regarded as brain dead, and your heart may also no longer be working, but your other organs are being kept functioning. Only your physician can make the call that you’re legally dead.

After that call is made, and while you are still on life support, the organ procurement team goes to work to determine which organs can be transplanted. Depending on your condition, all of your organs or some of them may be viable, but the brain is never able to be transplanted. The heart may be able to be used, but that would depend upon if the heart is already considered dead. Hospital staff will also seek authorization from your family. If you signed up to be a donor , that information is shared with them. But if you didn’t register, they can still make the decision to donate. Often, families hesitate to decide to donate their loved ones’ organs because they’re unaware of their wishes.

Once the organs are tested and deemed useable, and if your family authorizes the donation, the organ transplant team finds matches on the national transplant waiting list and coordinates with those patients’ surgeons to schedule the surgeries. You will be returned to your family, who can continue on with your funeral plans.

There’s a common misconception that organ donation alters what you can and cannot do at your funeral. Many believe that you can’t have an open casket after you donate your organs. However, organ donation does not change your ability to have one. The donation process happens very quickly, as it must in order to ensure that the organs are still working properly. Your body is released back to your family just as fast. Any incisions will have been closed so as to allow for an open casket funeral.

Becoming an organ donor can save the lives of up to 75 people, but myths about the process can prevent some people from registering or stop their families from giving their approval. However, the organ donation process is respectful, quick, and doesn’t change any funeral plans. When you register to be an organ donor, be sure to talk to your family about your choice. Having one conversation could mean that you end up saving or changing lives when you pass.

How and when do you pay for a funeral?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 25 Nov 2022 05:00:00 GMT

How and when do you pay for a funeral?

A funeral is the closing ceremony for a life. It positions the mourners on a solid footing for their grief journey. Collectively how we honor and bury our dead speaks volumes about who we are as a society. Funerals may be religious, celebratory, private, or very public. Funerals are powerful.

Funeral Directing is a profession. Like doctors, lawyers, teachers, and many other professionals good work is done, and compensation is required. Funerals come with a cost.

In days gone by funerals were paid for by family members, co-workers, and societies. The roots of life insurance are found in groups that came together and created a pool of funds to cover the cost of funerals of the members.

Today, in most instances, adults view covering the cost of their own funeral as a personal responsibility. They make provisions to cover the cost themselves in an effort to remove a burden from their children. Death of a parent typically occurs during the years when children are shouldering the cost of education for the grandchildren and building a retirement nest egg for themselves. Most parents these days choose to relieve their children of funeral costs by providing for the service themselves.

Frequently adults begin to think about how they will prepare for their own funeral expense in their 60s or 70s. They review their options. There is always life insurance. But many question if that is the best way to pay for a funeral. After all, the death benefits from life insurance do pass to the next generation without tax consequences. That is the exception rather than the rule with most other assets. Additionally, when one spouse dies the surviving husband or wife often experiences a reduction in income. It may be best to leave the life insurance for the surviving spouse’s continued living expenses.

For those who are fortunate enough to have investment portfolios, withdrawing funds from them may be an option. However, investments always have their peaks and valleys. There is no way to control when death will occur. Will it happen during an uptick or a down slide?

Funeral homes have the answer. An Advance Funeral Plan allows the responsible adult to decide how much money will be spent on the funeral. This avoids the risk of overspending by emotional family members at the time of death. The funeral home offers different methods of funding a funeral plan. In most cases this includes an option that makes it possible to pay for a funeral over time and be covered for the entire cost should death happen unexpectedly. These plans have the benefit of coverage for the entire cost without the obligation to make payments for a lifetime.

The best time to take care of the inevitable cost of one’s funeral is the first time you think about it. Simply put, procrastination costs money. Costs rise and options decrease as we age. It really is much easier than one might expect. All one needs to do is make a call to the funeral home of your choice. Set aside some time to meet with the advance planning specialist on staff and figure out the best course of action for you and your family.

Cemeteries – A final resting place

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 18 Nov 2022 05:00:14 GMT

Cemeteries – A final resting place

If you are of a certain age you may have grown up as a “free range child”. Children born after the second world war, mid-century modern kids, were very likely to participate in unorganized free play. Meaning, they roamed a geographic territory, outlined by their parents, unfettered. They played with other neighbor children until the dads came home or the bell was rung or some other prearranged signal that meant it was time to go home and wash up for dinner.

This free-range system left the door wide open for children to have all kinds of adventures. Arm and arm with a best friend, a cousin, or a brother or sister, they creek walked, caught tadpoles, made clover chains, left pennies to flatten on the railroad tracks and … they walked the cemetery.

If you were one of these kids, you knew the spell of the cemetery. Maybe you remember it still? Cool shade from tall trees. A feeling of calm reverence. As you walked the rows you avoided stepping on the graves. Inspecting the head stones, you looked for the person who lived the longest. You may also have been surprised to find the marker of a child who died at about your age. A beloved wife, mother of six, a loving husband, people who served in the armed forces, touching the carvings on the markers you understood the value of their life. As a child you could feel the presence of the souls. The cemetery was a mysterious, yet comforting place.

A cemetery is still a very special place. It is a final resting place. Knowing that a family member is buried in a peaceful and serene location brings comfort to family members. It’s nice to have a place to sit quietly and remember a mother, father, husband, wife, family member or a friend. Visiting the grave of a loved one feels like getting a hug.

Today, somewhere in the neighborhood of one half of Americans choose full body burial as their final disposition. In addition, many others who prefer to be cremated choose to have their ashes buried or placed in a mausoleum at the cemetery. Tucking a deceased loved one into a safe and serene green space gives family members a sense of security. Family members may live close by or at a great distance, they may move hither and yon, but they always know where the one they loved is resting.

As you plan for your own funeral, final disposition, and where you will rest, talk with your funeral director or advance funeral planning professional about options the cemetery offers. Maybe “old fashioned” and traditional is the perfect fit for you and those you love?

Veterans Day - Thank You for Your Service

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Thu, 10 Nov 2022 18:21:42 GMT

Veterans Day - Thank You for Your Service

Because you are there we all sleep better at night. You serve in the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard. Some of you serve for two years, some for twenty or more. Some enter into service at a tender age looking for opportunity. Some are following a longstanding family tradition. You are mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters. We, thank you for your service.

You spend days, weeks, and even years away from your family. You are not always there to teach your daughter to ride her bike; perhaps you missed your son’s first steps. Because you serve, you can’t always be counted on to attend the baseball game or the teacher conference. With your service comes sacrifice. Sacrifices made by both you and your family. We thank you and your family for your service.

Thank you for being ready and on alert so that we can go about our business without even thinking about the “what ifs”. Thank you for putting yourself in harms way. Thank you for giving us your time, your energy and your youth. Thank you for representing us with honor where ever you are stationed.

Regardless of whether you serve us at home or in foreign lands, in time of war or peace, we thank you for your service.

On Memorial Day we remember those who gave their lives in our service, on Armed Forces Day we honor those currently serving. On Veterans Day we honor all who have served our country from the Revolution in 1776 to today. Thank you.

The Changing Face of American Veterans

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 04 Nov 2022 06:00:02 GMT

The Changing Face of American Veterans

Veteran’s Day is the day Americans set aside to honor all who have served in the military during times of war and times of peace. We thank them all.

Many books have been written and movies made about World Wars I and II, Korea, and even Vietnam. But, what do we know about our post 9/11 Veterans? Who are they? Who do we thank?

When the draft ended in 1973, all branches of the armed services began the transition to the all-volunteer military force we have today. Since that time, the makeup of the military has been changing. While the total number of troops serving is declining, the force is becoming more diverse racially, ethnically, and by gender.

The majority of new recruits come from families with incomes between $38,345 – $80,912. Eighty percent come from families with a history of service. Their father, uncle, or grandfather also served. The share of the US population with military experience is on the decline. Seven percent of the total US population served in 2016 down from eighteen percent in 1980.

Fifty six percent of active duty personal are married, seven percent are in dual military families and thirty nine percent have children. According to a study conducted by the Rand Corporation since 2001, 2.77 million service members have served on 5.4 million deployments across the world with soldiers from the Army accounting for the bulk of them. Deployed personnel were under 30 years old on average, over half were married and about half had children.

On average military personnel sign on for four years of active duty plus four years in the reserves. Deployment for service personnel is typically for a period of 12 months followed by 12 months stateside. A post 9/11 service person will very likely see a second deployment during their term of enlistment. Career service members typically rotate 12 months deployed, 12 months home, 12 months deployed, 24 months home.

So, who do we thank? We thank all service men and women. We thank the husbands, wives and children of our service men and women. Post 9/11 military service is a family job.

Grief is Real

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 28 Oct 2022 07:15:00 GMT

Grief is Real

According to the Mayo Clinic, grief is “the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience. Individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss.”

There is a lot in the sentence above. Take a moment and let it all sink in. Grief is “natural.” It is not weakness. Grief is “universal.” Everyone feels grief. “Individual experiences of grief vary.” We all do grief in our own way.

Grief is most often thought of as the emotional response to loss. But it is more than just emotional. Grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, and spiritual manifestations. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Many psychologists tell us there is no way to avoid grief. There is no way around grief, only through. They counsel that to move beyond the pain of loss a person must feel grief.

Why does grief hurt? The source of the pain is found in the nature of the loss. We are accustomed to thinking of grief as the feeling we have when we have lost someone we loved. But grief can also occur because you have lost someone who loved you. A parent, child, sibling, partner, or friend who really got you. Someone who made you feel loved. That love may have been something you felt every day, or it may have been a subtle rudder to your life. A love you just knew was there even though you did not hear its voice daily. Sometimes the loss is not only the loss of someone we loved, but it is also a loss of the incoming love we received from that person.

Grief may also be triggered by a loss of purpose. When a child dies the mother no longer serves that mother role. When a husband leaves the wife is no longer a wife. When a person has been a caregiver and the person they cared for dies, the caregiver role is lost. It can be confusing for the person feeling this “loss of purpose” grief. Intellectually, a former caregiver may feel relieved their loved one is no longer suffering and may be dismayed at their own feelings of sadness. When providing care has filled a person’s day, loss of the caregiving role leaves a hole in their life. The feeling is grief.

Death, divorce, and break-ups all trigger loss. That can be loss of the future that the one left behind planned to have with the person who is gone. Loss of hope. With the death, divorce, or break-up comes the end of the hope of a cure or of making the relationship work. Gone is the hope of growing old together. Even if the loss occurs after the love has gone, there is emotional pain, grief.

Grief is difficult work. No one can expect to avoid the experience of grief. When the loss—and the grief that comes with it—is associated with a death, we have rituals anchored in thousands of years of tradition to help us. Funerals exist only because our collective experience as human beings have shown us that coming together, sharing our love of the deceased, and getting and giving a hug provides comfort and helps us as we begin the grief journey.

My spouse died: Do I really need to wait a year to move?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 21 Oct 2022 09:00:00 GMT

My spouse died: Do I really need to wait a year to move?

Nearly all experts say to wait at least six months to a year after a death or divorce before making big lifestyle changes like moving. Sometimes it is just not possible to allow yourself that much time. When that is the case, understanding the thinking behind this advice may help one avoid the pitfalls of making a quick move.

When a person loses a spouse, it changes everything. If it was a long marriage the survivor has been functioning as a half of a team for such a long time that making decisions alone is a totally new skill. In a marriage of shorter duration loss of a spouse manifests as loss of a future. It can feel like you do not know where you are going. In either case, adjusting to the new reality is a daunting task in and of itself.

Moving a household is third in the top three life stressors. Numbers one and two on that list are death of a spouse and divorce. That is why experts never suggest you take on moving when you have lost a spouse if it can be avoided. Moving is putting stress on top of stress.

However, sometimes there is not a choice. When that is the case, understand you will not be thinking as clearly as you normally would. You will also be tired; grieving takes a lot of energy. Consider taking smaller, less permanent steps. Perhaps rent instead of buying a home. If you can, stay near your old home. That will mean less change. You will not be totally lost. You can shop at the same grocery and go to the same doctor. You will be able to continue activities and see friends.

Moving always means packing and sorting belongings. That is a tall order under normal conditions; add grieving to the mix and it may feel overwhelming. Ask for help or hire help. If you can swing it, rent storage for six months and give yourself the gift of time. When you have lost the person you loved, objects associated with that person take on a heightened importance. Lightening your load to make a smaller space work for you or just to make the move itself more affordable may be overwhelming. If you can afford the luxury of putting off difficult sorting decisions, consider it money well spent. Be kind to yourself.

When it comes to the larger furniture pieces, plan carefully. The big stuff usually has less emotion attached to it and it is the costliest to move. Measure your sofa, bed, and dining table. Go to your proposed new space and tape off the space where you plan to place these large objects. If the sofa is going to be too large do not move it, sell or donate instead. Use the dollars you save on moving to purchase pieces that fit your new space.

The important thing is that you are able to rest and relax in your new space. That will not be possible if it is stuffed with too many items. You need room to breathe. You don’t need to feel overwhelmed by objects.

Most importantly, ask for help and accept offers of help. Be specific about what you need your helpers to do. Let go. No one will do everything exactly as you would. Lean in, take a deep breath, eat healthy, and rest.

What Is the Purpose of the Register Book?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 14 Oct 2022 09:00:00 GMT

What Is the Purpose of the Register Book?

There are a lot of little things that make a funeral special. And one thing that you’ll find at most funerals is a register book. Although it might feel strange to “sign in” to a funeral, register books serve multiple, essential functions. So, what exactly is the purpose of a register book?

What is a register book?

A register book goes by many names, including a funeral guest book or a funeral memorial book. Whatever you call it, it’s a book where funeral attendees can write their names and contact information, as well as stories about the decedent and well wishes for their loved ones. It’s typically placed near the funeral home’s entrance to allow attendees to sign it while they’re about to enter or on their way out.

Why should you use a register book?

When we think of a guest book, weddings usually come to mind. Wedding guests are typically asked to sign into a book where they give their name and often sweet sentiments for the happy couple. Later on, the couple uses that book to send out thank you notes. It also functions as a souvenir for a day that tends to go by very quickly, allowing the couple to read loving messages from guests they didn’t get to spend a lot of time with because they had so many other people to entertain.

Although a funeral and a wedding feel like two very different occasions, they share many similarities. One is celebrating a new life being forged by two people and another is celebrating a life already lived. Both days are often very overwhelming. There are so many people who are there to see you, talk to you, and comfort you. It’s not uncommon for either of those days to go by in a blur. You’ll likely not remember every person you spoke to or every kind word they said to you.

Register books give you a memento from the day of the funeral. You might wonder why you’d want to have those memories from such a difficult day, but afterward, you may find that keepsake gives you comfort. It reminds you of how loved the person you lost was and how many people came out to see them and pay their respects. It’s a comfort to know that your loved one’s memory lives on in all the people who adored them.

But beyond simply seeing the names of the people who came out to say goodbye, the book also contains a treasure trove of stories. Some you may have known, but many others unlock portions of your loved one’s life that you might not have even been aware of. A register book helps paint a picture of who the decedent was, from stories from childhood friends about what they were like as a kid to tales from coworkers and colleagues.

Do you have to use a register book?

No funeral home is going to require you to use a register book. But while you might not have to use one, you should consider carefully if you want to skip having one at your loved one’s funeral. You only get one opportunity to collect those stories and create that keepsake. At the end of the funeral, you may regret not having one as you struggle to remember all the faces that came out to support you, all the kind words that were said, and all the stories you were told.

You may also consider that you want to send out thank you cards to those who came to the funeral. Although this is also not a requirement, it’s a thoughtful way to reach back out to those who reached out to you. You may not know every person your loved one did personally, so you might not already have the contact information for every person at the funeral. A register book would help you collect that information so that you know where to send the card.

Having a register book at your loved one’s funeral may not be something that you’re required to have, but having that token to remember the event and all the people who loved your loved one is priceless. Beyond simply the names of those guests, you’ll have stories that keep their memory alive forever: an eternal comfort and a way to always feel close to the one you love and lost.

Three Ways to support someone who is grieving in isolation

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 07 Oct 2022 09:00:02 GMT

Three Ways to support someone who is grieving in isolation

Grief is difficult in perfectly normal times. However, when a global pandemic has us isolated, we lose two important comfort and coping mechanisms. Hugs are very hard to come by these days. In normal times the physical touch of a hug fills the vacuum when a person who loves another is at a loss for words but wants to show they care. Those who are grieving now, isolated and alone, have also lost another important coping mechanism. Distraction, via activity, is lost to many. Bridge groups are not meeting, church services and events are cancelled, volunteer activities have been suspended, all leaving mourners with many hours to pass alone.

If you know someone who has experienced a recent loss, look for a way to offer support and show you care. Three suggestions are:

1. Use your words. Make it easy, use the phone, make a call. For many, some of the newer technologies like Zoom and FaceTime may be frustrating. When a person is in the throes of grief learning something new can feel as realistic as climbing a mountain on a whim. While it’s great to see a face, being available to listen and to just talk is valuable. Make it easy. Make it regular. Set up a regular call time like coffee on Monday morning, cocktails at five on Friday, or lunch on Wednesday. A regular repeating time has the added benefit of giving both the caller and the person who is coping with grief something to look forward to. The more “you get together” the less you need to worry about what to say and what not to say. Conversation will become natural and will expand beyond the loss.

2. Offer to help where you can. Sometimes folks who are grieving get stuck. They are overwhelmed by a long list of little tasks that may seem simple to the rest of us. Where can I take the clothes? How do I safely discard medicine? How do I change the furnace filter? How do I get these leaves raked? Even the grocery store can feel overwhelming. Ask how you can help. Make a few suggestions. Keep in mind some people are not comfortable accepting help. Offer to do something specific. If that offer is not accepted, next time ask in an open-ended way such as “where could you use help”? If all else fails, just show up and pull the weeds.

Do something kind and unexpected. Bring dinner, buy a flower, put on your mask and offer a ride to the cemetery. Send a journal. Think cozy and warm. Drop off a hot chocolate kit, a mini pie, a scented candle or warm socks. Be creative. Show you care and be kind.

Leaving Something in the Casket

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Fri, 30 Sep 2022 08:30:00 GMT

Leaving Something in the Casket

The practice of sending a deceased loved one off with objects from this earthly life is as old as mankind. Ancient Egyptians believed when a person died, they passed into “the afterlife.” Burial goods paralleled objects used in life because it was believed these same objects would be needed in the afterlife. Burial goods included food, drink, tools, make-up, jewelry, pots, gold, and the like.

Even though few people today believe anything placed in the casket will be used by the deceased in the afterlife the practice of placing objects in the casket is alive and well. Possibly it is because letting go of someone we love is so hard, we find comfort in sending something along with the deceased and keeping something that belonged to the deceased for ourselves.

Most casket manufacturers offer caskets that include a small compartment for mementos family members may want to place with their loved one. Many people like to put a personal note in the compartment. A note can allow mourners to express their emotions or to share a thank you or even to say they are sorry or to express forgiveness for a wrongdoing. Grandchildren often like to put a drawing or love note in the little drawer of the casket. Sometimes it is wedding rings or even a golf ball that are buried with the person who died. What goes into the casket is as varied and individual as the person who has died and the family that loved them.

When we humans lose a wife or husband, mother or father, son or daughter, brother or sister, or dear friend, a hole is created in our life. The space that person held in our life is empty. Still, the love we had for them is not gone. Grieving is difficult and lasts for a good while. Anything that eases the pain, even a little, is good and welcome. Sending something off with the loved one is one way we find comfort. Another is to keep something - a remembrance.

Funeral homes usually offer a wide range of funeral goods for this purpose. There are teddy bears made from a grandfather’s flannel shirt or a gold or silver thumb print that can be worn on a chain or on a bracelet. For those who are cremated there is a whole line of cremation jewelry. These pieces will typically hold a small portion of the ashes. All one need do is ask their funeral director what is available. The answer will most likely reveal a wide variety of comforting options.

Planning a Funeral for Someone in Hospice Care

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 16:47:41 GMT

Planning a Funeral for Someone in Hospice Care

Having a family member in hospice care is not easy. There is no denying death is near. Sometimes the care is difficult, especially when the illness is painful. Life is coming to an end.

Sometimes the funeral is something that the person who is dying wants to talk about. They open the discussion. They want to actively engage, maybe even provide instructions. This can be hard for the family. It may even be tempting to hush the person who is dying rather than embrace their desire and use it.

When a dying person wants to talk about how they will be remembered, it is a gift. It is an opportunity for them to reflect on and share the high points of their life. What was important to them, what it is they loved about their life. What the dying person needs from their family is for those around them to listen. Take it all in. These last requests are an opportunity. They provide the occasion to learn about favorite songs, readings, and stories. These requests can provide the basis for a meaningful funeral that helps family members begin to heal. Hold the hand, share the memories, no need to act … just be.

Of course, this is not the experience everyone has with a family member in hospice. Often the illness and the care that is required is so devastating that it is all that those closest can handle. Still, there is one decision that will need to be considered. Often, as a part of the hospice admission procedure, the family will be asked to designate a funeral home of choice and determine disposition of the body. That is to decide if there will be a cremation or a burial.

Knowing which funeral home to call is helpful. When choosing a funeral home most families will choose the funeral home their family has worked with in the past or the one members of their church have used. Perhaps a family member has attended a funeral that really resonated with them and would like to use that funeral home. Which funeral home to call is really the only decision that needs to be made at this stage. All of the rest, even the bury or cremate question, can wait. The funeral home will help you with everything else when the time comes. There will be time.

The funeral, how a family chooses to remember a beloved family member creates a lasting impression. The funeral changes the focus from the illness that brought about death to the full rich life that was lived. It is the opportunity to remember the childhood, loves, talents, and experiences that made up the fabric of a loved one’s life. The funeral doesn’t heal the pain of the loss that comes when someone we love dies but it does begin the process of healing.

When you have a loved one in hospice care you are in well-trained, caring hands. The medical professionals will walk you through all the stages, they will tell you what to expect, they will hold your hand and relieve the pain of the person you love and are losing. When death comes the funeral professionals take your loved one and your family into their care. The funeral professionals will help you put together a funeral service that honors the person you love and lost.

Burial Vault: What’s the Point?

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 16:44:51 GMT

Burial Vault: What’s the Point?

Historically speaking, burial vaults were conceived as a means of protection from grave robbers. They were designed and intended to make it difficult to get into the coffin and remove valuables or even the body itself from the grave. Early vaults were made of wood and were called a “rough box” because they were rustic and unfinished in comparison to the more finely finished coffin.

In the late 1800s grave liners were in common use. These were made of brick on site at the cemetery. Bricks were fashioned right in the grave literally lining the grave space. Over time the concept of protection expanded to include protection from the elements. Family members became interested in protecting the casket or coffin from water, critters, and decomposition in general. Many families today consider “how” they care for a deceased family member to be a reflection of their love for that person and point of family pride.

When burial is selected as the final disposition of the body the deceased is most often placed in a casket. The difference between a coffin and a casket is the shape. A coffin is six-sided, it is wider toward the top third to accommodate the shoulders of the body and tapers to the foot. More commonly used in the U.S. is the rectangularly shaped casket. Caskets are most often made of wood or metal.

Wood caskets can be made of any species of wood and may be finished with ornate carving or may be very simple. The easiest way to understand the difference in cost of wooden caskets is to apply what you know about furniture. Solid mahogany will cost more than a veneer of pine. Many caskets are also made of metal. Carbon steel, stainless steel, copper, or bronze are all used. The cost and durability of a metal casket is directly related to the material from which the casket is made.

Burial in a cemetery usually requires an outer burial container. A grave liner or a vault is almost universally required by every cemetery to protect the casket and the integrity of the grave space from the weight of the earth and the heavy equipment that will pass over the grave in order to provide routine maintenance of the property. Grave liners are no longer constructed on site and made of bricks. They are most often made of concrete. Grave liners do not seal. A vault can be made of concrete or fiberglass, with or without a metal liner. Vaults will have a seal.

At this point you may be thinking, “who cares?” Well that is the thing, many people do care, and they care deeply. Others do not. This is the reason why the trip to the casket selection space at the funeral home and the process of helping a family make a choice that fits their values and budget is sensitive. Open communication regarding values and budget is essential. Funeral directors are there to help, answer questions, and explain differences. They educate and the family chooses.

So, what is the point of the vault? The point will vary from one family to the next. For some the point will be to satisfy the cemetery requirement as frugally as possible. For others the point will be to protect the integrity of the grave as much as possible. It is a matter of personal choice.

Memorializing an avid gardener

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 16:41:34 GMT

Memorializing an avid gardener

When a life ends, we remember. We remember the love, the bonds, and the passions of the person who died. A well put-together funeral that honors the life, faith, and relationships of the deceased is the first foothold on the path of healing for survivors.

Funerals that reflect a person’s interests can be powerful. They provide comfort for the family left behind. Funerals help change the focus from the cause of death, to the life that was lived. That remembering is comforting. So how can a family weave their mother or father’s love of gardening into the funeral service?

Be it a love of growing vegetables, flowers, or both, there are hundreds of ways to reflect a person’s passion for gardening in a funeral service. A few ideas follow:

Get that great picture of your gardener wearing their favorite gardening hat, face streaked with dirt and trowel in hand. Blow it up LARGE and display it during the visitation or memorial.
Ask friends and family to bring a small potted flower or plant in lei of traditional funeral flower arrangements and have a plant swap … those who attend the funeral can take home a plant to grow in their own garden in remembrance of the gardener.
Use your gardener’s favorite flowers or an arrangement of vegetables as the casket spray
If you really want to go big, consider what florists can do for weddings and talk to yours about bringing a garden to the church or funeral home.
Give a packet of seeds or a pair of garden gloves as a favor to funeral attendees
Include a garden-themed poem in the funeral service
Have a memorial tree planted at your local arboretum to honor your loved one.
Ask your funeral director to help you find funeral products that reflect that love of all things gardening to support the service choices you have made.

The ideas above are just a short list of possibilities. There are many more, you just need to do two things. First, be open. Think about that person you love, talk with the others who loved them. Ask yourself, “how do we showcase that gardening passion in the funeral or memorial service?” Second, ask for help. Tell your funeral director what you want to do. Challenge him to either be creative or help you connect with other professionals in your community who can support your goal. Your funeral director wants you and your family to have the absolute best, most meaningful funeral service. He or she is there to help you, just ask.

Where Not to Scatter Cremated Remains

duda@aftercare.com (Tukios Websites) — Tue, 02 Aug 2022 16:27:49 GMT

Where Not to Scatter Cremated Remains

For many folks the absolute “best” final resting place is someplace they loved when they were alive. Their “burial” plan is not to be buried at all, but to be cremated and have their ashes scattered at a special location. For those who prefer scattering there are a wide variety of options available. Still, not every scattering idea is a good idea. To help you determine if your scattering plan is a good plan be sure to consider these four things.

1. Think about the location of your choice. Is it legal and will it work? With permission from the owner of the golf course ashes could be scattered. Without permission scattering on private property that belongs to someone else is not legal and may not go smoothly.

2. As you put together your plan keep in mind scattering does not eliminate emotion. Family members tasked with scattering a loved one’s ashes experience the same emotions as those who stand at the graveside and watch the casket being lowered into the ground. No amount of creativity in the selection of the location will eliminate the emotion of the task.

3. You need a plan. “Just scatter me” is not a plan, it is a shift of responsibility. Someone in your family is going to be required to figure out when and where this scattering will take place if you do not.

4. Seek professional advice. Your funeral director can help you plan and prepare for a successful scattering.

Scattering at sea

There are laws. Federal law protects the oceans. See United States Environmental Protection Agency Burial at Sea for detailed policy information. Scattering in the ocean must take place at least three miles from shore, the ashes can go in, the container may not. That is unless it is biodegradable, then both the container and its contents can be commissioned to the sea. The expense of purchasing a proper biodegradable cremation urn is money well spent. The sea will be moving, maybe a little, or maybe even a lot. A smooth operation is critical to everyone feeling good about the dignity of the ceremony. Your funeral director can help you find a proper container for scattering at sea.

Consider using an offshore scattering service instead of a friend with a boat for the actual ceremony. A service gives your family the benefit of experience. They will know how to position the boat in relation to the wind and waves in order to assure a pleasant experience. Professionals will also be prepared for the needs of the family on board. They will not be surprised or unprepared for sea sickness of guests. Your funeral director is your best resource for finding this kind of service.

Scattering on public lands

States have jurisdiction over public lands and waterways within their boundaries. Laws vary widely from state to state. Be sure to ask your funeral director about the laws in your state. Seek advice and take care to be sure the scattering ceremony your family has planned will not run into an embarrassing roadblock midway into the ceremony. Share your plan and ask for the professional advice of your funeral director.

Scattering on private property

Scattering on private property requires the permission of the property owner. Resist the temptation to skip the permission step. Scattering on property that is not your own without permission is a recipe for disaster.

In addition to giving careful consideration to the scattering location it is always a good idea to consider the feelings of the mourners. It is easy to move forward with the desire of the deceased to be scattered and still satisfy the needs of mourners who may not be entirely comfortable with scattering. All that is required is good communication. Talk to your family about your plan well in advance. Find out who is and who may not be comfortable with your desire.

One of the lovely things about cremation is that the ashes can easily be divided. A family member can retain a small portion of the remains in a keepsake urn, garden bench, paperweight or even a piece of cremation jewelry. The remainder can then be scattered according to the wishes of the deceased.

One final consideration if you are thinking of leaving your family scattering instructions -be sure to think it through. Consider how your desire will play out for at least the next two or three generations. Will your beloved garden still be in the family? Or might the property be sold? Who will keep the urn after your wife dies, how about after your daughter dies? Think about how those who mourn you may be impacted by your desire to be scattered.

Why Plan Your Funeral in Advance?

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 02:36:51 GMT

The strongest and most compelling recommendations for advance funeral planning come from those who have just buried a parent. The daughter who just worked with her four brothers to put together a funeral for their mother will be the first to tell you, “If you have not already done so, please plan your funeral.”

No matter how well siblings get along, making emotionally charged decisions together in a short time frame is hard. A funeral “pre-arrangement” is a gift, and it is easy to do. So, how do you begin?

Call the funeral home and ask to schedule a meeting with the advance planning specialist. Set aside about two hours for this meeting.

As you prepare for the meeting think about those you will leave behind. What will comfort them? How should the funeral service feel? Will Faith play a part? Does a “Life Celebration” feel attractive? Or will your family be best served by a little of each?

Prepare a list of questions. You needn’t know all the answers before you meet with the funeral professional. Your meeting is an opportunity to learn and explore the choices

that are available and find the option that will work best for those you love.

Think about who will be responsible for the cost of your funeral. If you were to die tomorrow who would cover the cost? Understand that planning in advance never means that you must pay the total funeral cost at the time you complete your plan.

Be sure to ask about payment options that are available through your funeral home. Often you will find the funeral home has access to financial products that allow a person to pay for their funeral over time while being covered for the total funeral amount should death occur before payment is complete. Be sure to ask your funeral professional how these plans work. You will no doubt be pleasantly surprised by both the affordability and the flexibility of funding your funeral plan.

Planning your funeral in advance does not shorten your life. It does make the remainder of your days feel a little lighter because you know you have provided clear direction for your family.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Why Children Should Be Included in a Funeral

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 02:32:59 GMT

When a child falls and scuffs a knee, we kiss the boo-boo. A boo-boo kiss doesn’t really make the injury “all better” but, it is an important first step. It acknowledges the injury. The child is comforted that an adult is in charge. They know they are not alone. The hurt knee might need stitches, or it might just need some soap and water and a super hero bandage. Either way, the boo-boo kiss is the first step to things falling into order.

A funeral is like a boo-boo kiss. Everyone needs to start somewhere when someone in the family dies. The funeral, regardless of its form, acknowledges that life has changed for everyone. Gathering together provides an opportunity to give and receive comfort. It provides an opportunity to share memories. The child can see that he is not alone in his feelings of sadness. The funeral is for all family, friends, and, yes, the kids.

Psychocologytoday.com suggests that children be asked if they wish to attend the funeral. The child chooses. This means an adult should be able to tell the child what she can expect so the choice is an informed one.

When children are a part of the family experiencing loss, they should be considered from the very beginning of funeral preparations. Those family members making arrangements, should ask the funeral director about how children will be accommodated. Ask about a family lounge where kids may take a break. Ask if you can bring snacks for the younger ones.

The adults in charge should be sure they have all the information needed so they can properly prepare the children in the family. A funeral isn’t easy, it does not make the loss less acute, and nothing can make it “all better.” A funeral is an important first step to a healthy adjustment to loss. Kids should be included to the extent they wish to be.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Planning a Memorial Service: Do it Yourself or Call the Funeral Director?

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 23:50:49 GMT

Planning a Memorial Service: Do it Yourself or Call the Funeral Director

Who fixes the toilet at your house? The self-appointed plumber or the professional plumber? Some call the professional before the not-so-handy handy person takes the lid off the tank. We know, from experience, what happens once that lid hits the floor and the tools come out. It all starts out calm, cool and collected. The fixer asks all family members if they just happen to have one of those little ball chains laying around. Then it progresses to a shout to turn off the main (because water is spraying all over the bathroom) rapidly. What we end up with is a handle that must be jiggled just so after each flush and a big mess on the bathroom floor. Not to mention the hurt feelings and self-esteem issues when the professional is finally called.

Sometimes a professional is just the best possible choice. This is equally true when it comes to planning a memorial service. Call the funeral director. The funeral director knows how to put together a memorial service that will meet your family’s needs. The funeral director is a skilled communicator. That means he knows how to listen and mediate just in case family members are not on the same page. The funeral director has done this many times before. He knows who can help with the pictures, the food, the music, the doves, the bagpipers, the fireworks, whatever it takes to help your family honor the life of the one you lost.

Funeral directors are trained professionals. They have met the educational requirements of your state. They have passed the exam. In most instances they have served a lengthy apprenticeship. They have not only learned how to take care of the body of the deceased, they have learned how to take care of YOU.

Jiggling the toilet handle after each flush is a mild annoyance. Tip toeing around your sibling because the memorial for your parent was not just right is so much bigger. Call the funeral home and ask how they can help you.

www.smithfamilycares.com

When Where you Live is Not Where You Want to Be Buried

Mon, 25 Jul 2022 23:43:41 GMT

Sometimes people make something appear so simple and effortless that we forget how complex the task really is. We begin to undervalue its accomplishment.

If you’ve ever taught a child or a grandchild to tie a shoelace you know what I mean. Once you’ve got it, and have been doing it for a while, you can literally tie a shoe with your eyes closed. But when you try to break it down for your little one into all the steps that are required to make that bow, it clearly is quite complex.

Many aspects of funeral service fall into the category of “it seems pretty simple.” It’s understandable that we may begin to question the value. The funeral home makes it seem so easy the layperson has no idea what is really involved in pulling off the task.

For example, when a dream to retire to someplace warmer, or prettier, or more exotic is realized and a family member dies away from where they planned to be buried, there is a lot to consider. There is also a lot to be done. Luckily the funeral home can help.

The first step is to call the funeral home. The funeral home that is staffed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You know that building that is always clean and company ready, with the yard mowed, flowers fresh, and carpets swept. Call them. They will transfer your loved one into their care. The funeral directors will take care of the deceased. They will wash the body, dress the body, and prepare the body for final farewells.

When the designated family members have gathered in the warmer, prettier place they will need to meet with a local funeral director. There are decisions to make and people to consider. What about all the new friends that were made in the new home? Will there be a service for them? Is there a second spouse? Does that person have connections and a support system at the “back home” burial community? Who will receive the body when it arrives home? Will there be a service at a church, a funeral home, or at the graveside? This is when the funeral director will take care of you. The funeral director will guide you through these decisions helping you make sure all those left behind experience their loss with the most comfort and support possible. The funeral director will take care of the living as well as the deceased.

Once all the logistical decisions have been made and various events scheduled, the funeral director will again focus on care of the deceased. The funeral home staff will need to make sure death certificates are applied for, all the regulations and paperwork concerning transporting a body are met. The body will then be prepared for the journey home.

It’s not as easy as it looks. There is value in having the help of funeral professionals at a time when you and your family are tired, sad, and maybe not thinking so straight.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Email to a Funeral Director

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 18:40:34 GMT

Email to a Funeral Director

To: Funeral Director

From: Dad with no plan

Subject: A question about funeral preplanning

Before I get to my question, I have to tell you the background.

Friday after Thanksgiving I took my wife (who cooked for a week for that dinner) and my kids (who came from west coast, east coast, and the middle) and the grandkids (who only ate rolls for Thanksgiving) out for pizza.

Sounds nice, right? OMG! It took us forever to order, no one could agree! We ended up with one cheese pizza for the picky grandkids, a large with ¼ meat lovers, ¼ with anchovies, and ½ supreme. We also ordered a medium white with gluten free crust. Still they were all picking stuff off, making faces, and huffing and puffing. OMG again!

So, my question…and I need your opinion here…how are they going to do when the time comes for them to meet with you to plan my funeral? Do you think maybe the wife and I should do one of those funeral preplans or advance funeral plans?

Response

To: Dad with no plan

From: Funeral Director

Subject: Re: A question about funeral preplanning

OMG yes, you and your wife need a plan. Your family sounds perfectly normal! They’ll get over the pizza … but I’ve seen too many families break apart over disagreements about how to honor their parent’s life. Decisions such as burial or cremation or who is going to pay can be tough when families are grieving. A funeral plan is an easy fix. I’d be happy to help. When do you want to meet with me? At the funeral home or your house?

www.smithfamilycares.com

To Plan or Not to Plan Your Funeral in Advance

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 18:38:06 GMT

To Plan or Not to Plan Your Funeral in Advance

How does Advance funeral Planning affect the first hours before a funeral and the days and weeks that follow?

CALLING THE FUNERAL HOME / MORTUARY

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is already in place and on file at the funeral home, there is no question as to who to call. The deceased has left a clear message. The stunned, tired, grief-stricken family just makes the call and the funeral home takes your loved one into their care.

No funeral preplan in place: When a death occurs and no funeral preplan has been recorded at a funeral home, the first order of business is deciding which funeral home to call. The stunned, tired, grief stricken family must agree upon who they will trust to guide them through this difficult time. They must determine the funeral establishment that will help honor their loved one in a way that satisfies all their needs and fits their budget.

THE EVENING BEFORE THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENT CONFERENCE

Funeral preplan already in place: When a funeral preplan is in place, the family can take this time to comfort each other. They can share memories, go through pictures or just rest. Tomorrow they will meet with the funeral director and review the funeral plan their family member put together with them in mind.

No funeral preplan in place: For the family with no funeral preplan in place, tomorrow will bring many questions and decisions. Tonight, they will be weighing in on one big question – burial or cremation. They’ll be figuring out how much to spend and who will pay for the funeral. They will need to decide which of them will participate in the arrangement conference. They will need to consider and agree upon how to honor their loved one’s life.

DAYS AND WEEKS AFTER THE FUNERAL

Funeral preplan already in place: The family with the funeral preplan has no doubts, no second-guessing, and no regrets. They know they did the “right” thing. They know they spent the right amount of money. They miss the one they lost but they have no regrets about the service that honored their loved one’s life.

No funeral preplan in place: Sadly not all families are able to pull together following the loss of a family member. Some are pulled apart because they disagree about decisions great and small. The days and weeks following a death are emotional and tense. It can be a very difficult time to be making group decisions.

www.smithfamilycares.com

When Your Parent Loses Their Spouse

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 18:35:05 GMT

When Your Parent Loses Their Spouse

“And the two shall be as one” just rolls off our tongue. But think about it. What does it mean to the one who lives when their partner has died? Are they now a half? Families are interesting in that we tend to “know” our family member as their role relates to us. Mom is mom, dad is dad. We kids typically don’t really see the couple side, or the work side, or the friend side of our parents.

So how must it feel to lose your life partner? Try to step into your parent’s shoes. Pretty quickly in a marriage the jobs are assigned. She does the laundry, he cooks the dinner, she manages the household budget, and he manages the retirement plan. Sure, they have separate interests but look at all those shared interests. Are they lost with this death? What happens to their couple activities? Do friends still invite them for bridge or to join the bowling team when they become a single? Life changes drastically when death parts a couple.

If your parent begins to date, it is not so easy to move from your point of view to understanding and accepting theirs. For a child it may feel too soon, like your living parent is replacing your deceased parent. Perhaps this new wife or husband is stepping in a way that you thought you would. She is going to the doctor’s appointments with dad or cooking dad dinner when you expected to fill that role. He is mowing mom’s lawn with dad’s lawn mower no less! It’s hard.

Consider working on changing the way you look at this budding relationship. How hard would it be to live as a half when you have been married for 35, 50, or even 60 years? Maybe this new relationship is a search for the happiness they had with your deceased parent? Try to understand that as we age, time really is limited and precious. And honestly…maybe they can’t wait. Maybe they need a partner, or another half, to be whole again.

www.smithfamilycares.com

The Loneliness in Losing a Life Partner

Mon, 20 Jun 2022 18:32:36 GMT

The Loneliness in Losing a Life Partner

To say one “feels lonely” after losing their life partner is an understatement, especially if you have been happily married for many years. In time, however, you may find yourself at a crossroads. On one hand you can’t imagine life with another partner while on the other you hand you can’t bear this loneliness. You want a partner again.

Where your adult children are concerned, good preparation can literally keep your family from falling apart. Hard as it may be, talk to them and share how you feel and what you are missing. As much as you love your family and as much as they love you, their love cannot satisfy what you need. Help your children understand that you are not trying to replace their mom or dad, but that you may want to have someone to eat dinner with or a bridge partner again.

As soon as the thought of dating enters your mind, before you bring the thought to life with a real person, think about how a new relationship will land with your adult children. Consider both the emotional impact and the financial concerns that might be raised. Make an appointment with your attorney and talk about how a second marriage would impact your estate. Family concerns about money or the inheritance will only make things more difficult if you begin to date. We’ve all heard stories, so get your affairs in order BEFORE there is a person you care about and share any changes you make to your estate with your children.

If possible, consider your pace. If you slow down just a little bit and really enjoy the dating part of a relationship, it will give your children some time to get used to the idea of you dating again. It can help everyone adjust to the changing family dynamic that occurs when a new person is added to the mix. Just as the family dynamic changed when your children dated and/or married, it will change again if you start dating.

Communicate, talk about how you feel, and if you decide to date, go slow. Take care of those money matters early on so that any changes will not be seen as the fault of the new person in your life.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Accepting an Invitation

Sun, 15 May 2022 19:24:28 GMT

Accepting an Invitation

Previous blog posts have acknowledged how hard it is to deal with special occasions (e.g. holidays, birthdays) when you’ve recently lost the one you love. So, what do you do when you receive an invitation for that special occasion that you don’t feel like accepting? Maybe you are afraid you’ll be a wet blanket, or you aren’t eager to do something new and different because you really just want things as they were. That’s understandable but perhaps turning down the invitation isn’t really in your best interest.

Before you say “no” to an invitation too quickly, give yourself a few minutes to think about it. Take that time to consider your alternatives. What will you do if you don’t accept it? Is there something you would prefer to do? Think about it, do you really want to be alone on that special day?

It is important to acknowledge that the day won’t be the same. Acknowledge your loss. A woman who recently lost her husband goes to the cemetery for a little chat on those special days. She “tells” her husband how it’s hard for her and that she misses him. Then she tells him how she is going to spend the day.

It is difficult to do something different on those special occasions. Your first few efforts may even fall short. Eventually, perhaps even sooner than you expect, you will find your joy in the occasions again.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What is Direct Disposition?

Sun, 15 May 2022 19:14:36 GMT

What is Direct Disposition?

What is direct disposition?

Who can provide this service?

When does direct disposition make sense?

Direct disposition is a term used to describe burial or cremation that takes place directly following death. The deceased is removed from the place of death and taken directly to be either buried or cremated. There is no preparation of the body or opportunity for family members to see the body before the burial or cremation takes place. A memorial service may follow direct disposition.

Direct disposition providers include cremation societies, direct disposal facilities, and funeral homes. Cremation societies may contract in advance to provide cremation for a predetermined fee. Most often the fee will include removal of the body and transportation to the cremation facility provided the death occurs within a prescribed geographical range. If death occurs outside the area additional fees will be charged. Frequently these cremations take place in very basic stripped-down facilities similar to a warehouse or a strip mall. They are typically no frills, no public admittance buildings. They are usually the lowest cost alternative with the least amount of service options when someone dies.

Direct disposition can also be arranged through a funeral home. In this case the family will be offered the option of viewing either with or without embalming before the cremation takes place. This viewing can be particularly important to family members who live in a different part of the state or country. These folks often have a need to see the deceased if they were not present at the time of death. The funeral home will transfer the deceased from the place of death to the cremation location. The funeral home can also help with a memorial service held either at the funeral home or even an off-site facility.

The option of Direct Disposition makes perfect sense for families with a religion that dictates the body be either buried or cremated within a brief period. It can also fill a need when the budget is very tight, or the person has little or no family connections. Sadly, some people make this decision based on dollars alone without considering the impact on family and friends. They never check with their local funeral home to learn about the services available and the cost of those services. This can add needless pain for family and friends.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Why Using a Family Owned Funeral Home Matters

Sun, 15 May 2022 18:53:44 GMT

Why Using a Family Owned Funeral Home Matters

If you are like most Americans you are probably shopping local, but maybe you have not stopped to think about why you are drawn to working with local businesses.

Researchers tell us local businesses are more likely to utilize other local businesses, making our communities stronger. For every $100 you spend at a local business $68 will stay in the community. Locally owned independent businesses return more than three time as much money to the community in which they operate than chain competitors. Locally, family owned funeral homes hire local, use other locally owned businesses when they need service, and contribute to the community.

All of that is important. However, when a family member dies, few of the reasons discussed above are likely to come into play as you pick up the phone to call a funeral home. There is one reason that is top of mind in that situation, and it does matter. It is there right in front of you even if you are not fully aware. When something is important, like how your family experiences the death of a beloved family member, we all seek accountability. We want a provider who is connected to us. When it is something important, we want someone who cares about how they do their job. We want someone who will see us at church or at the ball field. We want to use a funeral provider that is accountable to the community.

It is the reason we like the locally owned appliance store over the big box store. Our local store cares if the microwave works. If it does not work, they will fix it. It is the same reason we like to shop at the local farmer’s market. The big chain supermarket might hide the old soft berries at the bottom of the basket. The farmer, who is your neighbor, will not. When a service provider is your neighbor, they are accountable for their work. You know where and how to reach them to tell them they did a good job, or where they did not meet your expectations. We all know full well accountability is hard to get from the big guys. Just take a moment to think back to that last call you made to your cable or internet provider. How long were you on hold? Accountability is the reason we choose locally-owned whenever we can.

A family-owned funeral home is connected to the community and answers to that community. The funeral director’s children go to school with your children. They know you and understand your needs. If you are fortunate enough to have a family-owned funeral home in your community, place your trust in them when the need arises.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What is the Difference Between a Funeral Director, Mortician, Undertaker, and Embalmer?

Sun, 15 May 2022 17:51:09 GMT

What is the Difference Between a Funeral Director, Mortician, Undertaker, and Embalmer?

The terms funeral director, undertaker, and mortician are used interchangeably to describe a professional engaged in the business of funeral rites. Regional tradition dictates which title you hear used most often where you live.

Tasks involved in the performance of funeral rites may include embalming, burial or cremation of the dead, as well as the arrangements for funeral ceremony. Embalming is a separate skill which may require a separate license depending on individual state regulations. Embalming is the art and science of preserving human remains by treating them in order to slow down decomposition. Embalming is usually done to make the deceased suitable for public or private viewing as part of the funeral ceremony.

Licensing requirements for funeral directors, morticians, or undertakers vary from state to state. Most states have educational requirements which include a period of apprenticeship. In some states funeral directors are required to hold both a license for embalming and funeral directing. In other parts of the country the two roles are licensed and performed separately.

Skills that are identified as desirable in a funeral director include a knowledge of science and mathematics. However, the skills that make the top of the list may surprise the reader. They are complex problem solving, followed by having a service orientation, social perceptiveness, good speaking and writing skills and excellent active listening skills. If you take a moment to consider what a funeral director must do to put together a funeral service that meets the expectations of a variety of family members, those skills fall into place. It’s easy to see why the “soft skills” appear at the top of the list for attributes of a successful funeral director.

So, who is the funeral director? According to data USA 69.1% of funeral directors are male. Of morticians, undertakers, & funeral directors, 77.6% are white (non-Hispanic), making that the most common race or ethnicity in the occupation. Representing 10.3% of morticians, undertakers & funeral directors, black (non-Hispanic) is the second most common race or ethnicity in this occupation. However, the face of the funeral director is changing. According to the National Funeral Directors Association, women are the fastest growing group in funeral service. Today, women comprise approximately 57% of mortuary school students. This once male-dominated industry is changing.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Thinking of Your Own Mortality

Sat, 14 May 2022 23:13:44 GMT

Thinking of Your Own Mortality

According to the Center for Disease Control, the average life expectancy for a person living in the United States is 78.6 years. Women on average live slightly longer than men. Our own mortality is not something most people think about on a daily basis. However, it is something that bubbles up in our consciousness from time to time.

Sometimes the death of a famous person who was a contemporary of ours will trigger the thought that someday we will be gone. Even a major purchase like that of a new roof can trigger a reality check. Do you want a roof that is guaranteed for 50 years or will you spend less and get the 30-year roof? A near miss with an illness of your own or a friend’s experience with an illness can be a reality check. At times like these, people understand the fragile nature of life.

When the thought that you will one day die hits you, most people start to consider their preparedness. Have you and your spouse talked about and made the decisions that will assure arrangements go smoothly? Will your children have the same idea of what you would like done? Or are they all singing from different song books?

How many times have you thought about doing something about your level of preparedness? How many times have you let that thought go without taking action? It is easy to procrastinate about getting your funeral arrangements in order, written down at the funeral home of your choice, and informing your children of your plan. After all, it is the last thing you need to do. Really, the last.

However, it won’t be the thing you want to do when you get to the end. No one is guaranteed of advance notice of their death. For some it is sudden and unexpected. The thing is, it is much easier to get this little job done than most people think.

The funeral home of your choice has a person on staff who is designated to help people of all ages plan their funeral in advance. There is usually no cost for this consultation. Getting a plan in place is a great relief for you and it is a thoughtful gift for your family. When you die, deciding what should be included in your funeral will not be something your family wants to do either, but they will have no choice. They will appreciate your kindness toward them if you have provided them with guidance.

The year is drawing to a close. Perhaps it is finally time to make the call and set up a time to meet with the advance planning professional at the funeral home of your choice.

The process is easy. Nearly every person who makes the call ends their time with the advance planner by expressing relief and commenting, “this was so much easier than I expected.”

www.smithfamilycares.com

Jack Be Nimble & Quick … Get Your Affairs in Order!

Sat, 14 May 2022 23:09:25 GMT

Jack Be Nimble and Quick...Get Your Affairs in Order!

One thing we have come to realize this year is the value of being nimble, agile or light footed. Our world has been turned inside out. We have all come to expect the unexpected and to realize that little is certain. Getting a handle on life in 2020 has been a little like nailing Jell-O! Being flexible and prepared has become more important than ever before.

Many of us have reevaluated our preparedness for everything from fire and flood to shortages of toilet paper and food. Being prepared, in this uncertain world, relieves anxiety. We just feel better when we have a stash of canned goods and a couple of cases of TP at the ready.

No one wants to think about a family member losing their independence or becoming ill or worse: dying. Still, it is something we should consider. Is there someone you could become responsible for if they fall ill? Do you have a medical power of attorney for that person? Is there an advance directive for health care? Is there a funeral plan? Who would be responsible for you if you were the one who became ill and not able to make your own decisions? Does that person have a POA for you? Have you provided an advance directive? Do you have a funeral plan? Does your designated person know who to call and what you would want them to do?

The documents that meet the legal requirements in each state for a medical POA and advance directives are generally available on-line. A funeral plan is something you do with a funeral director or funeral planner. Nearly all funeral homes have someone on staff designated to help people in their community with advance funeral planning. This service is usually provided free of charge and the funeral home will keep a copy of your plan on file at the funeral home.

Funeral plans are, by design, nimble. They are portable so if you move you can take them with you. They can also always be changed and updated should your ideas about your service change over time.

If you have been putting off taking care of any of these documents, now is the time. You will feel better when it is all done and in order.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Procrastination and Funeral Planning

Sat, 14 May 2022 01:06:45 GMT

Procrastination and Funeral Planning

Another year over and you made it through without getting that funeral plan completed. But there it is, still on your to do list. How many years have you been thinking about getting this done? If you are a procrastinator this is the one you can put off until the very end. Then it will become a job for someone else.

Still, if it is on your list there must be a reason. Perhaps you want to be the one who decides what is done and how much is spent on your last good-bye. Maybe you were the one who had to take care of a parent’s funeral and you do not want to leave yours to your children. You had a reason. What was it?

Why do we put things off? What’s the benefit of procrastination? What’s the harm?

We are naturally conditioned to avoid unpleasant tasks. It is estimated that 10 to 20% of people put off regular dental visits. Why? Not because the results are good, that is for sure. People procrastinate because they are scared. They fear the dentist. And how does that work out? When they finally see the dentist, it is because they are in pain. It is an emergency. Avoiding the regular checkup, procrastinating, does not help. It makes the dental experience more painful and even more expensive. No benefit at all. Putting off funeral planning is a lot like putting off seeing the dentist, nothing good comes from procrastination.

Funeral Planning will not kill you. You will have to acknowledge your mortality, but then you do know you will die one day, don’t you? So, what are you waiting for? Do you think planning will be easier if you wait until you are ill? No, of course it will not be easier if you are sick.

Actually, the longer a person waits to get a plan in place the fewer payment options they will be able to take advantage of and the costs increase. A younger person can plan, and if they choose to, purchase insurance for their plan so when they die the insurance company will cover the funeral cost. Coverage like that does not get cheaper as we age, it is the other way around. Funeral costs, like most costs, have historically increased over time. There is no point waiting. The cost will not go down.

Experience tells us people who complete a plan feel good and are pleasantly surprised at how easy it was. On average it takes about two hours to complete a funeral plan. You will most likely be able to choose to have a planner come to your home if you don’t want to go to the funeral home. Planning your funeral is not difficult. Just call the funeral home and set up a time. Do not wait. 2021 will be over sooner than you think.

www.smithfamilycares.com

Five Themed Funeral Ideas to Personalize a Funeral

Sat, 14 May 2022 00:53:56 GMT

Five Themed Funeral Ideas to Personalize a Funeral

A picture is worth a thousand words. Pictures bring memories to life; they stimulate conversation and can illustrate an entire lifespan.

There are different ways to use pictures in a funeral service. Many funeral homes have resources onsite or know just where a family can find what they need. Photos can be enlarged or displayed on a board or placed in albums on a table. Photos may also be incorporated into a slide show or shown in a loop on a video monitor or flat screen.

The exercise of going through family photos and choosing which to use for the funeral is cathartic in and of itself. As the family members sort through their photos and discuss which to use, stories are bound to be shared. This activity is healing. It helps the mourners move from thinking and talking about the cause of death to thinking and talking about the life that was lived.

As the pictures are selected and decisions are being made about how to share them, think about how time will come into play. How long will people be comfortable standing in front of a flat screen? Ask your funeral director for guidance. Consider sharing photos in more than one format, or having more than one video set up, or showing more than one video at different times in the service. Ask for what you want and need.

Music

The span of a lifetime can be reflected in the music a person listened to and loved. From Frank Sinatra to Pavarotti, boy band to the church choir, music is the background of our lives. Including music in a funeral service can bring life to the service. Do not be afraid to step out of the box. If the one you loved really liked to rock it out at top volume go ahead and ask to play one of their favorites loud, as visitors leave the funeral home. Talk to your funeral director about how you can include the music that reflects your loved one.

Stories

A good speaker, who knew well the person who died, can bring both tears and laughter to a funeral service. However, not everyone is a good speaker. Choose wisely and do not be afraid to ask what is going to be said. Surprises can be upsetting to some and funerals always leave a lasting impression. Do not be shy. Ask the speaker what is being planned. This extends to the religious officiant as well, especially if the clergyperson is not well known to the family.

Your funeral director has a lot of valuable experience. Be sure to tap into that experience. Ask her how many speakers to have and how long a service should last. Be sure to watch for overlap in stories. One person talking about the time the football tickets were left at home for the big game is probably enough. Nobody wants to be second up with the same story prepared and rehearsed.

Public speaking is in the top five fears of nearly everyone. If your circle does not include a good storyteller, ask the funeral director if there is a Funeral Celebrant in your community who could help with this part of the service.

Passions

The things a person loved help tell their life story. It could be a team they watched or a sport they played. Some people are passionate about their work, others are inspired throughout their life by a hobby or pursuing a talent. Regardless, passions help to define a life. It is no wonder mourners wish to honor their loved one’s passion when life comes to an end.

There are different ways this can be accomplished. There are caskets that honor a team or school. Favors that reflect a love of gardening, cooking, golf or almost anything, can be given to attendees. “Secret” recipes can be shared. Once again, your funeral director will be an excellent resource to help you incorporate the passion all the visitors will recognize into the service.

Faith

When family members all share a common faith with the person who died, this part of the funeral service usually comes together easily. However, it sometimes happens that more than one religious affiliation is practiced within the family. In this case, the religious portion of the service is usually a reflection of the faith of the deceased.

When the deceased was not religious but close family members have a strong religious affiliation, who performs the service and how the religious service is handled may become tricky. It is always helpful to remember that funeral services leave a lasting impression. For this reason, it is important to try and please all close family members. Your funeral director can help sort this out.

In summary:

A funeral may include some or all of the elements mentioned above. It should reflect the life of the person who died and bring comfort to close family members. Funeral directors are eager to have the service meet the family’s desires. Still, funeral directors are not mind readers.

In order to meet the expectations of the family, members must listen to each other and communicate openly with the director. If there is something important to one or more family members, what it is and that it is important must be shared with the funeral director. Seek the professional advice of your funeral director and be clear and firm regarding any elements that will be crucial to the success of any family member’s grieving process.

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My Financial Advisor Doesn’t Think it’s a Good Idea to Preplan My Funeral

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 18:38:15 GMT

My Financial Advisor Doesn't Think it's a Good Idea to Preplan My Funeral

The butcher, the baker, the candle stick maker. Does anyone go to the butcher for a candle? Would anyone even think of asking the funeral director for investment advice? The financial advisor, while very knowledgeable about money and investments, has little experience in helping a family honor the life of someone they love. Yesterday you could hold the hand of your loved one, today you must figure out how to say good-bye. Tomorrow you will begin the difficult task of living without the one you love. In the midst of all of this you will need to plan and pay for a funeral service. Helping families navigate those difficult days or to plan for this inevitable event is the job of the funeral director.

Accessing the dollars to pay for a funeral is where the financial planner can help. A financial planner who is familiar with a family’s financial resources can help them decide how and when to pay for a funeral. In a perfect world the investor, that’s you, would not die on a day the market was down, or just as his stocks were on the rise. He would die when it is a good time to take the cost of his funeral out of his investments. His heirs would not be burdened with tax consequences. Truth be told, life just does not always work out perfectly. We do not decide when we die.

This is what you can do. Plan the funeral with your funeral director. Talk to her about service options that will help your family cope with your loss. Talk to her about how much you are comfortable spending. Become educated about the advance payment options that are offered through the funeral home.

Ask if you can pay for your funeral in monthly payments over a few years. Ask what happens if you die before you complete all payments. Many funeral homes fund funerals with insurance products designed just to pay for funerals. That can mean the funeral will be paid for by the insurance company should death occur before your payments are completed.

Ask what happens if the cost of your funeral increases between now and when you die. Is there protection available for funeral inflation?

Talk to your spouse. If you die first, who will pay for the funeral? Where will the money come from? Will there be tax consequences? Would it be easier for the one who will be responsible if the funeral plan were funded? Decide what will work best for your family.

Now, go to your financial advisor. Ask him if you should pay for your funeral in one single payment now, or should you take advantage of one of the payment plans? Share all the information you receive from the funeral home. Get financial advice, not permission, from the one who looks through the lens of the dollars, the financial advisor. Get your funeral planning advice from the one who helps families cope with death, the funeral director. Make your decisions for the ones you love, with the ones you love, your family.

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What is an Ossuary?

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 18:33:46 GMT

What is an Ossuary?

Ossuaries are making a comeback as an alternative final resting place for cremated remains.

In ancient times as far back as c. 40 B.C.E. Ossuaries were popular among the Jewish population. An ossuary is a chest, box, building, well, cave or site made to serve as the final resting place of human skeletal remains. Historically ossuaries have been used in areas where burial space was scarce or in situations where large numbers of people died in a short time such as a plague or battle. The deceased would first be buried in a temporary gravesite and then after some years the skeletal remains would be removed and placed in an ossuary. An ossuary is a communal space where the bones of many people are entombed together often arranged in elaborate patterns. They were always sites of reverence and respect.

There are many historic ossuaries around the world that can be visited today. One of the most recent to be constructed is the Phnom Penh Memorial Stupa in Cambodia. Between 1975 and 1979 the Khmer Rouge killed 1.7 million people. Many of those people were buried in unceremonious mass graves. The Phnom Penh memorial stupa holds the remains of an estimated 10,000 people who were removed from the mass graves and moved to the memorial to provide a dignified final resting place.

Today’s ossuaries are very different in that they do not require exhumation and reburial of bones. Ossuaries today consist of an above ground tomb/marker and an underground vault. Cremated remains, usually contained in a soft material bag inscribed with the name, birth date, and death date of the deceased are dropped into the vault where they rest in community with others. These ossuaries are similar to the ancient in that more than one individual is entombed. They are communal and they hold bone albeit bone fragments produced as the result of the cremation process.

Ossuaries are found in a growing number of cemeteries. They provide a dignified final resting place for those who prefer to be cremated but are not comfortable with the impermanence of scattering. The ossuary space has a low environmental impact, costs less than burial, and gives the family the added benefit of knowing the one they loved rests in a place that will remain intact. Ossuaries provide a dignified final resting place for those who prefer cremation.

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What is a Columbarium Niche?

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 18:30:56 GMT

What is a Columbarium Niche?

A columbarium niche is a final resting place for ashes after cremation. Niches are above ground and are most often built into a wall. The wall is made up of individual compartments that hold an urn containing the ashes of one individual. Columbarium niches are available at many cemeteries and some churches. The niches or compartments may be glass-enclosed, allowing the urn or container to be seen. An alternative design uses sealed stone cubicles very similar to a mausoleum. Sometimes the wall contains open niches. The columbarium wall may be contained in a building or may be free-standing outdoors.

The size of the Niche is usually a standard 9x9x9. This means the choice of urn is limited to something that will fit in the niche. Depending on the design of the columbarium, the choice of urn may be further restricted. There are some columbarium that are stunningly beautiful with glass niches backlit to enhance the display of ceramic urns.

Although cremated remains, or ashes, may be scattered in a location that was special to the deceased, there are laws. Each state regulates where ashes may be scattered. Sometimes scattering is not practical. Often scattering does not satisfy the need of family members to have a fixed location where they can go to remember. A columbarium niche provides a permanent resting place for cremated remains. The cost varies with location but generally speaking it is less than that of burial.

The choice to be cremated does not in any way dictate the type of funeral service that may be held. A full funeral service including visitation with the body present can be held prior to the body being cremated. The service may be faith based or a celebration of life or it may include both. The choice to cremate does require that an individual seriously consider the needs of their family when choosing among the many options regarding a final resting place for the cremated remains.

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Funeral Word Quiz

Fri, 08 Apr 2022 18:27:47 GMT

Funeral Word Quiz

Find out how much you know about funeral service. Match the definition to the words below. See how well you do.

Definitions

1. A chemical process that uses a solution of 95% water and 5% potassium hydroxide or sodium hydroxide to reduce a body to components of liquid and bone. Bone fragments are retained so they can be dried and turned into a substance similar to cremated ashes.

2. A service, held without the body present, that commemorates the life of the deceased.

3. A speech usually delivered by a family member or close personal friend at funerals or memorials used to honor and pay respect to the deceased.

4. A permanent outside burial container which is sealed and affords protection to the casket.

5. A notice of a person’s death published in a newspaper; usually contains biographical details and information about funeral or memorial services.

6. The ceremony conducted immediately before the disposition of the dead human body, this service may or may not be faith based.

7. A trained and licensed individual who provides support to the bereaved during initial stages of their grief; arranges and directs funeral ceremonies; arranges for the removal of the deceased from the place of death; prepares the body according to the wishes of the survivors and requirements of the law; secures information for legal documents; files death certificates and other legal papers; assists survivors with filing claims for death benefits.

8. A memorial structure where inurned cremated remains are entombed.

9. A permanent outside burial container, generally consisting of a concrete box and a lid. It is not intended to provide any sealed protection to the casket.

10. The reduction of human remains by intense heat and flame to ash and bone fragments.

11. A person who serves as the leader of a funeral service; may be an ordained member of the clergy or a lay person who has received specialized training on rituals and funeral traditions.

12. A Funeral or Memorial Service where the focus is on all aspects of the life of the deceased; their work, family connections, hobbies and interests as well as their accomplishments. This type of service may or may not include a religious component.

WORDS

____ Memorial Services ____ Funeral Service ____ Celebration of Life

____ Vault ____ Grave Liner ____ Columbarium Niche

____ Funeral Celebrant ____ Funeral Director ____ Cremation ____ Eulogy

____ Obituary. ____Alkaline Hydrolysis

Bonus Question: To Put a smile on your face. What is it?

A BEER … A BIER… A BEAR

· Comes in black, brown, and even black and white. Weighs between 300 and 1400 pounds! Is fuzzy and sleeps all winter.

· A stand on which a casket is placed before burial.

· A fermented beverage served very cold—it just hits the spot on a hot day.

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Five Tips to Help with the Year of Firsts

Tue, 29 Mar 2022 05:19:33 GMT

Five Tips to Help with the Year of Firsts

The first year following the death of someone dear—a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, or a good friend—is frequently referred to as “the year of firsts.” It will be the first time the holidays, birthdays, and the occasions both sad and happy that were shared and witnessed with the person who has passed will come and go alone, without the loved one. For most people it is a tough year. Still there are things that can be done to make experiencing these milestones easier.

1. Avoid being blindsided

Keep an eye on your calendar. Know what is coming. Be aware of the approaching anniversary, birthday, holiday or time of year when you always took a vacation with the person who has died is approaching. Do not let the day sneak up on you and catch you off guard.

2. Know that ignoring the occasion won’t help

When a sensitive occasion is noted on the horizon it may be tempting to think about just ignoring it and letting the day pass. That seldom works out well. Most find the loss of sharing the day with one’s special person cannot be ignored. Trying to do so may mean spending the day alone with a great big elephant in the room.

These are things everyone who has experienced a loss must go through. There is no going around. Grief is often likened to a journey. The first year is full of milestones encountered along the path to living life without the person who was loved. The end of the journey is not forgetting that person, it is finding a way to live life without the loved one in it.

3. Make a plan

Decide how you will mark the occasion. For some a trip to the cemetery will feel right. It might be a good idea to ask a friend or someone who shares your loss to come along. For others it may mean coming up with an alternative plan for spending a holiday. If the day was always celebrated with family at mom’s house and it is mom who has died, the family may all need to be included in how the day will be best celebrated.

4. Acknowledge your loss

Just as ignoring the day is not a good strategy, neither is ignoring the fact someone is missing from the celebration. Perhaps it will be appropriate to acknowledge your loss privately by making a visit to the cemetery or church to say a prayer or have a “chat” with your loved one. In some instances, you may find yourself spending the day with others who share your loss. In that case it may be lovely to include a mention, toast, or other remembrance of the one who died.

5. Include others

If you can, avoid spending the day alone. Do something with someone you love. It doesn’t have to be the same thing you always did with the person who is gone. While it may be enjoyable to carry on a tradition for some, for others the tradition may feel hallow when done with a “replacement person.” What you do should be something you enjoy. The idea is to own your loss, making an effort to celebrate the occasion in a way that is pleasant.

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How to Get the Funeral You Want

Mon, 14 Mar 2022 04:40:37 GMT

How to Get the Funeral You Want

Don’t be afraid to ask the funeral director your question or to speak up and say what you want.

Some events only happen once in a lifetime. Graduations, weddings, and funerals are a few of these one-time occasions. That means the way the event is marked makes a lasting impression. If the cake at the wedding was supposed to be chocolate and it was not it does not ruin the marriage or even the day, but it can mar the occasion and it is usually the thing that is remembered. It was not right and it is never forgotten.

When a funeral is not “right”, when a minister mispronounces the deceased’s name, or the dress mom always told you she wanted to wear is not the one your brother chose, the hurt can go deep and last a long time. Getting the funeral right for your family is very important.

When you meet with the funeral director do not be afraid to speak up. Funeral directors are kind, caring people, but they are not mind readers. Tell your director what you want. Tell her what you do not want. Ask questions. Tell him about your mother, father, or spouse. Ask how to bring out what you loved about the person you lost. Treat the funeral director like you would a wedding planner. Share where family members are having a problem agreeing and ask for guidance.

Rules are made to be broken. If the number of pictures, songs, or readings recommended by the director doesn’t seem to match what you had in mind, speak up. No one at the funeral home wants your family to struggle to get the number of photos for the video down to twenty when what you really want is forty. If what you really want is for your deceased daughter to wear her cheerleading outfit for her visitation and something else for the church service speak up. Just because the body is usually dressed only once doesn’t mean it must be that way. Funeral directors know how important every detail is to the families they serve. They just don’t know what is important to you if you don’t tell them. body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

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Am I Too Young to Plan my Funeral?

Mon, 14 Mar 2022 04:32:20 GMT

Am I Too Young to Plan my Funeral?

If you are thinking about planning your funeral it is a good sign you are not too young. Although most people tackle this task when they are preparing to retire or after the children have left home, many plan sooner. In reality, most plan because they want to or need to. Age is not the determining factor. Whatever the reason you are thinking about planning your funeral, trust yourself. It is a good enough reason. Don’t worry that you are not “old” enough.

What are some of the situations that prompt younger folks to consider planning their funeral? There are many. Maybe they are concerned about the person who would be responsible for arrangements if the unexpected did occur. It could be they do not have confidence in the family member who would be legally in charge, or they have strained relations with family and would prefer someone other than family handle the arrangements. Some may not want to burden family with decisions or financial responsibility while others don’t practice the same faith as their family members and would prefer a different kind of service. A lot of people have a clear idea of what they want, and they prefer to take matters into their own hands to assure what they want to happen does happen.

A funeral that is planned in advance may be either funded or unfunded. An unfunded plan includes recording your preferences for disposition (burial or cremation) and services (faith based, life celebration or both) and keeping them on file at the funeral home. A funded funeral plan is both planned and paid for by the person making the plan.

There are some real financial advantages to planning your funeral when you are younger rather than waiting until you are older. Most funeral homes have advance planning experts on staff who will explain these advantages to you at no cost and without any obligation. All that is needed is to call the funeral home and ask for a consultation appointment. Spending a little time with one of these funeral experts will allow you to have all of your questions answered.

Some of the advantages you will want to explore are the ability to pay for your funeral using a program that will allow you to pay in small budget friendly monthly payments. These programs, usually available only through a funeral home, have the added advantage of covering the entire cost of your funeral should you die before you have completed your payment plan. The coverage your funeral home can offer is vastly different from so called “final expense” plans that are available through typical insurance companies. Be sure to ask the pre-arrangement specialist at your local funeral home how the plans they offer work.

Ask how inflation protection is built into the plan. This feature alone can be a real advantage for those who plan when they are younger. Funerals, like most products and services, increase in cost over time. This makes planning sooner rather than later less expensive in many cases.

There is no need to worry about the “what ifs” just ask, “What if I move? What if I change my mind and want to be buried instead of cremated? What if I marry or divorce? What if funerals become virtual in the future? What if a meteor wipes out the planet earth?” Just ask. The advance planning expert at your local funeral home has answers.The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

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Three Reasons to Preplan Your Funeral When Your Family Doesn’t Live Close

Sat, 12 Mar 2022 07:58:03 GMT

Three Reasons to Preplan Your Funeral When Your Family Doesn’t Live Close

Reason Number One:

The need to make that first call, the one to the funeral home, nearly always catches people unaware and off guard.

Even when a death is clearly coming it is almost always unexpected. “Mom was 96 but we just talked to her on Sunday, and she was fine. Hospice told us it was just a matter of days, but we just stepped out to the store for a few minutes, and he was gone. She was doing so well, we were surprised.”

When a person dies the first order of business is calling a funeral home to come and take the body into their care. When family doesn’t live close, they may not be familiar with the funeral homes in the area. Which funeral home should be called?

Even with all of today’s wonderful ways to connect it can take hours to track down immediate family members. This one is in a meeting, that one is picking up kids at soccer practice, someone is at the gym and has their phone on silent. It can take a while to reach everyone and get them to weigh in on the decision about which funeral home to call. In the meantime, someone waits.

Reason Number Two:

The people who you love and who love you are going to be very busy just getting there. It’s not a good time to be making the big decisions. Burial or cremation, church or not, celebration of life, which minister, what restaurant, wood casket or metal, visitation the day of service or the night before?

Your far-flung family will be trying to book flights, pack suitcases, arrange for the dog to be taken care of, get someone to fill in for carpool, and get time off work. Their minds will be racing. It’s not a good time to make decisions that they will live with forever. Funeral decisions carry a lot of weight. Everyone wants to get it just right. No one wants to wish they had buried mom in her red dress instead of her blue dress for the rest of their life. Just think how much better it would be IF they just had to get there and meet with the funeral director you selected to review the plans you left for them.

Reason Number Three:

Your family needs time to be together. They need each other. They need to remember the stories, look at the pictures, cry together, and hug one another.

The plan you leave for your children, grandchildren, sisters and brothers, and friends is a gift. You give them the gift of time to lean in and realize that they have lost you. This is precious time they have together. There will still be much for them to do but when you have lifted the weight a little, you leave room for them to work together and be creative. They can pull their talents and put their own touches on the framework of the funeral plan you provided for them.

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Funerals are Changing … but Grief is Still the Same

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:05:39 GMT

Funerals are changing … but grief is still the same

Without a doubt, funerals are changing. Funeral services have become less formal and are noticeably more personal. They are sometimes religious and sometimes they are not. Funerals are often shorter and sometimes take place weeks after the death. There may be more songs, more pictures, and there is much more creativity at many funerals today.

But the feelings people have when someone they love dies are the same. Grief does not change. People feel detached, alone, numb, untethered. It is hard to believe the person is really gone. You feel their presence, and it hurts to feel it, but you are afraid not to feel it. Grief is hard. When someone important to us dies it is significant and there is a need to grieve and say good-bye.

Most of the changes in funeral services are no more than updated ways to do what funerals have always done. Funerals gather us together so we can cry, hug, laugh, and remember with our family and friends. Funerals let us know we are not alone and provide a way for our friends and family to feed us emotionally and physically.

Funerals provide an avenue toward acceptance of the reality of a death. While a funeral does not alleviate the pain, it is at least a little easier to begin to accept the loss in the embrace of family and friends.

Funerals help us acknowledge that life had value. This person was once a child. They were a mother, father, brother or sister. Whether they were famous or infamous, rich or poor, kind or mean, they lived.

Funerals can’t erase the pain of loss. When the funeral is over the grief is not over. However, skipping having a funeral won’t eliminate grief either. It won’t make death any easier. The ceremony of a funeral answers an instinctive need when going through the grieving process.

Watch the reaction of a child when death impacts their life. Little children seem to just instinctively know what needs to happen. When their goldfish dies, they know they need the help of their parents to deal with loss. They are drawn to ceremony of a funeral to complete their grief and understand the feelings that go with it.

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Scam Protection

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:05:38 GMT

Scam Protection

How do I protect myself from scams that have become all too common in society today? How do I prevent myself from becoming a victim of the scammers who are on the phone, on the computer and at the front door?

Stuff needs to get done around your house. Maybe you could use some help with yard work, painting, window cleaning, or a new roof. You answer the phone. Another group is asking for your monetary support. What do you do? How do you respond?

Take the time now to familiarize yourself with hard and fast rules designed to help you make good choices and avoid the masters of the scam.

Rule number 1: NEVER hire someone you don’t know to do a job who comes to your door and asks for the job. Here’s what they will tell you:

· They are doing work in the neighborhood and will give you a great deal.

· They’ll tell you how honest they are and may even have a child with them.

· They’ll scare you … “those bushes block the view of your door someone could break in” or “snakes hide in those weeds I wouldn’t want to see your little dog get hurt” … “That tree could fall on your house.”

· They’ll want a quick decision and payment up front.

Just say no nicely and shut the door. Better yet, don’t open the door to a stranger! Only hire someone you call and who provides references.

Rule number 2: When it comes to the phone and internet, NEVER give ANY personal information, make a financial contribution, or buy anything from anyone who calls, emails, or texts you and asks. Just say, “I do not ever do that.” Here’s what they will tell you:

· “It’s free.” Not on your life! You will pay. It’s never really free.

· “It’s for a good cause.” Fire, police, orphans, cancer. They may be good causes, but you can find them locally and donate locally. If you send money you will hear from these folks frequently and forever. They will be asking for additional dollars.

· They’ll scare you. Someone you care about needs help (translate that to money).

· They’ll tell you they are official US this or that. The real IRS and Social Security do not call people. Don’t believe it.

Just say no and hang up. Better yet, screen your calls.

Rule number 3: Give yourself a COOLING OFF PERIOD. NEVER be pressured into a quick decision, especially one that involves money. Designate someone you trust to be your decision buddy BEFORE you need them. Make a hard and fast rule for yourself that before you act, you’ll share what you are thinking about doing with this person.

Talk to your spouse, partner or parents about scams and scammers. Make a short list of rules for yourself. No exception rules, short and easy to remember. Sign up for AARP fraud alert network at AARP.org. Be prepared.

Finally, if you have been scammed don’t keep it a secret. Report it to your state’s Attorney General, the FBI, or Federal Trade Commission. Ask for help. It is embarrassing. Once you realize what happened, you feel foolish and that can be depressing. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Stuff happens. These people know exactly how to push the buttons of nice, kind folks. Prevention is the only real defense.

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Preparing The Eulogy

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:05:36 GMT

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Writing and delivering a eulogy can be a daunting task. How do you sum up a life in three to eight minutes? If you are not accustomed to public speaking, the idea of “being on stage” can add to the discomfort. Even now, when gatherings are small or take place virtually, it can be difficult to take the spotlight. But take heart: what you are going to do is important, but perfection is not required.

Here are a few tips to help you along the way.

Preparation is important and should not be skipped. A eulogy is not something one can just do “on the fly.” Even the most seasoned of writers and speakers perform better when they plan and organize.

Begin by briefly introducing yourself. Share how you are connected to the deceased. If you are representing the family, thank people for coming.

Do your homework. Start with a basic outline of the person’s life. Include where and when they were born. Mention parents and siblings. Include basic information about marriages, children born, education, and work.

The best eulogies capture the essence of the person who died. Include words like “kind,” “loyal,” “hardworking,” and “free spirited.” These are descriptive adjectives that everyone who knew them can relate to as soon as the word is spoken.

A good way to capture that essence is to interview a few people who knew the deceased well. You will find most friends and family will be more than willing to help you. These interviews are one of the most important parts of your preparation.

Plan to ask the same simple questions with each person you interview. Ask permission to record the interview. When a death has occurred, it is too much to expect that you’ll be operating at peak performance. Being able to go back and listen to your interviews will become important as you begin to put the information you receive from everyone in writing.

Ask open ended questions. How did you know _______? How would you describe ________? What will you remember about ________? Do you have a story to share? What should I not forget to say about ______? Don’t forget to answer the questions you asked others yourself.

After you talk to a few friends and family you will probably begin to see the essence of the person you are going to talk about begin to emerge. Include a story that illustrates this essence. Be descriptive. Include humor if it feels natural and comes easily. Don’t try to force humor if it doesn’t feel comfortable to you or because you think there should be something funny included.

Finally, you must say farewell. There needs to be a conclusion. If words do not come to you, borrow words from a poet, a song writer, or scripture. Perhaps the person who died had a favorite such person that you can quote.

Don’t forget to practice. Read the eulogy you have written out loud. Make corrections and read it out loud again. Time yourself and edit if you are going over 10 minutes. Finally, check with others involved in the service regarding the order of the service. If there is more than one eulogist be sure you are not sharing the same story or information.

When the time comes, speak slowly and distinctly. Most people tend to speed up when they are nervous. If emotion surfaces, stop, take a minute and a deep breath before continuing. You’ll be glad you practiced.

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How did St. Valentine’s Day get started?

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:05:34 GMT

How did St. Valentine’s Day get started?

Hearts, flowers, chocolate, the feast day of a Saint, just what is Valentine’s Day? Some tell us it is a holiday created to brighten the cold dark winter month of February. The holiday goes all the way back to the Romans.

The Roman Festival of Lupercalia held in mid-February to celebrate the coming of Spring culminated in a lottery that matched up men and women. It was all about love from the beginning. In the 5th century Pope Gelasius I changed the festival to Saint Valentine’s Day, but the love stuck. Saint Valentine’s Feast Day was associated with courtly love. By the 14th century Valentine’s Day was a day to celebrate romance. Flowers, cards, and chocolate were soon to follow.

Today, on Valentine’s Day we still celebrate love. What could be better? What is more important than those we love? On February 14th we push the pause button on the demands of life and make telling our husbands, wives, children, parents, brothers, sisters, and friends they are important to us and we love them.

It is a little holiday. It does not take a lot to let someone know they are loved. Remember you will not have these people forever. Take a minute or two to share the love!

www.smithfamilycares.com

Age-Associated Financial Vulnerability

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:05:33 GMT

Age-Associated Financial Vulnerability

Read this blog even though you don’t want to. Especially if you or your parent is over 65 or living alone. Age Associated Financial Vulnerability is a real thing and it affects intelligent, independent people. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau puts the cost of elder financial exploitation as high as $36 billion a year.

If you are or you know anyone over 65 you know about the exploitation part. Those calls that come many, many times a day and at increasingly unorthodox hours of the day. Why are older Americans targeted? Because they hold a large percentage of the wealth. Some estimates have the over age 50 population holding as high as 83% of America’s wealth. And as we age, we become more vulnerable. It’s as simple as that.

If you think you are not a likely candidate for fraud, think again. Victims are not who you think they are. They are high functioning seniors and often test as “normal “on cognitive function assessments. It’s complicated. You can check out the report Brains and Losses at marketplace.org. It has to do with changes in our brains as we age. How we process information when we are in emotional states. That includes being angry (at the caller), being scared or just being a nice person. Scammers know how to exploit our emotions.

Bottom line, living alone increases susceptibility because, when you are alone you don’t have that close contact to hash over a call or contact you receive. Prevention is the key. If you are living alone, open up to someone you trust. If you have a parent or relative living alone check in on them regularly. Don’t judge. Make yourself available. Ask your parent what they know about scams. Teach your parent how to screen calls.

Being susceptible does not mean an older person needs to go to a nursing home or lose independence. It does mean both the aging and those who love an older person need to be on their toes, maintain close contact, and have open conversations.

Some ideas about setting hard and fast lines of defense will follow in a later blog at this site.

www.smithfamilycares.com

What is a Green Funeral?

Fri, 04 Mar 2022 16:03:19 GMT

What is a Green Funeral?

The term “green funeral” refers to ceremony, service, and body disposition that focuses on preservation of the earth. Many of those who live “green” also wish to end “green”. Just as living green is carried out in different ways and with many choices, there are also many different methods of having a green funeral. Your funeral director is your best guide to the green funeral options available in your geographic area.

For one person living green may mean passing on the offer of a plastic straw. For others, green may mean living off the grid and bicycling to work. One can be all in, or just a little green. Funerals can also be greenish or very green.

Sometimes a green living choice comes with a cost savings and sometimes going green costs more. For example, you’ll use less fuel with a hybrid automobile. Using less gas will generate a cost savings. However, you will usually pay more for a hybrid car than for the same make and model that is not hybrid. Green is not about saving dollars—it is a lifestyle. A belief system motivated by a sense of responsibility for our home, the planet earth. It is a choice.

If you are motivated to pursue a green goodbye, you will be pleased to know that your choice will not require that you give up any of the healing aspects of a funeral service. Service, gathering, and viewing the body can all be included in a green funeral.

Funeral directors have access to environmentally friendly embalming chemicals. If your family prefers to have the body present for the funeral service that can be accomplished. Should a private family viewing be more in line with your green funeral plans, the body can be simply prepared without embalming to make that experience possible for family members.

Green cemeteries or green areas in traditional cemeteries usually do not require a burial vault or grave liner. The body is shrouded and placed directly in the earth or placed in a biodegradable container which is buried. Those who opt for a green burial do so because disruption to the earth is minimized. No harsh chemicals from embalming, no treated wood or metal casket and no metals or concreate from a grave liner are introduced in the grave space. If you remember our hybrid car example something similar occurs with green burials. In most cemeteries a green burial space will cost more than a traditional burial space, but you will not incur the cost of the vault.

For those who prefer cremation you will need to know that all cremators (the device where cremation takes place) are not created equal. Newer models tend to have a smaller carbon footprint. Ask your funeral director which providers in your area are the most environmentally friendly.

There are also many different green options when it comes to the final resting place for cremated remains. Cremated remains can be incorporated into objects that become family heirlooms, or, they can become part of an underwater reef. There is a nearly unlimited number of earth-friendly alternatives of what to do with cremated remains. When making funeral arrangements tell your funeral director that green is important to you and ask for help in finding service providers that support your values.